I thought I had anxiety before. It was nothing compared to what I have now. The stress from having all these things to do is setting off every obsession that I have.
Today alone I have so many different panics. First thing I thought I was going blind, then I was having a heart attack, then I was having a migraine, then I was going bald, then I was too fat, then I wanted to comfort eat, then I was being poisoned by a jaggy thing stuck in my leggings, then I was having a stroke, then all my teeth were going to fall out, then my ROCD set off, then my HOCD set off, then I was back to my teeth falling out...
All that was today... just today... and I was supposed to be rearranging my DVDs for my CBT exercises today. Every time I think about doing it I distract myself with something else. I have done nothing but stress myself out and I feel like s**t but I don't know how to actually calm down. I keep checking things.
I keep licking all my teeth to make sure they all feel ok and that none of themhurt of move. Then I keep thinking things feel wrong and having to keep doing it. I'll end up eroding them away with all the licking at this rate. And I keep feeling my scalp for bald patches and running my fingers through my hair to make sure not too many strands come out. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I couldn't feel worse today. Worst day in a while...
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Day 76 - CBT week 4
This last week has been very stressful really. I've had a lot of different stresses with benefits appeals and my ROCD has been really bad.
I've spent all week picking faults and arguments with my fiance. Then I kept worrying he was going to get bored of me and my moods and leave me. I've been really struggling with it and because I've been feeling so bad I kept putting off my CBT exercises.
I was supposed to rearrange my coloured pencils and my DVD's over the weekend. I only managed to rearrange my DVDs and it was really difficult to keep going. I immediately felt anxious and wanted to move them back around. Even when I wasn't looking at them I kept wanting to stare at them and it all FELT wrong. I managed to leave them the wrong way round though. That was 2 days ago and they're stillthe wrong way round and even though I feel less anxious there is still a niggling feeling that I need to move them back around. If I think about it at all it still feels wrong.
Also, I did my first in session exercise. My psychologist spread jam on the coffee table next to my chair and made me sit next to it. I got very tense and edgy and kept staring at it all the time. Even when I was talking to her about other things I kept looking at it or wanting tolook at it. It was like I needed to keep an eye on it at all times. Not that I really thought it would move but like if I wasn't vigilent enough part of me or my bag or something might touch it. I wasn't even happy being near the table. It took a good 40 minutes or so to even get my anxiety to start to drop and even when I left the session I still felt a little tense.
I have to repeat the DVD rearranging exercise three times over the next week. The more I practice the easier it'll get.
I've spent all week picking faults and arguments with my fiance. Then I kept worrying he was going to get bored of me and my moods and leave me. I've been really struggling with it and because I've been feeling so bad I kept putting off my CBT exercises.
I was supposed to rearrange my coloured pencils and my DVD's over the weekend. I only managed to rearrange my DVDs and it was really difficult to keep going. I immediately felt anxious and wanted to move them back around. Even when I wasn't looking at them I kept wanting to stare at them and it all FELT wrong. I managed to leave them the wrong way round though. That was 2 days ago and they're stillthe wrong way round and even though I feel less anxious there is still a niggling feeling that I need to move them back around. If I think about it at all it still feels wrong.
Also, I did my first in session exercise. My psychologist spread jam on the coffee table next to my chair and made me sit next to it. I got very tense and edgy and kept staring at it all the time. Even when I was talking to her about other things I kept looking at it or wanting tolook at it. It was like I needed to keep an eye on it at all times. Not that I really thought it would move but like if I wasn't vigilent enough part of me or my bag or something might touch it. I wasn't even happy being near the table. It took a good 40 minutes or so to even get my anxiety to start to drop and even when I left the session I still felt a little tense.
I have to repeat the DVD rearranging exercise three times over the next week. The more I practice the easier it'll get.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Day 71 - CBT week 3
Right this week is my first week of having actual tasks to do for my CBT.
I have to try rearranging a few of my perfectly ordered DVDs and leaving them like that till my anxiety goes down. I'm not holding out much hope for that one. I've been ordering things since I was a child. I can hardly last any time at all before I need to move them back. But I'm willing to give it a shot.
She's starting my treatment from the least scary obsession up to the most. So my illness and relationship worries are going to take a while to get to. At least it is all moving forward now though. Not just sitting and waiting anymore.
