Yet again I'm continuing from yesterday but this story came up fresh on the news today and I find it really quite disturbing.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-26377119
There is the link to it if you want to read the full story but I'll try and explain it a little here and why it's so horrific. Now, a woman in Rochdale, England has severe bipolar disorder. She has done since she was a child. She hasn't been able to hold down a job since she was 16. She has been on disability benefit for 27 years for this. This means that in the UK she categorizes as "long term unemployed". That basically sticks a massive target on her head. She was suddenly pushed onto the "Work Programme" in December last year. That means that she, after 27 years, is meant to apply for 15 jobs a week to force her out to work. Because of her reassignment she was sent on an intensive job-seeking course for 8 days. This sent the woman into a manic episode which meant she had to be hospitalised. In hospital she then suffered a heart attack so severe she had suffered brain damage and fell into a coma.
Now, if all that wasn't bad enough. She has now been sent a letter telling her she must find work or have her benefits cut completely. She is STILL in the coma. Now, the department in question and the government have apologised to her family for this but I, and several MP's agree with me in the article, think that this just shows how much people with disabilities are hounded by the benefits office. They push and threaten everyone because they think they have the power to get away with it. And the sad fact is that they do. I, and everyone else collecting benefits, are at the beck and call of their every whim. Before they agreed I was entitled to my disability benefit I had to apply for 15 jobs a week, show them proof I had done so, go and sign on every week and whilst their explain to them why I had yet to find a job. It is ritual humiliation.
Being on disability benefits isn't much better. You spend 6 months at least arguing with them why you are entitled to it at all. Then you go to endless interviews where they ask you irrelevant questions to try and tell you that you are perfectly fit to work. They will even falsify answers to get the result they want, I saw that on my own assessment forms. But even after you have proven you are entitled then you could have your benefit cut partially or altogether at a moments notice. You fear every brown envelope that comes through the door in case they are telling you about cuts or that you are no longer entitled or that you suddenly have to attend intensive training or find work "or else!".
I am aware I have now made this argument at least 4 or 5 times on here. But every time I read things like this I feel physically sick. What sort of world do we live in where this happens. And it's not like it's in a distant land that doesn't understand these things or whatever excuse we would like to think. This is happening in the country I live in. A country that claims to be enlightened about mental health but STILL refuses to help or even address it properly. If I try and talk about this with my grandparents they would just shout at me how right the government are to treat me and others like this. That I just have to accept it. That I should be thankful for what I get whether it comes with abuse and discrimination or not. It can't just be me that finds this both sickening and heartbreaking? I wish their was something real I could do about it. That I could tell the people doing this how wrong they are. That I could tell this backward thinking government how much they are ruining people's lives. This blog is the best I've got.
Friday, 28 February 2014
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Backward Attitudes
Now, I have talked about this a lot lately but it just winds me right up. I was reading an article online all about how terrible the UK's "work capability assessments" are. The comments are so ignorant that I just had to say something.
This is a quote direct from the Guardian's comments section on the article:
This is a quote direct from the Guardian's comments section on the article:
"
"Benefit cuts explicitly linked to mental health problems"So there must be a link which says living on benefits improves someone mental health.
"
How ignorant is that? To think that living on the benefits system improves your mental health. It's like they haven't read the article at all. They've just used it as a stepping stone to push their ridiculously backward views. Others have described the benefits system as being a safety net and a crutch for the mentally ill. Let me tell you right now that I have never felt less safe in my life. I spend every morning worrying that there will be a letter from the benefits office telling me that I am no longer entitled because they said so. I don't feel endlessly supported and helped. Nor do I feel well off or financially comfortable. I and my family have been left hideously in debt by recent benefit cuts and by offices suddenly deciding that we are no longer entitled to things on a whim. People with these views clearly do not have any sort of mental health issue.
The whole system needs reformed to cause less stress and anxiety to the claimants not more. It needs to give out enough money to ACTUALLY support people. It needs to stop treating everyone like they are criminals and automatically turning down claims until appeal. There seems to be no understanding of how this affects people. Or, even worse, no caring about how it does.
