Now, I was refusing to wade in on politics before people went to the polling stations, since I'm from the UK and I don't want to sound like I'm pushing a particular view. Although, I doubt my opinion would have counted for much.
Anyway, let's talk Trump. Now that America have him as a President what will it mean for mental health? For me, not a lot I'm a tourist if I'm there and all it means is more anxiety at Border Control (and that was stressful enough when I went in May this year). For Americans, it's a different story.
A report published by Market Watch, has certainly shown how much Trump/Pence have made people's mental health worse. Several Crisis and Suicide hotlines have seen significant increases in the number of calls they're recieving since as early as last Tuesday. This is being put down to people becoming increasingly concerned about how their rights will be affected under Trump's government.
This concern seems especially prevalant among the LGBT community, since Trump has been promising to overturn marriage equality laws in the states and Mike Pence has been called "one of the most anti-gay governors in the nation". Sexual Assault hotlines have also seen around a 33% rise in calls since a tape with Trump bragging about sexually assaulting a woman, surfaced in October.
These may be extreme examples but many people have also been speaking of their increased stress and anxiety since the election. People are worried about their futures under this new, and extreme, government. Post election depression always happens a little, the losing side is always dissapointed and a little deflated, it's understandable.
However, this level of anxiety isn't normal. This is genuine fear for what may become of the country. Calls by people in America hoping to make appointments with doctors and therapists has also risen exponentially since Wednesday.
But how will the Trump/Pence administration affect access to healthcare? Another reason for people rushing to their therapists now is because of one of Trump's key election proposals. To repeal the Affordable Care Act. Now, being from the UK, I don't understand why people would be against Obamacare. Why would people not want free healthcare for all? We have it here, it works fine, has been for around a century. I mean it would be better with more money obviously, but it gives everybody equal access to staying alive for longer. But apparently, Trump and the Republican voters hate the idea of funding healthcare. Trump's campaign threatened both Obamacare and Medicaid. These are both vital services to helping the disabled and supporting mental health in low-income citizens. Also, by repealing the Affordable Care Act, Trump is effectively rolling back civil rights for disabled people. We will go back to an America that is allowed to discriminate against people with pre-existing medical conditions.
I think the most shocking thing about all of this isn't that these plans exist, but that he actually believes that this is the right things to do, that anyone believes this is the right thing to do. Politicians say a lot of things to win votes, we all know that, we have to take everything they say with a bit of a pinch of salt but Trump and his supporters actually believe that autism is caused by vaccines and that people with mental health conditions all have the ability to start a mass shooting. Personally, I've never walked into my university and thought that I wanted to shoot everyone because I'm a "mentally ill sicko". I'm Obsessive Compulsive, I'd spend so long cleaning up that it wouldn't be worth it!
But in all seriousness, it's terrifying that he would rather lock up people with mental health conditions "just in case" than sanction gun control and reform that would insure safety from the occasional person who may be mentally ill that takes a gun to a school. Trump thinks that mental illness predicts violence and crime! Trump's views on mental health are outdated, uninformed and just plain ignorant. He said in an interview in October, that war veterans who suffer from mental health issues aren't "strong" and "just can't handle it". I mean really, who says things like that?
This is the only section of Trump's campaign website to mention mental healthcare:
"Finally, we need to reform our mental health programs and institutions
in this country. Families, without the ability to get the information
needed to help those who are ailing, are too often not given the tools
to help their loved ones. There are promising reforms being developed in
Congress that should receive bi-partisan support"
To me that just sounds like wanting to shift mental healthcare from healthcare professionals and onto friends and family. I mean, sure you should have support from the people around you, but it shouldn't be at the expense of having professional help as well.
I don't know how all of this will end, but soon-to-be President Trump, seems to have some scary views. All I can say to any Americans reading is, if you are experiencing anxiety or issues since the election seek help from everywhere possible, including on here and on forums, we're all here for you!
Also, don't be afraid to start reversing the immigration issues by escaping into Mexico! Quick, before the wall goes up!
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, 12 November 2016
Tuesday, 8 November 2016
I'm Baaaaaaaaaack!
Ok, I know I've been gone for a bit. A long bit. A good long while... Anyway, I'm back now.
