NHS - Nationwide Horrific Service

I've not been posting on here lately. Not because I don't want to; but because my OCD has been getting worse and consuming more of my time.

Now, I am not blaming the NHS for my OCD getting worse. I am blaming them for it not getting better. The service I've recieved from them has been abysmal.

My last appointment was in June. It took them till mid September to remember I had missed my last scheduled appointment. How can it take 3 months for a Psychologist to realise she hasn't seen her patient? for all the attention they have paid I could have committed suicide or anything in that time. They were just happy I wasn't cluttering up their books by taking up 1 hour a week.

Not only did they take 3 months to get in touch with me, when they got in touch it was to tell me that if I didn't phone them within 2 weeks they would consider my case closed and if I then needed any more psychiatric help I would need to be referred again and sent back to the bottom of the waiting list. I phoned later that week and after phoning 3 times only to get an answering machine saying that due to understaffing they couldn't take my call; I finally got through. The woman I finally managed to speak to told me that my Psychologist was off until next Monday on holiday but that she would leave her a note.

By next Wednesday I still hadn't heard from her. I phoned back the hospital and was told that now my Psychologist was off sick and she wouldn't be back till next Monday. But the receptionist remembered my name so she would put the note in bold this time.

Now that was last week. She was supposed to phone on Monday. It is now Thursday night and I still haven't heard from her. I am entitled to treatment. Their manifesto says so. It also says that as an OCD patient I should be entitled to be seen whenever my condition flares up without being sent back to the bottom of a 6 month waiting list after my treatment. I am not going to stop phoning them till I hear back from them. No matter how much it sounds like they are just avoiding my calls in the hope I'll stop phoning.

My OCD is only getting more serious and they are supposed to be helping me. I wish I could afford private healthcare but I can't. I need to be mistreated by the National HEALTH Service in the hopes that one day they might actually try and help me.

What is the NHS coming to when they take massive cuts in their already abysmal Mental Health sector to pay for better care for physical illness? Why is it less important to treat people's mental health? Why is right for Mental Illness to just be swept under the carpet and the sufferers to just be pushed aside when the people who are meant to help them just get bored? Mental illness is just as disabling for some people as physical illness's. So why is it less important?

Too much contamination

Well it's not getting any better. If anything worse really.

I've gone through a bottle of hand gel in the space of a week and a half... my last bottle lasted nearly three weeks. So I appear to be twice as bad as before.

It's not really helping that the toilet flush is broken and that's setting off all sorts of contamination and germ problems for me till our landlord grace's us with a plumber to fix it...

But today, I was taking the memory card out of my camera and it's battery popped out of it's fixing. It's the little rechargeable thing that came with it and when I pushed it back under the plastic holder I had a panic in case the chemicals inside it where leaking and it had got on my thumb and I was going to go blind. I put three lots of my hand gel on and then washed my hands in the kitchen as well and I still feel like I've got chemicals all over my hands. The battery didn't even feel wet or anything and the only thing that was wrong with it was that it had slipped out of it's plastic holder. But now my thumb feels all hot and I keep thinking that the battery acid is burning through my skin and it's getting everywhere and it's going to damage my skin and my eyes. I'm scared to let my thumb touch anything but it feels weird and warm and I can't stop my brain churning over the thoughts

Contamination OCD is getting ridiculous

It's getting maddening now.

Before I could at least feel safe in my little routines and that I was always clean and I had hand gel and hand cream to keep me that way. Of course, now I managed to find a way to cope with my OCD it ramped it up a knotch.

This is a little bit odd and personal. Whenever I'm in the bathroom I have to check it constantly for spiders. I've been surprised at vulnerable moments in there a few times over the years so I'm totally paranoid about it. I've been doing this for years. I have to check over my shoulders and stuff whilst on the toilet and stuff. Now I've learned to cope with this really but the other day my brain decided that by doing this my hair would fan out and swish against the lid of the toilet seat. I haven't changed anything or the way I do things, my brain just decided that now that was happening and I have to fear all the toilet germs on my hair.

The first time I totally panicked and I washed the ends of my hair with soap and my hand gel and then after a while it still bothered me so I put all my clothes in the wash, cleaned the sofa where my hair had touched it and had a long, hot shower. But I had lasted a few hours before showering and washing myself and my sofa.

Then it happened again yesterday. I refused to give in to it. I told myself it was ridiculous and silly. I went to bed without washing my hair of the germs. I showered today and washed my hair because I needed to anyway. I did however, give in and put all the clothes and hoodies and stuff I'd been wearing straight into the washing machine. But now it's bothering me still. I feel like my sofa has recontaminated my hair and my fresh clothes because I didn't wipe it down. And I'm scared to get into bed because my hair touched all the sheets and covers. I want to change them because of all the germs.

My OCD used to calm down after a couple of hours when I did CBT and exposure therapies. This has been about 36 hours now and I'm still panicky and terrified of my sofa and my bed. And because I've been sitting on the sofa all day after showering I'm scared to touch my hair as well.

THE GERMS!

Nothing is sacred anymore. Everything everywhere feels dirty and germy. I have this little bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel and I use it loads and loads now. I take it everywhere and blob it on whenever I touch something I think might be dirty, which is a lot. Mum bought me it because I stopped being able to touch the dog and play with her but I now use it for everything.

Even as I type I'm thinking about putting more on. I only just used it as well. I used it when I saw a mark on my laptop's power supply and I used it again a couple of minutes later because I picked up an old bottle in the cupboard (like some how age makes it dirtier when it's just been in a cupboard).

But even with this gel that says it kills 99.99% of germs fast, I feel like my hands aren't properly washed. Like I should go wash them in the bathroom with soap and water as well or they aren't clean. The gel probably makes them cleaner than soap and water would but I can't shake feeling like I need to actually go and wash them.

I wash my hands so much now that my fiance says he can smell my hands from across the room. But I don't feel like they are ever clean enough.

Contamination Over-reactions

I'm getting myself in a right state just now. It's like my brain is in overdrive and nothing can stop it.