There is also this attitude to treatment that we must be fixed within 10 weeks or we're deliberately staying ill. This is yet another statistic stopping us being individuals. Apparently 50% of people treated with CBT get better within 10 weeks so that is all anyone is entitled to. If you aren't in that 50% then you are just given up for dead.
The government spend all there time talking about reform but they don't actually reform anything in a way that is helpful. All their reforms are just getting them bigger bonuses at the end of the year. There is no thought to actually helping people. And they are poisoning the minds of others to think that this is right. So that the only people complaining about this injustice are the people suffering first hand who they can fob off to just wanting more than they are entitled to.
This madness has to stop...
Saturday, 22 February 2014
The After Effects
I have stressed myself to new heights during this week for one reason or another. This has resulted in a migraine of epic proportions. It's been awful. I get a huge array of symptoms with them. I lose half my vision, my hand and face go numb and tingly, I get sick, I get a really bad stomach, I can't think, sometimes I can't even speak and of course a thumping headache. I woke up at 8am with it and had flashy lights in my vision, tingly, numbness and couldn't speak on and off till lunchtime. Then I was fine all afternoon. Then it happened all over again but on the other side of my head tonight. I feel utterly appalling. Not to mention the fact that they set off my OCD. I have a complete panic attack that I'm have a stroke, going blind or have a brain tumour. Despite the fact that I've had migraine's since I was 12.
Periods of heavy stress always take a physical toll on a person. Headaches, nausea, and insomnia are the most common. Migraines are a sort of extreme version of that. I also, along with a lot of people, suffer from stress induced IBS. Stress is a very difficult process that people that don't suffer from it often don't understand. People think that our inability sometimes to function normally is all in our heads. That we are just over-exagerating how we feel and moping about. But that really isn't the case. Even if the mental state we are in isn't debilitating enough then it is often followed immediately by terrible phsical side-effects and pain. I am sometimes doubled over with stomach cramps that are induced by stress and anxiety.
I think it is hard for any person to understand how interconnected our body parts are. How something that effects our emotions can take it's toll on our physical being. How something as deep routed and untangible as thought can then menifest itself in a physical form. Even dry skin and other skin conditions can be connected to stress and anxiety related illness. It's difficult to comprehend for me even though I know it's true.
There is a school of thought that says people with mental health conditions often do not live as long as others. Or even that just people who aren't as happy live shorter lives than people who are. It's not untrue. Whilst I am not into all of the slightly hippie side of medicine I do believe that this particular angle is true. That I, with all my stress, anxiety, OCD, BDD, trust issues, depression.... That I will put such a strain on my body that I will die before someone who does not suffer from any of these things. Nothing to do with how much I exercise or how much I weigh. It is purely to do with how this all affects a person. My blood pressure is often high and so is my heart rate, not because I am unhealthy always, but because I panic myself into it. That cannot be good for my heart.
We all need to take a new attitude to mental health and what it does physically as well as what it does mentally.
Periods of heavy stress always take a physical toll on a person. Headaches, nausea, and insomnia are the most common. Migraines are a sort of extreme version of that. I also, along with a lot of people, suffer from stress induced IBS. Stress is a very difficult process that people that don't suffer from it often don't understand. People think that our inability sometimes to function normally is all in our heads. That we are just over-exagerating how we feel and moping about. But that really isn't the case. Even if the mental state we are in isn't debilitating enough then it is often followed immediately by terrible phsical side-effects and pain. I am sometimes doubled over with stomach cramps that are induced by stress and anxiety.
I think it is hard for any person to understand how interconnected our body parts are. How something that effects our emotions can take it's toll on our physical being. How something as deep routed and untangible as thought can then menifest itself in a physical form. Even dry skin and other skin conditions can be connected to stress and anxiety related illness. It's difficult to comprehend for me even though I know it's true.