I've had some really bad panics this week though. I got all panicky that there was something wrong with my eye, my brain and a few times I panicked over my relationship. Basically it's been all go. Not really being able to settle even when I'm not having a panic attack because I have to sort out my benefits appeal which is completely stressing me out. I don't know how to word the letter I need to write or anything and especially what I'll do if it doesn't get passed. I'm entitled to it but it could take till I'm better to get the money... maybe that's why my OCD is worse this week...because I have other stresses as well.
Oh well another day...
I have to try rearranging a few of my perfectly ordered DVDs and leaving them like that till my anxiety goes down. I'm not holding out much hope for that one. I've been ordering things since I was a child. I can hardly last any time at all before I need to move them back. But I'm willing to give it a shot.
She's starting my treatment from the least scary obsession up to the most. So my illness and relationship worries are going to take a while to get to. At least it is all moving forward now though. Not just sitting and waiting anymore.
I've had some really bad panics this week though. I got all panicky that there was something wrong with my eye, my brain and a few times I panicked over my relationship. Basically it's been all go. Not really being able to settle even when I'm not having a panic attack because I have to sort out my benefits appeal which is completely stressing me out. I don't know how to word the letter I need to write or anything and especially what I'll do if it doesn't get passed. I'm entitled to it but it could take till I'm better to get the money... maybe that's why my OCD is worse this week...because I have other stresses as well.
Oh well another day...
Saturday, 16 March 2013
Day 66 - OCD Panic
I know I haven't posted in a few days but I have been so down and depressed that I didn't feel able to type anything.
I feel a little better today but I'm still really tetchy and on edge. I felt really good after my psychologists appointment on Wednesday. I was all hopeful and happy about how they were planning to treat me. I mean, I know it'll be hard but I'm glad they're going to take it slow and steady with me and make sure I'm happy with it and not just throw it all at me.
Then, the next day I got into an argument with my fiance and I've been completely depressed and ROCD since. I can't shake it at all. I feel useless and worthless and like I should sit in a room all alone till I die.
I've had this kind of thing before. Like I fall off a precipice with my OCD and suddenly I feel totally socially unacceptable. I feel like I'm not able to speak to anyone outside of my family. Like everything is wrong and I can't bear it.
I've been feeling totally overwhelmed, embarassed by everything, touchy and argumentative. And I feel like I don't deserve a relationship. Like I should be left all alone forever and it would serve me right for being such a terrible person.
And this is how I feel now I feel a bit BETTER. But at least I do feel a bit better. Tomorrow might be better still.
I feel a little better today but I'm still really tetchy and on edge. I felt really good after my psychologists appointment on Wednesday. I was all hopeful and happy about how they were planning to treat me. I mean, I know it'll be hard but I'm glad they're going to take it slow and steady with me and make sure I'm happy with it and not just throw it all at me.
Then, the next day I got into an argument with my fiance and I've been completely depressed and ROCD since. I can't shake it at all. I feel useless and worthless and like I should sit in a room all alone till I die.
I've had this kind of thing before. Like I fall off a precipice with my OCD and suddenly I feel totally socially unacceptable. I feel like I'm not able to speak to anyone outside of my family. Like everything is wrong and I can't bear it.
I've been feeling totally overwhelmed, embarassed by everything, touchy and argumentative. And I feel like I don't deserve a relationship. Like I should be left all alone forever and it would serve me right for being such a terrible person.
And this is how I feel now I feel a bit BETTER. But at least I do feel a bit better. Tomorrow might be better still.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Day 63 - CBT Week 2
Sorry I haven't been posting as much this week as I usually do. Maybe it's a good thing. People don't have me cluttering up their feeds. I've just been too caught up and depressed over my CBT.
It's really hard to stick to. Especially since it just makes u feel worse to start with. I'm that awful kind of OCD sufferer who backs off and gives up as soon as anything is difficult. But I've stuck with it at least. I resisted the urge to test my symptoms and Google them when I was worried about migraines or any other kind of weird feelings I got.
I felt awful. The anxiety went through the roof and stayed there for far longer than usual. It only went down after a few hours of rocking back and forth and crying and hyperventilating and panicking.
I went back to the psychologists today though and she said she was very proud of me for giving it a go at least. Next week I've got to write a list of my obsessions in order of least to most scary so they can cater my treatment. So that shouldn't be too hard...
It's really hard to stick to. Especially since it just makes u feel worse to start with. I'm that awful kind of OCD sufferer who backs off and gives up as soon as anything is difficult. But I've stuck with it at least. I resisted the urge to test my symptoms and Google them when I was worried about migraines or any other kind of weird feelings I got.