We ran out of washing up liquid and borrowed some off my grandparents yesterday, which they stuck in a jar. Now, that's been fine with me all day. Mum's washed dishes and stuff in it and I've not thought about it once.

Except, I went to the kitchen and washed my hands in a bit of it. I wash my hands in washing up liquid all the time in the kitchen because if it makes my dishes clean enough to eat of it must make my hands clean too. This is not where my issue lies. Just as I was drying my hands my brain went "What if that isn't washing up liquid? I mean the jar isn't marked. It's just green goop in a glass jar". I had to go up to the bathroom and wash my hands three times with anti-bac liquid soap. That still wasn't enough though. I got it fixed in my head it was bleach in the jar and I was going to rub my eyes and go blind. I had to go wake up my mum and check with her and she told me it was washing up liquid too.

Normally, when I ask mum that reassures me. Even over asking my fiance. There's something about asking mum that just settles me more than anything. But not this time. I asked her several times (which I know is bad for my OCD) but it didn't really help much. I went back downstairs and went on Amazon to spend my birthday money. Shopping always makes me feel better. But then my eye was itchy. I rubbed it then imediately panicked all over again. My eye started to feel slightly stingy after I did it (which is either just my getting stuff from my oily skin in it, imagining it or whatever). So I sat for a few minutes testing that the vision in it was fine but then I had to go rinse it out with water. Then I sat back down and then the other eye started getting this dull ache even though I hadn't even touched it. I still had to go rinse it out too.

Now, if all that wasn't bad enough. I've just sat back down after all that and started panicking because I didn't re-wash my hands before rinsing out my eyes. Even though I'd really only just washed them 3 times in the bathroom. But I didn't because I was rinsing them in the kitchen and the kitchen only has the washing up liquid that set me off in the first place.

So now I'm sitting here panicking I'm going blind because I'm covered in bleach and nothing I do can make me clean enough even though I've been told it wasn't bleach anyway and I've washed my hands loads after using it.

New week, New stress

Well I know I haven't posted in a few days but I was away in London for the the weekend. Had a few germ panics and stuff but mostly managed to cope ok. I bought some rub on hand gel so that helped a little bit when I was out on tube's and stuff. It was fun anyway. Went to the theatre, saw the sights, got some great pictures. It all went too quickly really.

Now I'm back home I've had nothing but trouble. I got home yesterday and I find out the while I may have managed to come to terms with stuff, I'm still being talked about behind my back and causing arguments when I haven't done anything. Although I'm not allowed to talk about it in any more detail because my blog is being monitored by her (which is making me super paranoid by the way but anyway).

Today though, I woke up with a migraine, thought it had gone away and had to go to the benefits office, got home and was sick and half blind for about 4 hours. It took me about 8 hours to feel able to eat. Of course I felt immediately better afterwards. I can barely feel it really now, except that I'm really sorta dizzy and tired. The Benefits Office was relatively painless though. I thought it would be some bitch telling me I had to get a job no matter what. She was a little patronising but she basically said they like to know I have an end goal and a treatment plan and apart from that she'll see me in 6 months. She was quite pleasant really. And apparently because I do some volunteering with my mum when I feel up to it then that fulfills me "work-related activity" component. So that's me getting paid £100 a week now instead of £56. So now I can pay mum some extra to help pay for the bills and still have some more for me. It makes me feel a little more secure at least. For now anyway.

Now I just need to figure out how to tell the hospital that how they're treating me isn't working. I haven't heard from them at all since I missed an appointment. They seem more than happy to let me just disappear. I could be dead in a ditch for all they've bothered. But unless I tell them directly somehow I go back down to the bottom of the waiting list apparently. But I don't really know how to do it without being rude. She just hasn't helped me at all. If anything I'm worse not better and my family agree. She says I'm getting better though because it suits her plan. I feel like she doesn't have a clue about my condition or how to treat it.

And so on all this drama goes. I turn 20 in 3 days and it looks like I'll end my teenage years in a battle on one front and losing my marbles on the other. When I turned 10 my OCD was manageable and my friends parents kept it to themselves if they hated me. A decade later and I'm struggling with offices and other people's family's and keeping my own family happy and trying to make myself as happy as I can around it all. All with the added bonus that I can't do anything around various anxiety disorders.

Oh well, I hope it's at least sunny for my birthday. It's the least life can do for me just now.

Panicking over mistakes

I've always been a perfectionist but I never thought it was quite OCD worthy when I was younger. Recently I've realised it really is.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks and every  year I get asked to write a list of things I want. Not that I'll get all of it obviously, so that people can choose something I want without me knowing exactly what I'm going to get. And because I like planning and writing lists I always lay them out in sections and stuff.

But this year I've made a mistake. I wrote two blu-rays on to the list that have multiple versions and I'm scared that people will buy the wrong thing because of my mistake. My Mum told me today she's ordered stuff off my list and that if she didn't order the right thing I've just to send it back to Amazon and get credit for it and get the version I want. But it keeps playing on my OCD now that I've done something wrong and that me getting it wrong will end up upsetting others.

Mum told me not to worry about it but I can't help it. I feel like I'll upset her. I feel like I've made a terrible mistake that will make her feel shitty for getting the wrong thing but it was my fault in the first place. I can't stop obsessing and panicking about it.

It's been a long week

Well, after washing my hands four times merely for going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I am going to go to bed and hope for a better weekend.

Granted all the comedy shows this week have been a massive plus for it but this week seems to have just been shitty for me overall.

I got sent my ESA benefit interview letter. I've got an appointment for the 20th that, by the sounds of the letter, is going to consist of them asking me what I can handle in my condition and then totally ignoring it and telling me to get a job anyway. That's been stressing me out and will continue to do so till it's over.