There is a school of thought that says people with mental health conditions often do not live as long as others. Or even that just people who aren't as happy live shorter lives than people who are. It's not untrue. Whilst I am not into all of the slightly hippie side of medicine I do believe that this particular angle is true. That I, with all my stress, anxiety, OCD, BDD, trust issues, depression.... That I will put such a strain on my body that I will die before someone who does not suffer from any of these things. Nothing to do with how much I exercise or how much I weigh. It is purely to do with how this all affects a person. My blood pressure is often high and so is my heart rate, not because I am unhealthy always, but because I panic myself into it. That cannot be good for my heart.
We all need to take a new attitude to mental health and what it does physically as well as what it does mentally.
Friday, 21 February 2014
The Safe Place
This term is thrown around a lot in my family. The Kerr dictionary definition for it is "the place we put things to get lost". For example:
MUM: I've lost my keys!
ME: Did you put them in the safe place?
It's also the space I go to to clear my head. It's the place in my head where I do all the things that distract me from what a terrible time I'm having. Everyone has one no matter what they call it. Sometimes it's a healthier place than other's. But don't get me wrong, it isn't healthy really. I shouldn't have to turn music up so loud my hearing is funny for hours after and I shouldn't have to make a millionaire shortbread and two batches of cupcakes to feel calm. I'd like to point out that I did all that today but all the baked goods are still in the kitchen... I did not comfort eat myself all of that today. I'll spread that out over a few days and I am planning to share.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that we shouldn't lean on the safe place for support. All it does is shove our problems in a box until later. We aren't any more ready to deal with it later so we put it back in the safe place. I should face up to the fact that I still can't stop my ex chasing me down to "apologize" by telling me about his new relationship and reiterate how he never loved me. I should face up to the fact that everything he said hurts. I should not run away from it and bake. For a start, eating it isn't going to help my unattractiveness (he said that too not just my opinion, although of course with BDD I am of that opinion).
But, I am still playing loud music now, because thinking about it still makes me feel awful. It still sets off several different areas of my OCD and BDD. I suppose I'm still in the safe place because I don't know where to go from there. It's snuggly and warm in here with my music so loud I can't really think. But at the end of the day I will still have to face it.
I think I sort of lost the point of this post in another rant about my ex. I think what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't get lost up in the cosy fantasy of it. Pushing it aside doesn't make it stop. Whether you go for a walk, a run, find a punching bag (a literal one not a person you are angry at), bake or listen to loud music. I'm very good at getting lost in the safe place and thinking I'm invincible. The longer I stay in it the worse I get, I start making stupid more insane decisions because the crazier they are the more distracting they are. I even did this last night over my hair panic. Every time I freak out over anything I go to this safe place.
This should also be a note to others to watch for. If you know someone is going through something, whether with their condition or just life in general, their stupid decisions should not just be a talking point with others. Too much safe place can lead to self saboutage. So once they've moved past loud music and a late night run step in and have words. Even if they shout at you, get angry or cry. It's best to get it out there and confront it. Because God knows where it might end otherwise.
Sorry for another disjointed rant but I think there's a rambling point in it somewhere.
MUM: I've lost my keys!
ME: Did you put them in the safe place?
It's also the space I go to to clear my head. It's the place in my head where I do all the things that distract me from what a terrible time I'm having. Everyone has one no matter what they call it. Sometimes it's a healthier place than other's. But don't get me wrong, it isn't healthy really. I shouldn't have to turn music up so loud my hearing is funny for hours after and I shouldn't have to make a millionaire shortbread and two batches of cupcakes to feel calm. I'd like to point out that I did all that today but all the baked goods are still in the kitchen... I did not comfort eat myself all of that today. I'll spread that out over a few days and I am planning to share.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that we shouldn't lean on the safe place for support. All it does is shove our problems in a box until later. We aren't any more ready to deal with it later so we put it back in the safe place. I should face up to the fact that I still can't stop my ex chasing me down to "apologize" by telling me about his new relationship and reiterate how he never loved me. I should face up to the fact that everything he said hurts. I should not run away from it and bake. For a start, eating it isn't going to help my unattractiveness (he said that too not just my opinion, although of course with BDD I am of that opinion).