I'm still living my life with OCD, although my medication keeps it a little more in perspective than I used to be. I look back through a lot of my old posts and realise how much earlier I maybe should have started taking them. I was very resistant to 'giving in' to taking medication. I wanted to be self-reliant and be able to 'fix' myself naturally.
Maybe, with the right treatment, I still could but that treatment is not available in the UK, where I'm from. Our healthcare system is good for a lot of things. However, they have no focus or real interest in healthcare. The NHS is dedicated to patching people up physically and sending them on their way. I was given about 12 weeks of treatment and then told I wasn't trying hard enough and that's why I wasn't getting better. This was despite me repeatedly trying to tell them that the angle they were taking wasn't working, and requesting they change tack (like they had told me they would).
With this attitude to my mental health, and knowing that I am genetically prone to OCD, anxiety, depression and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), I made the difficult decision to start taking pills. And now, nearly three years later, I'm still on one pill of Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac) a day.
I wish I could tell people that I was cured, but what I can say is that I'm back on track. I'm at university now and trying to get a good start on my career. But I have to do that with medication as a crutch.
More to come soon...
I'm still living my life with OCD, although my medication keeps it a little more in perspective than I used to be. I look back through a lot of my old posts and realise how much earlier I maybe should have started taking them. I was very resistant to 'giving in' to taking medication. I wanted to be self-reliant and be able to 'fix' myself naturally.
Maybe, with the right treatment, I still could but that treatment is not available in the UK, where I'm from. Our healthcare system is good for a lot of things. However, they have no focus or real interest in healthcare. The NHS is dedicated to patching people up physically and sending them on their way. I was given about 12 weeks of treatment and then told I wasn't trying hard enough and that's why I wasn't getting better. This was despite me repeatedly trying to tell them that the angle they were taking wasn't working, and requesting they change tack (like they had told me they would).
With this attitude to my mental health, and knowing that I am genetically prone to OCD, anxiety, depression and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), I made the difficult decision to start taking pills. And now, nearly three years later, I'm still on one pill of Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac) a day.
I wish I could tell people that I was cured, but what I can say is that I'm back on track. I'm at university now and trying to get a good start on my career. But I have to do that with medication as a crutch.
More to come soon...
Friday, 3 May 2013
Day 112 - CBT week 9
First off, sorry I haven't been online really lately. I have been physically ill and then a complete stressed out mess.
I have been organising an event and I feel totally overwhelmed. It was supposed to be experience that I was allowed to give parts of to other people if I became stressed but I couldn't. It really set off my OCD because I felt totally out of my depth and that I'd taken on too much so early on in starting treatment. It threw my right back to square one but then after worrying about that I'd worry that this was it. I'd feel guilty like I'd been lying to people I was ill and that I should just stop and get on with life like this.
I've been feeling hopeless and worthless and depressed and I can't shake any of the feelings that this is just who I am. I'm really scared that I have to be like this forever and that I don't really have OCD at all.
So my CBT has been set right back to keeping a diary of all my panics and obsessions and making lists of all the compulsive things I do and when. So they can see were the patterns and trends are. I was told to find an app that I could log stuff in though so I now have this free one "Cognitive Diary CBT Self-help"
It's quite good. I mean I imagine ones that charge are better but for a free one it's good. it allows you to log what triggered the thought, what feelings you had, what thoughts you had, how much you are convinced by them and how intense it all was. Then after that, u pick challenge statements and say how much u believe those and there is a space for comments. I wouldn't like to be using it alone to try and get better but it keeps a good log of your OCD.
I have been organising an event and I feel totally overwhelmed. It was supposed to be experience that I was allowed to give parts of to other people if I became stressed but I couldn't. It really set off my OCD because I felt totally out of my depth and that I'd taken on too much so early on in starting treatment. It threw my right back to square one but then after worrying about that I'd worry that this was it. I'd feel guilty like I'd been lying to people I was ill and that I should just stop and get on with life like this.
I've been feeling hopeless and worthless and depressed and I can't shake any of the feelings that this is just who I am. I'm really scared that I have to be like this forever and that I don't really have OCD at all.