I have, and am continuing to have, my worst contamination OCD since I was 9 (10 years ago). I can't stop washing my hands or wanting to wash them. I feel sick if I've like used my hands to rub my eyes or rinse my mouth after brushing my teeth becauseI suddenly think my hands are really dirty. I have that at this very moment in fact. I feel like I'm dirty, contaminated and that by using my filthy hands to put water in my mouth I've given myself some sort of hideous illness and I'll die. My skin is really dry and papery feeling and I can't stop scratching even with putting dead sea mineral hand cream on it all the time. Even sitting here in bed I feel like the laptop is dirty, the bed is dirty, my pj's are dirty, I'm dirty, my skin is dirty, my hair is dirty.... it's all too much.

I am also going through a heavily paranoid state. I get these periodically in times of stress and stuff. Everything makes me think people hate me. Everything I do will make people hate me. I get really sensitive to things as well. My family quite commonly take the piss out of each other. But suddenly I will feel targeted and like they hate me and they're making fun of me. It can tap into my BDD as well. I'll start to feel like people are pointing and laughing at me because of how I look or that people who I know don't like me don't because of how I look.

I never could stand people talking about me or hating me. I start getting paranoid that everyone is doing it so they can laugh at me behind my back. I'll badger people to tell me things others might have said and I can't believe them if they say nothing has been said at all.  It's a hatred of conflict I think. Even as a child I would refuse to go to bed if someone was angry at me. If I fell out with friends at school I would stay up all night panicking till I could see them the next day and find out they'd forgotten we had even argued. I can't stand anything that lasts longer than a few hours. I start to stress myself out so much that all sorts of terrible things run through my head. Like if I fell out with my mum as a child I would worry that she would leave in the middle of the night. So I would stay awake all night listening to make sure she didn't. My Mum's no good at arguing either. She will let me scream and shout then leave me half an hour and come offer me cake or something usually. So her holding sustained anger with me used to terrify me.

That seemed to take me off on a tangent. Back to this week's rubbishness. It has been rubbish and I hope the weekend will improve. It would be nice to have a break before I go to the doctor's about my useless psych treatment on Monday.

OCD - A Fickle Friend

Well, maybe more enemy than friend but fickle none the less.

I have spent days, paranoid, obsessive and depressed about the same thing. Today, also my teeth. Really edging more towards my teeth than the other stuff. I mean I'm still bothered by it but seriously, my teeth are driving me nuts.

I have a lot of OCD issues with my teeth. I feel odd aches and pains in them all the time and I worry whenever I take a bite into something crunchy, they click or they move slightly when I eat.

Now, this is not helped by a fear of the dentist so strong I haven't gone for about 5 years. They scare me in a similar way to Doctors. I lie in that chair at the mercy of the very attractive man I have as a dentist (when I go) and await him telling me everythign that is wrong with my teeth. I'm not bothered about the fact that my front two are squint. I barely notice it unless I tilt my head back and look in a mirror. The fact that he constantly tries to get me to take braces is not the problem. The problem is that I don't want to be told that I have gum disease, rotting teeth, need fillings, damaged them in any way, that I'm going to lose them... all sorts. But even without the Dentist I still fear it regularly. Today, it started when I was eating lunch. Weird ache in my tooth and bits stuck in between them because I'm rubbish at eating gammon steaks. It's been bothering me all day. Every time I eat I notice this sort of dull ache. Now I would worry about tooth ache if the dull ache didn't spread across about four teeth at various points through the day. I lick and push and tap them to see if they're loose and how sore they are and obviously, the more I do it the worse the pain is. Like I'm worrying my teeth into pain as well. But no matter how much I know that, I can't stop. I've also been staring at them in every mirror I can find. They look fine. Except, for a small ridge along the top of one of them. Now, I have slightly odd teeth. That little ridge has probably been there since that tooth grew in. But I can't stop licking across it and thinking it feels hugely different. I keep thinking I've chipped my tooth. It's driving me totally insane. I'm trying my best not to go wake up my mum and make her check it for me.

In other news, my hand washing and contamination has gotten so bad my skin is dry, rashy and sore. My hands throb every time I wash my hands and I still can't stop washing at under three or four times a go. Even once I go sit down after that my brain will say I didn't put soap on them and I'll get straight back up and do it again. I've also stopped being able to touch certain things in my house. I can't touch the bathroom door handle without going back and washing my hands, or touch my dogs toys (I can about cope with the dog herself for some reason), any food packets or uncooked food (even dry pasta and stuff), the back door handle, keys, cushions, blankets, dirty dishes... I can't handle any smells on my skin other than soap either. Anything at all. Even like chocolate or foods. I'm not even totally convinced by my flowery hand cream. They all make me want to wash them again. Right now in fact. I've just washed them four times in a row and they don't smell soapy enough. I want to go wash them another time. I'm trying not to because even typing is hurting the skin on my hands.

I have had to retreat to my safe space. Typing on here and listening to loud music that's cheery and got a good beat. Disney songs are good for it I've found. Often I'll watch cheery films as well but there's no really good upbeat song in my favourite Disney movie, Pocahontas. I have to settle for Aladdin for best music. It at least makes me feel a bit better for a couple of minutes till I remember I want to wash my hands and check my teeth.

Today's Another Day

Well, I still feel utterly rubbish but I dragged myself out of bed at least.

I have comedy shows to see every day this week now so I couldn't exactly sit inside (the wonders of Edinburgh in festival season). So I pulled myself together as best I could; got showered, did my nails, went into town and had a good night watching Phill Jupitus.

I wish I could really feel better for this week but I had fun and it distracted me for a bit. Going out and having a laugh and a drink and I at least managed to cheer myself up for a few hours. Tomorrow is Sandi Toksvig so hopefully that will distract me for another few hours. Maybe if I can keep distracting myself then one day feeling better for a few hours will turn into a few days or whatever.

I'm used to dealing with my depression, anxiety and OCD with distractions. It's my main coping mechanism. But after major shake ups like the last few days have been it can be hard to get any motivation for my normal paths. I find it difficult to play any pc games or watch any TV or even sit still for very long. But I persevered and succeeded.

My OCD and stuff is still off the charts over this though. My skin is flaring up in dry patches and big itchy rashes, I can barely sleep and I keep having panicked nightmares about it all when I do get to sleep, I've had a splitting headache all day and I can't stop my brain running over and over.