But, I am still playing loud music now, because thinking about it still makes me feel awful. It still sets off several different areas of my OCD and BDD. I suppose I'm still in the safe place because I don't know where to go from there. It's snuggly and warm in here with my music so loud I can't really think. But at the end of the day I will still have to face it.
I think I sort of lost the point of this post in another rant about my ex. I think what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't get lost up in the cosy fantasy of it. Pushing it aside doesn't make it stop. Whether you go for a walk, a run, find a punching bag (a literal one not a person you are angry at), bake or listen to loud music. I'm very good at getting lost in the safe place and thinking I'm invincible. The longer I stay in it the worse I get, I start making stupid more insane decisions because the crazier they are the more distracting they are. I even did this last night over my hair panic. Every time I freak out over anything I go to this safe place.
This should also be a note to others to watch for. If you know someone is going through something, whether with their condition or just life in general, their stupid decisions should not just be a talking point with others. Too much safe place can lead to self saboutage. So once they've moved past loud music and a late night run step in and have words. Even if they shout at you, get angry or cry. It's best to get it out there and confront it. Because God knows where it might end otherwise.
Sorry for another disjointed rant but I think there's a rambling point in it somewhere.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Mid Panic
I know I've made this sort of post on here before but I think sometimes it helps me get my panic off my chest when nobody is in to talk to.
So I'm having a complete meltdown. I freaking out over my hair again. It started yesterday when I got an itch on the back of my head and I slightly over scratched it. So it was sore yesterday but I didn't think too much of it.
Until about an hour ago. I had totally forgotten about it and I scratched it again, not hard mind, barely a tickle. And it hurt. Now whenever I tilt my head back I can feel it. This started my para. What if I've scratched it so hard all the hair falls out across that strip on the back of my head? What if? What if? WHAT IF?
Then, I made the mistake of going for a shower. I should have left it till the morning. Showering is a minefield for my OCD at the best of times. I already have a chill run down my spine when I wash my hair and a few strands come out. I already panic completely that a shower is just spreading the germs out over my body more. So why, why pray tell me please, did I decide this was the time to have a shower?
Every strand of hair I saw loose from my scalp had me shaking. Then after A got out I kept searching my hair for areas where there was more space between the strands. I have fine hair, pulled apart the space between strands always looks huge. Yet still I pry apart wet clumps of my hair looking for sparse patches. Then I checked whether my hairline was the same on both sides. Big mistake. I'm now convinced that my left temple is receding in some way. It looks thinner. It definately looks like my hair starts further back.
I've been pacing my room for about 20 minutes now. Trying to resist the temptation to wake my mum up and seek reassurance. I can't stop my mind going though. Even now I'm not in front of the mirror I'm having visions of what I saw in it. It's so clear in my mind. I don't even know how I'm going to ignore it and go to sleep. I want to go and ask and pester until it goes away for me.
And I know, I panic over this exact thing all the time. I have done for years. And as much as I tell myself that and that even if it were true there is no good that would come from waking someone up tonight that couldn't be done in the morning. If it's happening it's happening so surely a few hours would make no difference? I mean I can't rush off to Accident and Emergency for that. But I can't stop. I want that reassurance. I need it to relax and sleep. Because this time must be different. This is the one time that I actually AM going bald. All the other times I was overreacting and panicking. When I worried about hair coming out in the shower just a few days ago that was just me being silly. But THIS time it's different. I know it. I can feel it. This time it's real.
Wish me luck...
So I'm having a complete meltdown. I freaking out over my hair again. It started yesterday when I got an itch on the back of my head and I slightly over scratched it. So it was sore yesterday but I didn't think too much of it.
Until about an hour ago. I had totally forgotten about it and I scratched it again, not hard mind, barely a tickle. And it hurt. Now whenever I tilt my head back I can feel it. This started my para. What if I've scratched it so hard all the hair falls out across that strip on the back of my head? What if? What if? WHAT IF?