So my CBT has been set right back to keeping a diary of all my panics and obsessions and making lists of all the compulsive things I do and when. So they can see were the patterns and trends are. I was told to find an app that I could log stuff in though so I now have this free one "Cognitive Diary CBT Self-help"
It's quite good. I mean I imagine ones that charge are better but for a free one it's good. it allows you to log what triggered the thought, what feelings you had, what thoughts you had, how much you are convinced by them and how intense it all was. Then after that, u pick challenge statements and say how much u believe those and there is a space for comments. I wouldn't like to be using it alone to try and get better but it keeps a good log of your OCD.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Day 97 - OCD getting in the way of enjoyment
Now this whole thing may seem a little bit silly to some people but it really bothers me.
When I'm stressed or having a bad day then my OCD shoots sky high and I find it very difficult to do certain things that normally calm my mind and I find enjoyable. In particular, TV and music are ruined for me till I feel better.
Music has been ruined for me for years now. I took music at school and while they were teaching us to analyse music they didn't realise that my OCD would just take it and run. I started noticing all sorts of techniques in music; all kinds of music too, from classical to pop. Now it's progressed to noticing all the similarities between different pieces by the same composer. This is mostly with movies soundtracks though; but I listen to a lot of those. For example, Danny Elfman composes a lot for Tim Burton films but he also did "Oz: The Great and Powerful". His "Oz" soundtrack is really similar to his "Alice in Wonderland" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" ones. However, the one that really annoys me is John Williams. He may be one of the most famous ones but they all sound the same at bits. "Harry Potter", "Star Wars", "Indiana Jones", "Superman", "E.T."... just a few of his films.
I'm aware that just sounds like nitpicking and a pet hate but it really really bothers my OCD. I don't know if it counts as an obsession but it annoys me to my core.
TV can be upset by OCD as well though. In the case of TV every kind of continuity issue sends me into a raging anger. Not just annoying but it really bothers me for ages. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it. Like last week I was watching "The Borgias" and the Pope says he only has one son now... Now that played on my nerves for days. In series 1 there are three sons- Cesare, Juan, Joffre. Now Joffre gets married off and goes off with his wife in Series 1, Juan dies in series 2 but as far as I'm concerned even if Joffre hasn't appeared for 2 series he's still the Pope's son... he doesn't just disappear...
I suppose what I'm really saying with all this ranting is that even if your not obsessing about any of the more common things or having a specific obsession, you can still be bothered by OCD. It can still spring on you and the thoughts that OCD gives you can stay for hours and hours, maybe even days. The thoughts, while not a long lasting obsession usually, are still caused by OCD and still cause extreme anxiety. It's the feeling of not being able to shake the thought at all that is the really disturbing thing. Because I know people who don't have OCD just have this as a fleeting thoughtand yet it can take up great big chunks of my day and stop me focussing on anything else.
When I'm stressed or having a bad day then my OCD shoots sky high and I find it very difficult to do certain things that normally calm my mind and I find enjoyable. In particular, TV and music are ruined for me till I feel better.
Music has been ruined for me for years now. I took music at school and while they were teaching us to analyse music they didn't realise that my OCD would just take it and run. I started noticing all sorts of techniques in music; all kinds of music too, from classical to pop. Now it's progressed to noticing all the similarities between different pieces by the same composer. This is mostly with movies soundtracks though; but I listen to a lot of those. For example, Danny Elfman composes a lot for Tim Burton films but he also did "Oz: The Great and Powerful". His "Oz" soundtrack is really similar to his "Alice in Wonderland" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" ones. However, the one that really annoys me is John Williams. He may be one of the most famous ones but they all sound the same at bits. "Harry Potter", "Star Wars", "Indiana Jones", "Superman", "E.T."... just a few of his films.
I'm aware that just sounds like nitpicking and a pet hate but it really really bothers my OCD. I don't know if it counts as an obsession but it annoys me to my core.
TV can be upset by OCD as well though. In the case of TV every kind of continuity issue sends me into a raging anger. Not just annoying but it really bothers me for ages. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it. Like last week I was watching "The Borgias" and the Pope says he only has one son now... Now that played on my nerves for days. In series 1 there are three sons- Cesare, Juan, Joffre. Now Joffre gets married off and goes off with his wife in Series 1, Juan dies in series 2 but as far as I'm concerned even if Joffre hasn't appeared for 2 series he's still the Pope's son... he doesn't just disappear...