No matter how bad I feel just now though, I won't stop posting on here. It's my place to say what I feel and I won't give that up. If it makes my anxiety lower to write on here I don't see why I should. I'll get through all this s**t one way or another and so will this blog.

It's just going from bad to worse

I can't even get out of bed. I can't do anything or think about anything or cocentrate on anything.

Apparently, me having a blog is the problem, not anything I may have said about peopoe. How do I even go forward from that? My blog feels tainted now. Like I'm being watched by her and judged and dictated to.

Am I not supposed to have a place to talk freely? Can I not have somewhere to just talk? Because I'm certainly not getting it from my psych and it can be hard only having my fiance understand properly. Talking with my family can only go so far and I made this blog because I needed somewhere that was mine to fill with my feelings. I could use forums but they just aren't the same. Forums make you keep looking to see if you have had any responses and can, I've noticed, become addictive. Here I can vent and then leave for a bit and come back and  post again. Is that so wrong of me really?

I just feel awful. Nothing is ever going to get better now because I still can't get her to talk to me about her issues with me and she'll probably read this and go off again but I can't not post at alo because it vents my feelings.

A the end of my tether

I have , yet again, apparently crossed the line by using my blog to vent.
Apparently my fiance's mother read through my whole blog and picked out everything she doesn't like and banned me from her house.

I would point out I deliberately do not mention the names of others and nobody I know personally reads my blog. I also don't know anybody she does apart from her own family.

I'm not sorry about whatever I have said that she isn't keen on. What I am is hurt and upset that she thinks I do not deserve a place to talk about my feelings and that she won't even discuss the problems she has with me.She just told my fiance I am not allowed in and that they would discuss it with HIM when he got home. If the problem is with me why am I not talked to about it like a human being. I feel like a scolded puppy.

I don't really know where I can go from here with her. I have tried to get on with her but she always finds some reason that I'm a terrible person and that she doesn't want me near her or her family. But then the next minute she's telling me that she'll love me and welcome me into her family. But clearly only if I live my life the way she wants from now on. Then she's straight back to hating me again.

After so much back and forth I actually don't think I can ever have a real relationship with her. I'm so stressed out and panicky over the whole ordeal and I just don't know what to do. On the one hand I want to never have anything to do with her. But I want this discussed WITH me rather than behind my back.

I also know this isn't really OCD related but I'm really upset.

Mind in a Muddle

I don't know what to do. I've been waiting a month and a half to hear from my psychologist for another appointment. To the point I thought I'd been forgotten by them. In fact, I was planning on calling them tomorrow to find out what was going on. But today, they phoned and told me I had an appointment on Wednesday.

I'm no good with plan changes. It's Monday now and I like at least a week's notice so I can plan my week around it. It really sets off my OCD when my plans are changed. I can't deal with it. I totally panic. I'm supposed to be at my fiance's Tuesday to Thursday but the appointment is in the middle of that. So I'll have to go home on Wednesday and he is upset as well even though he's spent all week at my house.

They said I could phone the hospital to rearrange but I find it difficult to phone as well with my anxiety and OCD. Also, I've been waiting so long I don't know if I want to put it off again. I feel like I need to go because last time I heard from them they were talking about stopping my CBT and I'd rather get that discussion out the way because now the appointment is iminent I'm starting to stress out about it.

Also, my fiance complaining about how I'll be spending less time with him has set off my ROCD. Filling my head with all this stuff saying I don't want to spend more time with him or that I don't care or don't love him enough. I'm getting all these thoughts about how I hate plan changes and how I'm clearly not devoted enough to my relationship if I'll change plans to go to this appointment. And, originally I was supposed ot go to my fiance's today and go home on Wednesday then our plans were changed so now I have an appointment on Wednesday my OCD is telling me that I want this because it keeps my plans almost like they were.

I just don't know what to do or how I feel.... What's real and what's OCD...

Mother issues

I wish I was feeling better now that I got my tribunal letter. It really hasn't helped at all. I'm still waiting to hear from the benefits office and from my psychologist (it's now been a month since I was last given an appointment). I'm going to have to phone after the weekend and I hate phones, they make me really anxious and OCD.

I'm getting worse though. My Mum wanted me to help her at an event I'd been helping her plan for work experience type stuff. I just couldn't make it. I stressed out about it all last week and then last night I just went mental. I couldn't calm my brain. I got stress IBS. I panicked. I cried. I felt sick. I couldn't sleep. Then in the morning I couldn't make myself go. I told my mum I was sick then worried all day that everyone was talking about me because I couldn't make it. Everyone will think I'm an unreliable flake and that I can't keep to any deadlines. Deadlines stress me out no end and I just freaked. I feel like a let down and a disappointment. Even now I still have stomach cramps with the stress and I got a migraine even after Mum came home and was nothing but nice to me.

I'm also having trouble with my fiance's mother and that's stressing me out. She has refused to talk to me really for the year and a half I've been with him but last week she decided to talk to me. Basically all we talked about was him and his bad ocd and how she wants to deal with it and stuff. She kept going on in strangely put monologues, ignored everything I said back to her unless she could use it to argue with him and tried to integrate herself int othe third person in our relationship. I don't mind talking to her but she shouldn't try to pass it off as getting to know me if she just wants to keep tabs on him. He's getting all angry with her and fighting with her and  stuff. And she's fighting with him and they're both claiming different things about me in their argument. He knows me better obviously but still I feel caught. And I'm starting to feel used by her and her strange behaviour and attitude are starting to get to me. I know that she has bi-polar disorder but at what point is it just her? I don't know where to go with her at all.

Benefits Tribunal Results

Well I got the response from my Benefits Tribunal. Good and bad news really. I got allowed my benefit but with a "work related activity" thing.

I don't really know what that all means. When I read about it online it sounds like sending me to jobseekers but with more money. They want me to go to regular interviews with an advisor who will help me with setting job goals, discuss my issues with working and send me to classes to help me learn skills.

I don't know how I feel about it at all. It means my money is secure and I'll get a little more than I was before. But I'm worried about what it all means for me. Are they going to be pressuring me all the time to go back to work? Are they going to be pushing me to go to classes just so they can keep a close watch on me?