I felt awful. The anxiety went through the roof and stayed there for far longer than usual. It only went down after a few hours of rocking back and forth and crying and hyperventilating and panicking.
I went back to the psychologists today though and she said she was very proud of me for giving it a go at least. Next week I've got to write a list of my obsessions in order of least to most scary so they can cater my treatment. So that shouldn't be too hard...
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Day 59 - CBT Issues
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is proved to be the most effective treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
It surrounds the reprogramming of the mind. So you force yourself to not carry out compulsions till you stop feeling anxious about it. So far I'm not keen on it.
I did only start on Wednesday but I feel like nothing is happening. I feel no better my anxiety is still just shifting around inside my head. Like they are targeting one obsession at a time but the one thing they are focussing on this week isn't being an issue for me this week. Everything else is.
I feel like they are shoehorning me into a specific path. I'll see how it carries on though. Maybe it will feel more worthwhile in time. Just now though I feel like nothing is going on and they're basically telling me to suck it up and carry on anyway. They aren't really giving me support.
Oh well...
It surrounds the reprogramming of the mind. So you force yourself to not carry out compulsions till you stop feeling anxious about it. So far I'm not keen on it.
I did only start on Wednesday but I feel like nothing is happening. I feel no better my anxiety is still just shifting around inside my head. Like they are targeting one obsession at a time but the one thing they are focussing on this week isn't being an issue for me this week. Everything else is.
I feel like they are shoehorning me into a specific path. I'll see how it carries on though. Maybe it will feel more worthwhile in time. Just now though I feel like nothing is going on and they're basically telling me to suck it up and carry on anyway. They aren't really giving me support.
Oh well...
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Day 56 - CBT Week 1
Today I got my first actual session of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
First off, I had a migraine so I felt awful for the whole thing and a little out of it. I also tend to get a severe case of verbal diarrhea for the whole hour. My poor CAAP (Clinical Associate in Applied Psychology) didn't get a chance to try her relaxation techniques with me. She had to shove that back to next week.
However, I got given my first piece of CBT homework. All this week I have to not check my migraines. I assume they meant any of my health panics though since I don't get migraines all the time. But I'm not allowed to google my symptoms, seek reassurance off others or give myself physical checks. I just have to sit there and deal with it.
They also told me to come to my next appointment by myself which is going to be more difficult than it sounds. I don't really have a problem going on buses alone as long as I have my ipod to keep my mind occupied and my psychologist didn't actually say to stop that. But whatever, I'd do what they said if it kept them happy. They'll stop my treatment if I don't. My main issue is that I'm going there on the way to my Fiance's. So he is going to be there so he can go home.
I wonder if they'll accept that as a reason or if they'll tell me off? It's not like I asked anyone to come with me. He came round at the last minute. When I made the appointment I told mum she didn't have to come with me next week and stuff. I suppose for all the stuff they are making me do that is a fairly minor worry though. Maybe it just hasn't all sunk in yet. I suppose we'll see as soon as I find a health obsession to stress over.
First off, I had a migraine so I felt awful for the whole thing and a little out of it. I also tend to get a severe case of verbal diarrhea for the whole hour. My poor CAAP (Clinical Associate in Applied Psychology) didn't get a chance to try her relaxation techniques with me. She had to shove that back to next week.
However, I got given my first piece of CBT homework. All this week I have to not check my migraines. I assume they meant any of my health panics though since I don't get migraines all the time. But I'm not allowed to google my symptoms, seek reassurance off others or give myself physical checks. I just have to sit there and deal with it.
They also told me to come to my next appointment by myself which is going to be more difficult than it sounds. I don't really have a problem going on buses alone as long as I have my ipod to keep my mind occupied and my psychologist didn't actually say to stop that. But whatever, I'd do what they said if it kept them happy. They'll stop my treatment if I don't. My main issue is that I'm going there on the way to my Fiance's. So he is going to be there so he can go home.
I wonder if they'll accept that as a reason or if they'll tell me off? It's not like I asked anyone to come with me. He came round at the last minute. When I made the appointment I told mum she didn't have to come with me next week and stuff. I suppose for all the stuff they are making me do that is a fairly minor worry though. Maybe it just hasn't all sunk in yet. I suppose we'll see as soon as I find a health obsession to stress over.
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Day 54 - New Spikes
Well I've decided to keep on here to vent. Even if I am just a moan at least I feel a bit better afterwards.