I suppose what I'm really saying with all this ranting is that even if your not obsessing about any of the more common things or having a specific obsession, you can still be bothered by OCD. It can still spring on you and the thoughts that OCD gives you can stay for hours and hours, maybe even days. The thoughts, while not a long lasting obsession usually, are still caused by OCD and still cause extreme anxiety. It's the feeling of not being able to shake the thought at all that is the really disturbing thing. Because I know people who don't have OCD just have this as a fleeting thoughtand yet it can take up great big chunks of my day and stop me focussing on anything else.
Friday, 12 April 2013
Helpful Reassurance
Yesterday at CBT I was given a sheet of paper. On it were a list of sentences and short paragraphs that I am able to read every time I panic. They are statements of "Helpful Reassurance".
Every time I panic, instead of going online and checking or asking other people to tell me I'm fine and list all the reasons why, I am supposed to read this sheet. The idea is to replace all my unhealthy compulsions with healthier phrases I can use.
So I thought I would type them up on here for other people to do the same. It's hard work but my psychologist is hopeful this technique will ease my anxiety no end.
1. These thoughts are generated at random.
2. They are meaningless in terms of having them does not increase the chance of the event or action happening.
3. Intrusive thoughts do not say anything about us as people. They do not reflect our secret wishes or desires.
4. The amount of anxiety caused by a thought does not increase the likelihood that it is true. A thought can cause us a great deal of emotional distress without their beig the slightest chance of it being true.
5. No matter how awful the consequences of something would be , the severity of the consequence is completely separate from th chances of the event occuring. For example, thoughts of taking a fatal overdoes while sleeping may be thinking about an awful consequence and may cause you to feel anxiety but neither of these factors increases the chance of you carrying out the action.
6. No matter how frequently you experience a thought it does not increase the chances of it being true. Trying to supress a thought, additional stimulus in the environment becoming triggers for thoughts through association and general stress can all increase the frequency of the thought. None of these things increase the chance of the event happening.
7. Your aim is not to not have these thoughts. Trying not to have a thought is impossible and made more difficult by trying to supress it. Your aim is to be able to have these thoughts and recognise them for what they are; intrusive thoughts. You do not have to do anything about them and they are meaningless.
I hope these help some of you.
Every time I panic, instead of going online and checking or asking other people to tell me I'm fine and list all the reasons why, I am supposed to read this sheet. The idea is to replace all my unhealthy compulsions with healthier phrases I can use.
So I thought I would type them up on here for other people to do the same. It's hard work but my psychologist is hopeful this technique will ease my anxiety no end.
1. These thoughts are generated at random.
2. They are meaningless in terms of having them does not increase the chance of the event or action happening.
3. Intrusive thoughts do not say anything about us as people. They do not reflect our secret wishes or desires.
4. The amount of anxiety caused by a thought does not increase the likelihood that it is true. A thought can cause us a great deal of emotional distress without their beig the slightest chance of it being true.
5. No matter how awful the consequences of something would be , the severity of the consequence is completely separate from th chances of the event occuring. For example, thoughts of taking a fatal overdoes while sleeping may be thinking about an awful consequence and may cause you to feel anxiety but neither of these factors increases the chance of you carrying out the action.
6. No matter how frequently you experience a thought it does not increase the chances of it being true. Trying to supress a thought, additional stimulus in the environment becoming triggers for thoughts through association and general stress can all increase the frequency of the thought. None of these things increase the chance of the event happening.
7. Your aim is not to not have these thoughts. Trying not to have a thought is impossible and made more difficult by trying to supress it. Your aim is to be able to have these thoughts and recognise them for what they are; intrusive thoughts. You do not have to do anything about them and they are meaningless.
I hope these help some of you.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Day 84 - CBT week 5
Well yesterday I went back to my CBT session. I only managed to do my reordering exercise once but thankfully they are always very understanding that I might not be up to it all the time.
Over this weekend I just have to leave the DVDs out of order. No more changing them up just now but I have to wait till it doesn't feel totally wrong before I can order them again. I also have to keep a Thought Diary so my psychologist can see if there are any correlations in my worrying and stressful thoughts compared with each other or what I'm doing at the time. She only gave to a sheet with 8 spaces though. I think she underestimates how much my mind goes into overdrive. Although I'm finding it difficult to decide what gets put on the chart and what doesn't.