I'm just scared of the unknown of it all. I don't know what's happening to me and I don't know what it all means. Being on jobseekers turned me into a nervous wreck just last year because of all the pressure and I don't know if I can cope with it again. And they aren't exactly the most understanding bunch of people to try and explain that too. Even my psychologist won't listen to me so why would some penny-pinching government officials who are paid to get rid of me?

I'm scared and confused and feeling a little helpless and lost in a system designed to make me as disheartened and worse off as possible

Lost and Confused

I'm not really sure what to do these days. Since my psychologist cancelled her last appointment I haven't heard anythign from anyone. So now I haven't had a session for nearly a month and I don't know whether I'm being forgotten about or she's ill or on holiday or something. I haven't heard back about my benefits either so I'm sort of in this limbo where I can't settle down or focus in on anything and my OCD is all over the place.

I still can't stop washing my hands. Everything makes me feel dirty. Everytime I go to the bathroom I wash my hands three times and wash my arms as well just to be safe. I have to flush the toilet with the seat lid down in case the water splashes and I have to roll up trouser legs so they don't touch the batroom floor in case there is dirty water and germs on the floor. Sometimes I have to wear slippers in to the bathroom so the soles of my feet don't touch it. I worry about how germy the towels are or that the toilet roll holder is too close to the toilet. I can't touch the side of the sink without washing my hands again or touch the wrong side of the tap.

So I've been washing my hands at least 30 times a day and comfort baking and all sorts. I've come up with some wonderful concoctions and delightfully decorated cakes but aside from that eating so much sets off my BDD and it's not the best coping strategy. I can't really sit down to do much else though. I can watch TV but I run out of things to watch after a while. I can't settle down to play games or anything long term.

It's not really helped by my mum who is trying to get me to take part time volunteering at her work as a serious job and go in at specific times every week. I can't do that and I agreed to help out a little with events at her work on the basis that if I was stressed I could go away and leave it to other people but they keep piling things to do on me and putting pressure on me. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. But I just get guilted into keeping doing it because her boss is doing it as a favour but none of them understand how stressful it is for me to have to turn up regularly when I spend so much time stressed out at home and stuff. If I could do things like that I wouldn't need incapacity benefits. I'd be going to work or college. I try my best but they expect a lot of me and then mum pretends to understand completely. I mean she has ocd so she understands but it's not as bad as mine and she's on pills and she finds work distracts from her ocd. I can't do anything that has pressure or time constraints or people relying on me without my OCD going mental. I keep putting things off and getting distracted with obsessions and compulsions and little tiny things that annoy me and niggle me and stop me doing what I'm meant to be doing. I don't really know what to do.

The Aftermath

If you've read my previous couple of posts you'll know that I was fighting for my right to benefits since I can't work and that I was being told by my psychologist that I couldn't keep getting treatment even though I'm not any better yet.

Ever since I recieved their letters I have been impossible. My OCD never has much focus but it's everywhere and there's nothing that stops me thinking about how epically ****** I am. I got the letter from my psychologist on Wednesday (two days ago) and that sorta tipped me over the edge.

I can't stop washing my hands for a start. Even as I said that I thought I should wash them again. I go to the bathroom and end up washing my hands twice, my arms, my hands twice again, my legs, my hands twice again. I basically have a shower every time. Then I'll get back downstairs and wash my hands again in the kitchen sink. My skin is a mess. Yesterday I even ended up totally showering twice because my mum had been putting bleach in the bath the day before and I panicked it would burn me. I get back home from going somewhere and I need to wash them. I touch clothes, surfaces, the dog, food... I need to wash them again. You wouldn't think that my psychologist had even started treatment with me. I mean my handwashing is the ONLY thing she's tried to sort and as soon as I'm stressed I do this. Yeah.... am I really as fixed as she's trying to tell me I am?

It's not even just my contamination OCD that's sparked either. Every ache, pain or slightly off feeling is apparently killing me. I have a sore shoulder and apparently that means I have a blot clot that is going to move to my heart and kill me. I have a spot coming up on my back but apparently it's cancer. I have an itchy nose... I don't even know what that is but it's gna kill me. Sore eyes are me going blind.

And to top it off my BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) is off the charts. I feel ugly and fat and like there is nothing good or attractive about me. Every time I look at myself I feel ill and dizzy. Also, every time I look at or touch my hair I think I'm going bald. I'm getting stress spots on my face so that makes me feel ugly and even my freckles, moles and scars are setting me off. The scar through my eyebrow suddenly feels like I look like Scar in The Lion King. I keep trying to cover up my freckles and the weird tanline I got on holiday cos that makes me ugly too. I can't wear my leggings or whatever now to goout cos I think I look massive in them and that everyone stares at me and laughs at me as I go by. so I'm stuck in trackies and t-shirts and trying to hide away. But I find it difficult to be indoors when I'm stressed so I can't win.

And nothing I do helps anything. I can't stop or shut off. I mean I'm typing this at 3am because I'm too wound up to feel tired. I almost posted on OCD forums and everything to get some kind of support and I hate forums normally. I even started an online argument with a person on a forum in the vain hope it would be distracting. And whit the petty isults she threw at me were funny for a while it didn't make me feel any better about my OCD. And my BDD isn't too happy she called me ugly but then she also called me a "massive c***" (she actually typed it obviously I'm just trying to keep it kinda clean) and that didn't bother me at all.

I just don't really know what to do anymore. It wasn't helped yesterday when my grandparents nagged and nagged me to clean, tidy and hoover my bedroom because they wanted to put up new curtains. I can tidy stuff fine but I can't hoover or CLEAN as such. It sets me off and I tried to tell them that and they just told me I wasn't really ill I was just lazy and they wouldn't stop. Over and over again I was told to stop being so lazy and lying to everyone that I had some kind of non-existent illness. I was even told off for not being able to help mum repaint the bathroom and I have an actual allergy to paint. But somehow everything was just me lying about being ill. But I still couldn't do more than tidy things up so I just had to put up with it till they went home and my mum hoovered and stuff instead. Mum understands my illness but she can't stand up to people so I just had to sit through it. The rest of my family are constantly at me to do things I can't do yet like work and clean and wash dishes and cook and stuff.