And after what happened to me earlier I could do with that feeling a little better...
I had a massive HOCD spike. My HOCD has been not bad of late. It was only bothering me every so often and would sort of panic me for about half an hour then wear off. Not today. Today it sprung on me in the most personal and private way possible. I'm not sure how much detail it is right to go into in a public site but suffice to say an image of a woman I had met at the party the other night popped into my head at a very disturbing moment.
It wasn't a sexual image really either. It was an image of a photo I had taken of her at the party since I was supposed to take pictures of everyone. I did think she was pretty on the night and that her dress looked nice and she seemed like a lovely person but it never bothered me at the time.
It just popped into my head earlier and I've been completely paranoid ever since. I now remember her mentioning her a couple of times to other people after the party but I think it was mostly about that it was a nice photo but I couldn't remembre who she was there with. And now I think that mentioning her so much must mean I fancy her. And her popping into my head at complletely the wrong moment must mean I fancy her. And now I must be a lesbian.
I panicked myself so much I cried myself to sleep and slept for about 9 hours. Now I'm awake it's still bothering me and I have to post this.
And after what happened to me earlier I could do with that feeling a little better...
I had a massive HOCD spike. My HOCD has been not bad of late. It was only bothering me every so often and would sort of panic me for about half an hour then wear off. Not today. Today it sprung on me in the most personal and private way possible. I'm not sure how much detail it is right to go into in a public site but suffice to say an image of a woman I had met at the party the other night popped into my head at a very disturbing moment.
It wasn't a sexual image really either. It was an image of a photo I had taken of her at the party since I was supposed to take pictures of everyone. I did think she was pretty on the night and that her dress looked nice and she seemed like a lovely person but it never bothered me at the time.
It just popped into my head earlier and I've been completely paranoid ever since. I now remember her mentioning her a couple of times to other people after the party but I think it was mostly about that it was a nice photo but I couldn't remembre who she was there with. And now I think that mentioning her so much must mean I fancy her. And her popping into my head at complletely the wrong moment must mean I fancy her. And now I must be a lesbian.
I panicked myself so much I cried myself to sleep and slept for about 9 hours. Now I'm awake it's still bothering me and I have to post this.
Friday, 1 March 2013
Day 51 - Under Pressure
I never thought somebody else's party would cause so much stress. I've spent all day stressing out over making cupcakes and chocolate lollipops.
My OCD has been going insane over all the prep I'm having to do for my Grandparents Anniversary party. I want it all to go well for them so I'm feeling really pressured to look right and to do well with the jobs I've been given. I've spent all day with my planning in overdrive.
Three batches of cupcakes; vanilla, raspberry and chocolate. all decorated with piped on icing, edible glitter, flowers and hearts. All the planning out and obsessing over the recipes and oven times and cupcake mix in each case and amount of icing and whether they all look equal.
Then there's planning out my preparation. Planned out to within a minute but everything has taken longer than I thought so it's nearly eleven at night and I'm just getting my nails done. I've planned out my outfit and makeup and jewellery and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow before the party starts. Everyone will be running around like headless chickens and I can't cope with chaos. And I have to do my Gran's nails when I've never done another person's nails and she is the star of the show.
Then there's my Fiance as well. His OCD is being set off by having to go to this party. He hates parties so I feel bad for making him go to it but I need him there to keep me sane.
So much stress all for a few hours tomorrow night... Wish me luck...
My OCD has been going insane over all the prep I'm having to do for my Grandparents Anniversary party. I want it all to go well for them so I'm feeling really pressured to look right and to do well with the jobs I've been given. I've spent all day with my planning in overdrive.
Three batches of cupcakes; vanilla, raspberry and chocolate. all decorated with piped on icing, edible glitter, flowers and hearts. All the planning out and obsessing over the recipes and oven times and cupcake mix in each case and amount of icing and whether they all look equal.
Then there's planning out my preparation. Planned out to within a minute but everything has taken longer than I thought so it's nearly eleven at night and I'm just getting my nails done. I've planned out my outfit and makeup and jewellery and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow before the party starts. Everyone will be running around like headless chickens and I can't cope with chaos. And I have to do my Gran's nails when I've never done another person's nails and she is the star of the show.
Then there's my Fiance as well. His OCD is being set off by having to go to this party. He hates parties so I feel bad for making him go to it but I need him there to keep me sane.
So much stress all for a few hours tomorrow night... Wish me luck...
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