Next week I have to go twice because apparently it is more effective if the sessions are closer together. Also during my last session my psychologist touched something sticky she'd put on the table and moved it all about the room even behind me. It took ages for me to calm down but next week they are making me touch it and keep it on my hands for five minutes... I can't even imagine what that will be like. I get really anxious and stressed just thinking about it.
Sort of dreading Monday now...
Over this weekend I just have to leave the DVDs out of order. No more changing them up just now but I have to wait till it doesn't feel totally wrong before I can order them again. I also have to keep a Thought Diary so my psychologist can see if there are any correlations in my worrying and stressful thoughts compared with each other or what I'm doing at the time. She only gave to a sheet with 8 spaces though. I think she underestimates how much my mind goes into overdrive. Although I'm finding it difficult to decide what gets put on the chart and what doesn't.
Next week I have to go twice because apparently it is more effective if the sessions are closer together. Also during my last session my psychologist touched something sticky she'd put on the table and moved it all about the room even behind me. It took ages for me to calm down but next week they are making me touch it and keep it on my hands for five minutes... I can't even imagine what that will be like. I get really anxious and stressed just thinking about it.
Sort of dreading Monday now...
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Day 79 - CBT anxiety
I thought I had anxiety before. It was nothing compared to what I have now. The stress from having all these things to do is setting off every obsession that I have.
Today alone I have so many different panics. First thing I thought I was going blind, then I was having a heart attack, then I was having a migraine, then I was going bald, then I was too fat, then I wanted to comfort eat, then I was being poisoned by a jaggy thing stuck in my leggings, then I was having a stroke, then all my teeth were going to fall out, then my ROCD set off, then my HOCD set off, then I was back to my teeth falling out...
All that was today... just today... and I was supposed to be rearranging my DVDs for my CBT exercises today. Every time I think about doing it I distract myself with something else. I have done nothing but stress myself out and I feel like s**t but I don't know how to actually calm down. I keep checking things.
I keep licking all my teeth to make sure they all feel ok and that none of themhurt of move. Then I keep thinking things feel wrong and having to keep doing it. I'll end up eroding them away with all the licking at this rate. And I keep feeling my scalp for bald patches and running my fingers through my hair to make sure not too many strands come out. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I couldn't feel worse today. Worst day in a while...
Today alone I have so many different panics. First thing I thought I was going blind, then I was having a heart attack, then I was having a migraine, then I was going bald, then I was too fat, then I wanted to comfort eat, then I was being poisoned by a jaggy thing stuck in my leggings, then I was having a stroke, then all my teeth were going to fall out, then my ROCD set off, then my HOCD set off, then I was back to my teeth falling out...
All that was today... just today... and I was supposed to be rearranging my DVDs for my CBT exercises today. Every time I think about doing it I distract myself with something else. I have done nothing but stress myself out and I feel like s**t but I don't know how to actually calm down. I keep checking things.
I keep licking all my teeth to make sure they all feel ok and that none of themhurt of move. Then I keep thinking things feel wrong and having to keep doing it. I'll end up eroding them away with all the licking at this rate. And I keep feeling my scalp for bald patches and running my fingers through my hair to make sure not too many strands come out. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I couldn't feel worse today. Worst day in a while...
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Day 76 - CBT week 4
This last week has been very stressful really. I've had a lot of different stresses with benefits appeals and my ROCD has been really bad.
I've spent all week picking faults and arguments with my fiance. Then I kept worrying he was going to get bored of me and my moods and leave me. I've been really struggling with it and because I've been feeling so bad I kept putting off my CBT exercises.
I was supposed to rearrange my coloured pencils and my DVD's over the weekend. I only managed to rearrange my DVDs and it was really difficult to keep going. I immediately felt anxious and wanted to move them back around. Even when I wasn't looking at them I kept wanting to stare at them and it all FELT wrong. I managed to leave them the wrong way round though. That was 2 days ago and they're stillthe wrong way round and even though I feel less anxious there is still a niggling feeling that I need to move them back around. If I think about it at all it still feels wrong.