Trying to Deal with the Attitudes of Others

This last while has not been easy. Everyone seems to be out to make my life miserable and difficult. I thought that at least my psychologist would be on my side.

But no, apparently not. My fiance had to phone and cancel my appointment last week because my stress IBS was flared up by the benefits office nagging at me about tribunals. Now this week she has written to me and used it as an excuse to get me off her books. Apparently I should view my being let down by a benefits system that's supposed to help me till I get better by just going out and getting a job I'm not ready for and fighting through all my pain and suffering. Just like I failed to do just a few months ago.

Basically, I'm taking up too much time and she wants me to leave and pretend I'm any better. She has barely touched on any of my OCD at all. I've been seeing her for three months and basically all she has done is let me talk and ask me to keep track of when I wash my hands. She hasn't improved my anxiety, nor provided any way for me to try and do so at home. She hasn't dealt with any of my other obsessions at all; basically ignoring everything I say about them when she asks me how I've been during the past week. She hasn't even fixed my contamination issues as proved by her own letter; I was so stressed after reading it that I washed my hands 10 times within the space of an hour.

But I'm well enough to go back to the job centre and searching for work that sent me there in the first place? I think not. What kind of world do we live in where if your not better within 3 months you just have to go away and get on with it? What kind of world is it where our medical proffessionals are pressured by the government to just send us out fixed or not? And what kind of world do we live in where they would rather push OCD people to suicide than learn how to treat it properly and allow the time to do it?

Trying to keep composed

My recent activity on this blog has been a bit erratic, I know. I've gone from posting every day or every couple of days to maybe once or twice a month. I find this place very therepeutic for me really. It is a space where I can say what I like and how I feel and if people read it and get help then that's fine and if they don't I still feel better. But I've been finding it really difficult to write anything. I feel like everything is collapsing around me and I feel like I have nothing useful to say. But I'm here now and I'm typing.

So, where to start. Lately everything has been coming at me at once. I was a member of a OCD Skype group but they got out of hand and started to ignore me when I tried to tell them about helpful reassurance and CBT techniques. They just wanted constant reassurance. Everything I said about anything was totally ignored. When the group first started they had a moderator who kept them in line but he's disappeared and now it's all gone to the dogs. I left the group eventually last week but they set off a lot of my social issues. I have a lot of self esteem and social issues; that people are just putting up with me, that people hate me, that I'm people's second choice, that nobody likes me, that I should live the rest of my life all alone because I deserve it, that I'm not good enough for other people, that they like the other girls in the group better because I'm ugly and unlovable... I could go on and on and on.

I've also been having a lot of trouble from the benefits office again. They sent me the case they're sending against my appeal to the Tribunal and half of what they said about me is an outright lie but there isn't anything I can do about it but sit and wait for them to turn me down and start all over again. I was assessed by their medical staff and she wrote down all my obsessions and compulsions that I described but then on the next page said that I suffered from no form of obsessions, delusions, compulsions or ruminations. I have no idea how she can write all of my symptoms then say they're not true. However, she suggested seeing me again in three months once I had been properly evaluated by my psychologist who I'd only seen once at that assessment. The benefits office however, have just ignored that and declined me everything. They asked for a letter from my doctor but my GP wanted paid by them to get the information and is refusing to give it to me personally since the benefits office aren't going to pay for it. So now I have nothing to go on. I'm going to have to do it all over again and it's driving me insane and making my OCD so much worse. Even the thought of having to start over and go through all the stress from them and my family all over again makes me hyperventilate.

On the plus side though, I'm still going to CBT and while she says I still have a lot of work to do and a long way to go she says I understand the theory of my treatment and that I'm a lot better than I was 6 months ago. So at least that is something. If only everything else would fall into place...

Day 126 - Trying to keep busy

Well this will probably be my last post till I get back from my holiday. Lanzarote for a week on Monday so wish me luck not having a total OCD meltdown in a foreign country.

But for now, a little update for you. My psychologist has started trying to target my compulsive handwashing. I had to write down when and why I washed my hands for a day then after that I had to write down when and why I washed my hands using certain rules. I was only allowed to wash my hands after going to the bathroom, before eating and if there was visible dirt or known harmful substances. I went from washing my hands 15 times the first day to 7 the next.

It is really hard to keep up though. I know what the rules are but my head tries to justify why I want to wash my hands to fit into those categories. But I've been trying my best. My psychologist was off sick this week though so I'm just going to have to keep up the experimenting till I'm back from my holiday. Hopefully I'll be too distracted and relaxed when I'm away to stress myself out with obsessions and compulsions but I realise that is unlikely.

Apart from my CBT though I have been really struggling with my stress. I struggled last week because I had a charity event I had planned coming up. I felt totally overwhelmed as I think I mentioned in my last post. And even after it I haven't been able to calm right at all. I don't know if it's just residual stress or because I have to organise me and my mum for going away on holiday and because I set off my BDD and ROCD really badly this week too.

Those two always seem to dance along together. My ROCD just seems to try and steal limelight from every other panic I have. Together they have sent me into many arguments with my fiance this week and have sent me rocking back and forth in bed trying not to feel anything. I'm reading into things other people say and taking them all really personally and I can't look in a mirror without feeling shit about myself.

Hoping a week in the sun will have me feeling a little better. Although a week without my fiance sounds horrific...

Day 112 - CBT week 9

First off, sorry I haven't been online really lately. I have been physically ill and then a complete stressed out mess.

I have been organising an event and I feel totally overwhelmed. It was supposed to be experience that I was allowed to give parts of to other people if I became stressed but I couldn't. It really set off my OCD because I felt totally out of my depth and that I'd taken on too much so early on in starting treatment. It threw my right back to square one but then after worrying about that I'd worry that this was it. I'd feel guilty like I'd been lying to people I was ill and that I should just stop and get on with life like this.