Then, I made the mistake of going for a shower. I should have left it till the morning. Showering is a minefield for my OCD at the best of times. I already have a chill run down my spine when I wash my hair and a few strands come out. I already panic completely that a shower is just spreading the germs out over my body more. So why, why pray tell me please, did I decide this was the time to have a shower?
Every strand of hair I saw loose from my scalp had me shaking. Then after A got out I kept searching my hair for areas where there was more space between the strands. I have fine hair, pulled apart the space between strands always looks huge. Yet still I pry apart wet clumps of my hair looking for sparse patches. Then I checked whether my hairline was the same on both sides. Big mistake. I'm now convinced that my left temple is receding in some way. It looks thinner. It definately looks like my hair starts further back.
I've been pacing my room for about 20 minutes now. Trying to resist the temptation to wake my mum up and seek reassurance. I can't stop my mind going though. Even now I'm not in front of the mirror I'm having visions of what I saw in it. It's so clear in my mind. I don't even know how I'm going to ignore it and go to sleep. I want to go and ask and pester until it goes away for me.
And I know, I panic over this exact thing all the time. I have done for years. And as much as I tell myself that and that even if it were true there is no good that would come from waking someone up tonight that couldn't be done in the morning. If it's happening it's happening so surely a few hours would make no difference? I mean I can't rush off to Accident and Emergency for that. But I can't stop. I want that reassurance. I need it to relax and sleep. Because this time must be different. This is the one time that I actually AM going bald. All the other times I was overreacting and panicking. When I worried about hair coming out in the shower just a few days ago that was just me being silly. But THIS time it's different. I know it. I can feel it. This time it's real.
Wish me luck...
Monday, 17 February 2014
Reduced to a Statistic
40% of disability claims in the UK.
2 times higher unemployment rate than the general population.
1 in 4 people experience mental health issues a year.
10% of children experience mental health issues at time.
1 in 5 older people suffer from depression
British men are 3 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
400 in 100,000 people in the UK self-harm.
1 in 10 prisoners DOESN'T have a mental health condition.
26 in 1000 suffer from depression.
47 in 1000 suffer from anxiety.
97 in 1000 suffer from anxiety AND depression.
13 in 1000 suffer from OCD.
30 in 1000 suffer from PTSD.
9 in 10 people suffer discrimination for their mental health condition.
Is it just me who finds all that both disturbing and insulting in equal measure? These are all quoted facts from newspapers, charities and health organisations. I have no doubt that these are all true. I will trust that, at least of them. But I do not see why I have to be completely reduced to a number. Everywhere I go for help either medically or financially and I am just a number and a tick box. Politically I am a figure of money tax payers are throwing away to take care of me. When did we stop being people?
Every time I see an article online or on TV I finish up just angry. The way the media talks about people with mental health conditions is exactly why 9 in 10 are discriminated against. I genuinely read an article today that said that being mentally ill was ruining my employability prospects. Because when I'm curled in a ball crying over whatever is killing me today my first thought is whether that is going to stop me getting a job later. Again, I don't doubt it is probably true. But we are people with emotions and thoughts and opinions. We aren't just a drain on resources. It shouldn't be about whether I can work in a call centre, it should be about aiding my recovery. Nowhere in any of the articles giving me these facts did it talk about us as people or about how these facts reflected a lack of effective treatment and care. It was all about how I was draining tax money and not giving back and how I was perfectly able to work really if I try hard. Nothing about why all these numbers are ever increasing. Nothing at all about WHY.
The media are damning the mentally ill because they are an easy target. They are turning other people against the plight of the mentally ill. Even within my own family they have had their minds turned by the media. I get dogs abuse sometimes because I am not out working and that I'm not really ill because the Guardian told them so and the DailyMail agreed. What will it take to make people actually see what the real problem is?
2 times higher unemployment rate than the general population.
1 in 4 people experience mental health issues a year.
10% of children experience mental health issues at time.
1 in 5 older people suffer from depression
British men are 3 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
400 in 100,000 people in the UK self-harm.
1 in 10 prisoners DOESN'T have a mental health condition.