Also, I did my first in session exercise. My psychologist spread jam on the coffee table next to my chair and made me sit next to it. I got very tense and edgy and kept staring at it all the time. Even when I was talking to her about other things I kept looking at it or wanting tolook at it. It was like I needed to keep an eye on it at all times. Not that I really thought it would move but like if I wasn't vigilent enough part of me or my bag or something might touch it. I wasn't even happy being near the table. It took a good 40 minutes or so to even get my anxiety to start to drop and even when I left the session I still felt a little tense.
I have to repeat the DVD rearranging exercise three times over the next week. The more I practice the easier it'll get.
I've spent all week picking faults and arguments with my fiance. Then I kept worrying he was going to get bored of me and my moods and leave me. I've been really struggling with it and because I've been feeling so bad I kept putting off my CBT exercises.
I was supposed to rearrange my coloured pencils and my DVD's over the weekend. I only managed to rearrange my DVDs and it was really difficult to keep going. I immediately felt anxious and wanted to move them back around. Even when I wasn't looking at them I kept wanting to stare at them and it all FELT wrong. I managed to leave them the wrong way round though. That was 2 days ago and they're stillthe wrong way round and even though I feel less anxious there is still a niggling feeling that I need to move them back around. If I think about it at all it still feels wrong.
Also, I did my first in session exercise. My psychologist spread jam on the coffee table next to my chair and made me sit next to it. I got very tense and edgy and kept staring at it all the time. Even when I was talking to her about other things I kept looking at it or wanting tolook at it. It was like I needed to keep an eye on it at all times. Not that I really thought it would move but like if I wasn't vigilent enough part of me or my bag or something might touch it. I wasn't even happy being near the table. It took a good 40 minutes or so to even get my anxiety to start to drop and even when I left the session I still felt a little tense.
I have to repeat the DVD rearranging exercise three times over the next week. The more I practice the easier it'll get.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Day 71 - CBT week 3
Right this week is my first week of having actual tasks to do for my CBT.
I have to try rearranging a few of my perfectly ordered DVDs and leaving them like that till my anxiety goes down. I'm not holding out much hope for that one. I've been ordering things since I was a child. I can hardly last any time at all before I need to move them back. But I'm willing to give it a shot.
She's starting my treatment from the least scary obsession up to the most. So my illness and relationship worries are going to take a while to get to. At least it is all moving forward now though. Not just sitting and waiting anymore.
I've had some really bad panics this week though. I got all panicky that there was something wrong with my eye, my brain and a few times I panicked over my relationship. Basically it's been all go. Not really being able to settle even when I'm not having a panic attack because I have to sort out my benefits appeal which is completely stressing me out. I don't know how to word the letter I need to write or anything and especially what I'll do if it doesn't get passed. I'm entitled to it but it could take till I'm better to get the money... maybe that's why my OCD is worse this week...because I have other stresses as well.
Oh well another day...
I have to try rearranging a few of my perfectly ordered DVDs and leaving them like that till my anxiety goes down. I'm not holding out much hope for that one. I've been ordering things since I was a child. I can hardly last any time at all before I need to move them back. But I'm willing to give it a shot.
She's starting my treatment from the least scary obsession up to the most. So my illness and relationship worries are going to take a while to get to. At least it is all moving forward now though. Not just sitting and waiting anymore.
I've had some really bad panics this week though. I got all panicky that there was something wrong with my eye, my brain and a few times I panicked over my relationship. Basically it's been all go. Not really being able to settle even when I'm not having a panic attack because I have to sort out my benefits appeal which is completely stressing me out. I don't know how to word the letter I need to write or anything and especially what I'll do if it doesn't get passed. I'm entitled to it but it could take till I'm better to get the money... maybe that's why my OCD is worse this week...because I have other stresses as well.
Oh well another day...
Saturday, 16 March 2013
Day 66 - OCD Panic
I know I haven't posted in a few days but I have been so down and depressed that I didn't feel able to type anything.
I feel a little better today but I'm still really tetchy and on edge. I felt really good after my psychologists appointment on Wednesday. I was all hopeful and happy about how they were planning to treat me. I mean, I know it'll be hard but I'm glad they're going to take it slow and steady with me and make sure I'm happy with it and not just throw it all at me.