I've been feeling hopeless and worthless and depressed and I can't shake any of the feelings that this is just who I am. I'm really scared that I have to be like this forever and that I don't really have OCD at all.

So my CBT has been set right back to keeping a diary of all my panics and obsessions and making lists of all the compulsive things I do and when. So they can see were the patterns and trends are. I was told to find an app that I could log stuff in though so I now have this free one "Cognitive Diary CBT Self-help"

It's quite good. I mean I imagine ones that charge are better but for a free one it's good. it allows you to log what triggered the thought, what feelings you had, what thoughts you had, how much you are convinced by them and how intense it all was. Then after that, u pick challenge statements and say how much u believe those and there is a space for comments. I wouldn't like to be using it alone to try and get better but it keeps a good log of your OCD.

Day 97 - OCD getting in the way of enjoyment

Now this whole thing may seem a little bit silly to some people but it really bothers me.

When I'm stressed or having a bad day then my OCD shoots sky high and I find it very difficult to do certain things that normally calm my mind and I find enjoyable. In particular, TV and music are ruined for me till I feel better.

Music has been ruined for me for years now. I took music at school and while they were teaching us to analyse music they didn't realise that my OCD would just take it and run. I started noticing all sorts of techniques in music; all kinds of music too, from classical to pop. Now it's progressed to noticing all the similarities between different pieces by the same composer. This is mostly with movies soundtracks though; but I listen to a lot of those. For example, Danny Elfman composes a lot for Tim Burton films but he also did "Oz: The Great and Powerful". His "Oz" soundtrack is really similar to his "Alice in Wonderland" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" ones. However, the one that really annoys me is John Williams. He may be one of the most famous ones but they all sound the same at bits. "Harry Potter", "Star Wars", "Indiana Jones", "Superman", "E.T."... just a few of his films.

I'm aware that just sounds like nitpicking and a pet hate but it really really bothers my OCD. I don't know if it counts as an obsession but it annoys me to my core.

TV can be upset by OCD as well though. In the case of TV every kind of continuity issue sends me into a raging anger. Not just annoying but it really bothers me for ages. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it. Like last week I was watching "The Borgias" and the Pope says he only has one son now... Now that played on my nerves for days. In series 1 there are three sons- Cesare, Juan, Joffre. Now Joffre gets married off and goes off with his wife in Series 1, Juan dies in series 2 but as far as I'm concerned even if Joffre hasn't appeared for 2 series he's still the Pope's son... he doesn't just disappear...

I suppose what I'm really saying with all this ranting is that even if your not obsessing about any of the more common things or having a specific obsession, you can still be bothered by OCD. It can still spring on you and the thoughts that OCD gives you can stay for hours and hours, maybe even days. The thoughts, while not a long lasting obsession usually, are still caused by OCD and still cause extreme anxiety. It's the feeling of not being able to shake the thought at all that is the really disturbing thing. Because I know people who don't have OCD just have this as a fleeting thoughtand yet it can take up great big chunks of my day and stop me focussing on anything else.

Another OCD Sufferers View.

The following article was written by my fiance about OCD. I thought I would share it with you all.

This article was inspired by an OCD support group I am part of.  It is intended to help people with friends and family who suffer from OCD better understand the disorder.  After hearing countless stories of people being judged, bullied, teased and ridiculed as well as experiencing it myself on a day to day basis, I wanted to outline the best I could the key differences between OCD and normal human quirks and habbits.  People with OCD need a lot of support and understanding however their symptoms and behaviors can be confusing for non sufferers which leads to uneccessary conflict and hurt feelings.

I'm going to start off using a scenario.  A group of friends are hanging out together at one of their respective houses.  One of them, lets call him Bill is admiring the impressive DVD collection on display in the living room.  He reaches out to grab one of the boxes when all of a sudden he hears someone scream "NO!" from across the room.  The owner of the house, lets call her Kate, runs over to interupt him.

"Could you not touch my DVD's please.  I know it sounds a bit weird but I just don't like people getting near them." says Kate.

"Why not?!" replies Bill with a puzzled look on his face.

"Oh!  I'm just a bit OCD about my DVD collection that's all".  Kate says.

I can't tell you how many times I have found myself in the above scenario, where someone tries to pass off their "quirks" as a case of obsessive compulsive disorder.  Kate does not have OCD, not unless the idea of someone touching her prized DVD collection also brings about extreme levels of anxiety, intrusive thoughts of bad things happening if someone does touch her DVD collection and the relentless urge to perform meaningless rituals or compulsions in order to rid herself of anxiety and negative thoughts.  More than likely Kate is just a bit particular about her DVD's.  Sure it sounds irrational but everyone has their own odd little habbits, most people even have their own rituals but nothing like suffering from a severe anxiety disorder like obsessive compulsive disorder.

People with OCD go far beyond having "quirks".  The key differences between Kate and an OCD sufferer is how much distress real sufferers go through.  Sure she may have shrieked in horror but the thing about non OCD sufferers and their "quirks" is they are able to put troubling thoughts behind them.  Lets change the scenario a little and say to Kate's horror that Bill had actually picked up one of her DVD's.  She'd have been annoyed no doubt but the the threat would quickly pass in her mind and she would be able to forget about it.  For an OCD sufferer who has an obsession with orderliness it can dominate their entire lives as they spend hours arranging things in specific patterns and numbers, repeating the process over and over again until it feels "just right".  When an OCD sufferer performs a compulsion to relieve his/her anxiety they often look inside their own minds for feedback while scrutinizing every single detail of their obsession.  Imagine your were helping someone hang a picture on a wall and they were adjusting it to line up straight.

"A bit more to the left, now right a bit.  Slightly more left and... THERE!  Perfect!"

It's a bit like that for an OCD person.  A feeling of things being out of place or "wrong" even though they may have arranged it the exact same way 100 times already that day.  The first 99 times the feeling inside their own heads may feel "a little too far to the left" and they will repeat their compulsions until it feels "perfect" however looking for this kind of feedback in your own mind when your prone to feelings of anxiety, panic and dread at the slightest hint of imperfection can be an exhausting process.