26 in 1000 suffer from depression.
47 in 1000 suffer from anxiety.
97 in 1000 suffer from anxiety AND depression.
13 in 1000 suffer from OCD.
30 in 1000 suffer from PTSD.
9 in 10 people suffer discrimination for their mental health condition.
Is it just me who finds all that both disturbing and insulting in equal measure? These are all quoted facts from newspapers, charities and health organisations. I have no doubt that these are all true. I will trust that, at least of them. But I do not see why I have to be completely reduced to a number. Everywhere I go for help either medically or financially and I am just a number and a tick box. Politically I am a figure of money tax payers are throwing away to take care of me. When did we stop being people?
Every time I see an article online or on TV I finish up just angry. The way the media talks about people with mental health conditions is exactly why 9 in 10 are discriminated against. I genuinely read an article today that said that being mentally ill was ruining my employability prospects. Because when I'm curled in a ball crying over whatever is killing me today my first thought is whether that is going to stop me getting a job later. Again, I don't doubt it is probably true. But we are people with emotions and thoughts and opinions. We aren't just a drain on resources. It shouldn't be about whether I can work in a call centre, it should be about aiding my recovery. Nowhere in any of the articles giving me these facts did it talk about us as people or about how these facts reflected a lack of effective treatment and care. It was all about how I was draining tax money and not giving back and how I was perfectly able to work really if I try hard. Nothing about why all these numbers are ever increasing. Nothing at all about WHY.
The media are damning the mentally ill because they are an easy target. They are turning other people against the plight of the mentally ill. Even within my own family they have had their minds turned by the media. I get dogs abuse sometimes because I am not out working and that I'm not really ill because the Guardian told them so and the DailyMail agreed. What will it take to make people actually see what the real problem is?
Saturday, 15 February 2014
How to talk to OCD people
Now I think someone needs to address this. It is relevant to everyone. Even me sometimes. This is not something that is just for non-sufferers. OCD people are more than capable of this issue too.
Now, I'm going to address this from the point of view of my own OCD. OK, my main obsessions are body related, germ related, health related or relationship related. These are no go areas unless you are trying to induce a panic attack. Everyone who knows me even moderately well knows this.
HOWEVER, this doesn't seem to stop people from going there. An example from today alone, my ex (yes I know I said I wouldn't mention him but he was stalkery and this just needs to be said). He knows me and my OCD very well indeed. Intimately, one might say. So, explain to me this, how did he think that it was ok to leave a comment on my last post telling me that he just talked himself into loving me because he had low self-esteem and now realises he was never attracted to me?
Because that doesn't touch on my main no go areas at all (and yes, that was very sarcastic). I realise that he has OCD and body issues too.... But that does not excuse setting off mine.
This sort of thing happens all the time for people. People say things they know are areas to avoid with a person. Whether because it makes them feel better about themselves, they are trying to upset you or just don't care/notice they said anything upsetting. And as I said, I'm sure I do it too. But I think we all need to be more aware of what we say to people.
Sorry for the rant
Now, I'm going to address this from the point of view of my own OCD. OK, my main obsessions are body related, germ related, health related or relationship related. These are no go areas unless you are trying to induce a panic attack. Everyone who knows me even moderately well knows this.
HOWEVER, this doesn't seem to stop people from going there. An example from today alone, my ex (yes I know I said I wouldn't mention him but he was stalkery and this just needs to be said). He knows me and my OCD very well indeed. Intimately, one might say. So, explain to me this, how did he think that it was ok to leave a comment on my last post telling me that he just talked himself into loving me because he had low self-esteem and now realises he was never attracted to me?
Because that doesn't touch on my main no go areas at all (and yes, that was very sarcastic). I realise that he has OCD and body issues too.... But that does not excuse setting off mine.
This sort of thing happens all the time for people. People say things they know are areas to avoid with a person. Whether because it makes them feel better about themselves, they are trying to upset you or just don't care/notice they said anything upsetting. And as I said, I'm sure I do it too. But I think we all need to be more aware of what we say to people.
