This week I actually had to touch jam on a table top. It was terrifying. In fact, on my Monday appointment I said I couldn't face doing it. I did it today even though I still felt awful about it.
My fiance told me to tell her if I wasn't ready but I'm also really hard on myself if I can't do something. So when I said I couldn't do it on Monday we talked through my thought diary and she gave me a load of support sheets instead. But I sort of felt like I let myself down a bit but I'm still kinda stressed about it now. Like I never want to do it again. Like I'd quite like to tackle a different obsession and go back to my contamination stuff later.
However, my homework this week is to try and do it every day and track how long it takes for the anxiety to peak and then start to fall. I'm supposed to do it with either my Mum of my Fiance though. Apparently these kind of experiments are only advised at home if u have someone with u to support you through it the whole way. I suppose to make sure you don't totally flip out on your own and end up rocking back and forward in a corner.
I know I'm making slow progress with my CBT but I still don't really feel any better. I'm still unbelievably depressed and anxious. In some ways more anxious than before but CBT is noted for making people feel worse before they feel better.
And my psychologist gave me a sheet of "helpful reassurance" so that helped. It's basically a sheet of little paragraphs of things I've to read when I panic instead of googling or checking things. The idea being that I'll replace the unhelpful things with helpful statements.
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