"So you are essentially all a bunch of neat freaks?"

This is a statement I hear a lot.  The example I used above of someone with an orderliness obsession was purely for comparison purposes to give you an idea of the difference between Kate and a genuine OCD sufferer however OCD is limitless in terms of what a person could potentially obsess about and the majority of sufferers have more than one obsession in their life time.  When we start to dig a little deeper things become far more disturbing for an individual as their OCD progresses.

A common obsession and one I have suffered through personally is the fear that if I don't do things a certain way until they feel "just right", that bad things will happen to my family.  Usually this manifests itself by my OCD telling me I need to repeat an action such as closing a door a certain number of times or a horrific tragedy will befall my loved ones.  It's at this point I feel I need to clarify how a thought feels for an OCD sufferer.  You may be thinking "but why would you repeating an action have anything to do with what you just described?"  The short answer is nothing but to better understand it from an OCD stand point let's ask the professionals.

"It is well documented that the great majority of people with OCD are aware that their rituals are meaningless, yet they still experience a tremendous urge or impulse to escape the irrational threat by engaging in these rituals. Recently, it has been established that OCD's locus in the brain is in the brain stem, specifically the limbic system. This system is found in the primitive part of the brain and is responsible for regulating sleep cycles, appetite, and the "fight or flight" response to anxiety or stress. A person's ability to reason is located in the brain's outer surface, the neo-cortex. It is important to understand that the brain does not function as a singular, harmonious unit. Various parts of the brain present different levels of priorities or experiences of urgency. This duplicity of experience explains a key phenomenon: as the primitive part of the brain is misfiring biologically, the reasonable neo-cortex is confused by the false alarm. No experience carries a greater sense of urgency than a perception of imminent threat to one's self or to a loved one." - Dr. Steven Phillipson

So we all know that our obsessions are irrational but when key parts of your brain are sending false signals telling you that you are in extreme danger it's easier to understand why someone with OCD may feel compelled to perform these actions regardless of rational thought.  I'd like to highlight the "fight or flight" response mentioned by Dr. Phillipson as this is something we can all relate to.  We all know what it is like to feel like we are in danger or that a loved one could be at risk.  That instant feeling of anxiety and panic.  When you feel like the life has been drained out of you and replaced with feelings of dread.  This feeling is common in day to day life.  When you find out someone you care for is seriously ill or you feel like someone is following you while you make your way home at night.  Well, imagine you carried those feelings with you every day and meaningless little thoughts suddenly bared the same significance as being in serious danger.

Imagine being a new mother or father and being terrified that you will harm your own child against your will?  Imagine feeling like you will suddenly lash out and kill your entire family?  Imagine thinking that if you did not do things a certain way your loved ones would die and you would be the one to blame?  Imagine thinking that person you accidentally bumped in to in the street has given you HIV?  Imagine that the more you tried to push these thoughts away, the more intrusive and relentless they become and despite all rationality all these things feel as real as the air you breath as if they are really happening?  And finally imagine you felt like that 24/7?

"So whats the difference between real thoughts and intrusive ones?"

You might be asking yourself wait, surely if a person thinks about murder all day that they must be dangerous and avoided?  Well for an OCD sufferer it's very important to understand that these thoughts conflict with their very nature.  They do not genuinly enjoy these thoughts or want them to be there.  OCD is a cunning devil, you may hear a sufferer say things like "it felt like I had the urge to..." or "I thought about it and it feels like I would enjoy it..." but these urges and feelings are infact part of the illness and they form after intense scrutiny of ones own feelings and constantly second guessing how a person "should feel" about a thought.  When the brain constantly sends you false signals, a lot gets lost in that but for an obsession to take place there has to be resistance within the mind.  These thoughts go against the nature of the individual suffering from them and thats why they cause so much distress.  They do not fit in the core reality of who that person is.

"But my friend has OCD and all he/she does is wash their hands."

I've been involved with OCD communities for over a year now and in that time I've heard many stories of sufferers struggling to get their close friends and family to understand what they are going through which is often met with raised eye brows and "your being over dramatic" type attitudes.  For this next point I'd like to share a story a gentleman private messaged me on a OCD support forum.

He has been struggling with his obsessions for many years now and as a result had lost his job.  His family inparticular had become very frustrated with him as he seemed to just spend more and more time indoors, obsessing and performing rituals and compulsions.  One day his cousin came to visit and it didn't take long for anger that had been bubbling inside her for a long time to show itself.  She began insisting that he "snap out of it".  When he tried to explain that it wasn't possible for him to just do that she attempted to call him a "faker" due to a friend she knows who has OCD who doesn't behave anything like he does.

Like any disorder OCD habbits can range from mild to severe.  In severe cases people become disabled, often unable to leave their own homes.  In some cases I have even heard of people taking their own lives, however this is a question I also faced personally with my own family too when someone compared me to someone else they knew who also had the disorder.  My response to them was "well have you actually asked how he feels about his OCD?".  The reason I said that is because OCD sufferers are often masters of disguise.  They may appear normal on the outside but inside they are suffering severe torment from the constant thoughts.  It was for this very reason that I personally lost my place at college last year.  Theres many reasons an OCD sufferer may hide their obsessions.  Guilt, fear or shame are common ones.  This is why it's very important for people to understand OCD sufferers.  With the right support and understanding it can give them the confidence to share their worries with people without worrying about being the subject of harsh judgement and name calling.  The more and more we ignore someone with mental illness and pass their symptoms off as being "over dramatic", the worse it inevitability becomes for us and the people around us.

To finish off this point I'd like to highlight that the World Health Organization ranked OCD in the top 10 most disabling illnesses of any kind.  The scope of how much this disorder affects it's sufferers has been completely lost on society, leaving it's millions of sufferers to be the subject of harsh name calling and judgement.  OCD is under reported due to how many people feel guilt and shame over discussing their symptoms with friends, family and even health professionals and those individuals are suffering in silence.

Do you still think I am a neat freak?