Sorry for the rant
Friday, 14 February 2014
Update
Hi,
I went dark a couple of months ago but I'm back and good to go now. So this is just a quick update on what's been going on since my disappearance.
Well, firstly, still OCD. No better at all. In fact, if anything I'm worse. I keep having to wake up my mum in the middle of the night to ask her things. I'm trying to resist doing it right now in fact. That's why I'm trying to distract myself here. I've been trying to distract myself a lot lately. It's my main way of coping is to find new things to do. In the past couple of months I've done an online course on Event's Management, A couple of cake decorating classes, planned an event at the place I volunteer at, learned to play auld lang syne on the piano, bought an online music course, written a 60,000 word book and bought a new camera to "get more into my photography". I'm also discussing starting a business venture with my mum.
See, busy busy. I can't stop or I let the thoughts in. And since I am not allowed any more help from the NHS this is all I have to stop my OCD taking over. I still can't really switch off. I mean it's nearly 3am now and I'm not even sleepy. I'm too wired and panicky. My mind is racing even though I'm trying to relax.
In other news, I am no longer seeing my fiance. Back in December and I'm only now starting to calm down about it. Of course, he made that more difficult. He insisted we could still be friends but that was a total lie. Every time I thought it might be OK he would try and get me to go on a date with him. Or go to the other extreme and go on a hateful tirade about how I was worse than people who cheat, or worse than my dad, who walked out when I was 6 for my friend's mum (yes, I'm aware that is one for Jeremy Kyle). In the end I had to stop talking to him altogether and remove him from my life. Even if I'd gone on a date with him and gotten back together and married him he would have kept casting stuff up at me forever. Not that I could have dated him again anyway. By the time we parted ways it felt like a relief when I didn't have to spend time with him. All in all, a rough couple of months.
P.S. in case he or his family still stalk my blog, that was the only time I'm going to mention him so you can put down the phone to your lawyer's.
Lastly, I have just made the rather grim discovery that it's Valentine's Day. If ever there was a day invented for my body and relationship issues it was today. Wish me luck...
I went dark a couple of months ago but I'm back and good to go now. So this is just a quick update on what's been going on since my disappearance.
Well, firstly, still OCD. No better at all. In fact, if anything I'm worse. I keep having to wake up my mum in the middle of the night to ask her things. I'm trying to resist doing it right now in fact. That's why I'm trying to distract myself here. I've been trying to distract myself a lot lately. It's my main way of coping is to find new things to do. In the past couple of months I've done an online course on Event's Management, A couple of cake decorating classes, planned an event at the place I volunteer at, learned to play auld lang syne on the piano, bought an online music course, written a 60,000 word book and bought a new camera to "get more into my photography". I'm also discussing starting a business venture with my mum.
See, busy busy. I can't stop or I let the thoughts in. And since I am not allowed any more help from the NHS this is all I have to stop my OCD taking over. I still can't really switch off. I mean it's nearly 3am now and I'm not even sleepy. I'm too wired and panicky. My mind is racing even though I'm trying to relax.
In other news, I am no longer seeing my fiance. Back in December and I'm only now starting to calm down about it. Of course, he made that more difficult. He insisted we could still be friends but that was a total lie. Every time I thought it might be OK he would try and get me to go on a date with him. Or go to the other extreme and go on a hateful tirade about how I was worse than people who cheat, or worse than my dad, who walked out when I was 6 for my friend's mum (yes, I'm aware that is one for Jeremy Kyle). In the end I had to stop talking to him altogether and remove him from my life. Even if I'd gone on a date with him and gotten back together and married him he would have kept casting stuff up at me forever. Not that I could have dated him again anyway. By the time we parted ways it felt like a relief when I didn't have to spend time with him. All in all, a rough couple of months.
P.S. in case he or his family still stalk my blog, that was the only time I'm going to mention him so you can put down the phone to your lawyer's.
Lastly, I have just made the rather grim discovery that it's Valentine's Day. If ever there was a day invented for my body and relationship issues it was today. Wish me luck...
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