Then, the next day I got into an argument with my fiance and I've been completely depressed and ROCD since. I can't shake it at all. I feel useless and worthless and like I should sit in a room all alone till I die.
I've had this kind of thing before. Like I fall off a precipice with my OCD and suddenly I feel totally socially unacceptable. I feel like I'm not able to speak to anyone outside of my family. Like everything is wrong and I can't bear it.
I've been feeling totally overwhelmed, embarassed by everything, touchy and argumentative. And I feel like I don't deserve a relationship. Like I should be left all alone forever and it would serve me right for being such a terrible person.
And this is how I feel now I feel a bit BETTER. But at least I do feel a bit better. Tomorrow might be better still.
I feel a little better today but I'm still really tetchy and on edge. I felt really good after my psychologists appointment on Wednesday. I was all hopeful and happy about how they were planning to treat me. I mean, I know it'll be hard but I'm glad they're going to take it slow and steady with me and make sure I'm happy with it and not just throw it all at me.
Then, the next day I got into an argument with my fiance and I've been completely depressed and ROCD since. I can't shake it at all. I feel useless and worthless and like I should sit in a room all alone till I die.
I've had this kind of thing before. Like I fall off a precipice with my OCD and suddenly I feel totally socially unacceptable. I feel like I'm not able to speak to anyone outside of my family. Like everything is wrong and I can't bear it.
I've been feeling totally overwhelmed, embarassed by everything, touchy and argumentative. And I feel like I don't deserve a relationship. Like I should be left all alone forever and it would serve me right for being such a terrible person.
And this is how I feel now I feel a bit BETTER. But at least I do feel a bit better. Tomorrow might be better still.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Day 63 - CBT Week 2
Sorry I haven't been posting as much this week as I usually do. Maybe it's a good thing. People don't have me cluttering up their feeds. I've just been too caught up and depressed over my CBT.
It's really hard to stick to. Especially since it just makes u feel worse to start with. I'm that awful kind of OCD sufferer who backs off and gives up as soon as anything is difficult. But I've stuck with it at least. I resisted the urge to test my symptoms and Google them when I was worried about migraines or any other kind of weird feelings I got.
I felt awful. The anxiety went through the roof and stayed there for far longer than usual. It only went down after a few hours of rocking back and forth and crying and hyperventilating and panicking.
I went back to the psychologists today though and she said she was very proud of me for giving it a go at least. Next week I've got to write a list of my obsessions in order of least to most scary so they can cater my treatment. So that shouldn't be too hard...
It's really hard to stick to. Especially since it just makes u feel worse to start with. I'm that awful kind of OCD sufferer who backs off and gives up as soon as anything is difficult. But I've stuck with it at least. I resisted the urge to test my symptoms and Google them when I was worried about migraines or any other kind of weird feelings I got.
I felt awful. The anxiety went through the roof and stayed there for far longer than usual. It only went down after a few hours of rocking back and forth and crying and hyperventilating and panicking.
I went back to the psychologists today though and she said she was very proud of me for giving it a go at least. Next week I've got to write a list of my obsessions in order of least to most scary so they can cater my treatment. So that shouldn't be too hard...
Saturday, 9 March 2013
Day 59 - CBT Issues
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is proved to be the most effective treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
It surrounds the reprogramming of the mind. So you force yourself to not carry out compulsions till you stop feeling anxious about it. So far I'm not keen on it.
I did only start on Wednesday but I feel like nothing is happening. I feel no better my anxiety is still just shifting around inside my head. Like they are targeting one obsession at a time but the one thing they are focussing on this week isn't being an issue for me this week. Everything else is.
I feel like they are shoehorning me into a specific path. I'll see how it carries on though. Maybe it will feel more worthwhile in time. Just now though I feel like nothing is going on and they're basically telling me to suck it up and carry on anyway. They aren't really giving me support.
Oh well...
It surrounds the reprogramming of the mind. So you force yourself to not carry out compulsions till you stop feeling anxious about it. So far I'm not keen on it.
I did only start on Wednesday but I feel like nothing is happening. I feel no better my anxiety is still just shifting around inside my head. Like they are targeting one obsession at a time but the one thing they are focussing on this week isn't being an issue for me this week. Everything else is.
I feel like they are shoehorning me into a specific path. I'll see how it carries on though. Maybe it will feel more worthwhile in time. Just now though I feel like nothing is going on and they're basically telling me to suck it up and carry on anyway. They aren't really giving me support.
Oh well...
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Day 56 - CBT Week 1
Today I got my first actual session of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
First off, I had a migraine so I felt awful for the whole thing and a little out of it. I also tend to get a severe case of verbal diarrhea for the whole hour. My poor CAAP (Clinical Associate in Applied Psychology) didn't get a chance to try her relaxation techniques with me. She had to shove that back to next week.
However, I got given my first piece of CBT homework. All this week I have to not check my migraines. I assume they meant any of my health panics though since I don't get migraines all the time. But I'm not allowed to google my symptoms, seek reassurance off others or give myself physical checks. I just have to sit there and deal with it.
They also told me to come to my next appointment by myself which is going to be more difficult than it sounds. I don't really have a problem going on buses alone as long as I have my ipod to keep my mind occupied and my psychologist didn't actually say to stop that. But whatever, I'd do what they said if it kept them happy. They'll stop my treatment if I don't. My main issue is that I'm going there on the way to my Fiance's. So he is going to be there so he can go home.
I wonder if they'll accept that as a reason or if they'll tell me off? It's not like I asked anyone to come with me. He came round at the last minute. When I made the appointment I told mum she didn't have to come with me next week and stuff. I suppose for all the stuff they are making me do that is a fairly minor worry though. Maybe it just hasn't all sunk in yet. I suppose we'll see as soon as I find a health obsession to stress over.
First off, I had a migraine so I felt awful for the whole thing and a little out of it. I also tend to get a severe case of verbal diarrhea for the whole hour. My poor CAAP (Clinical Associate in Applied Psychology) didn't get a chance to try her relaxation techniques with me. She had to shove that back to next week.
However, I got given my first piece of CBT homework. All this week I have to not check my migraines. I assume they meant any of my health panics though since I don't get migraines all the time. But I'm not allowed to google my symptoms, seek reassurance off others or give myself physical checks. I just have to sit there and deal with it.
They also told me to come to my next appointment by myself which is going to be more difficult than it sounds. I don't really have a problem going on buses alone as long as I have my ipod to keep my mind occupied and my psychologist didn't actually say to stop that. But whatever, I'd do what they said if it kept them happy. They'll stop my treatment if I don't. My main issue is that I'm going there on the way to my Fiance's. So he is going to be there so he can go home.
I wonder if they'll accept that as a reason or if they'll tell me off? It's not like I asked anyone to come with me. He came round at the last minute. When I made the appointment I told mum she didn't have to come with me next week and stuff. I suppose for all the stuff they are making me do that is a fairly minor worry though. Maybe it just hasn't all sunk in yet. I suppose we'll see as soon as I find a health obsession to stress over.
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Day 54 - New Spikes
Well I've decided to keep on here to vent. Even if I am just a moan at least I feel a bit better afterwards.
And after what happened to me earlier I could do with that feeling a little better...
I had a massive HOCD spike. My HOCD has been not bad of late. It was only bothering me every so often and would sort of panic me for about half an hour then wear off. Not today. Today it sprung on me in the most personal and private way possible. I'm not sure how much detail it is right to go into in a public site but suffice to say an image of a woman I had met at the party the other night popped into my head at a very disturbing moment.
It wasn't a sexual image really either. It was an image of a photo I had taken of her at the party since I was supposed to take pictures of everyone. I did think she was pretty on the night and that her dress looked nice and she seemed like a lovely person but it never bothered me at the time.
It just popped into my head earlier and I've been completely paranoid ever since. I now remember her mentioning her a couple of times to other people after the party but I think it was mostly about that it was a nice photo but I couldn't remembre who she was there with. And now I think that mentioning her so much must mean I fancy her. And her popping into my head at complletely the wrong moment must mean I fancy her. And now I must be a lesbian.
I panicked myself so much I cried myself to sleep and slept for about 9 hours. Now I'm awake it's still bothering me and I have to post this.
And after what happened to me earlier I could do with that feeling a little better...
I had a massive HOCD spike. My HOCD has been not bad of late. It was only bothering me every so often and would sort of panic me for about half an hour then wear off. Not today. Today it sprung on me in the most personal and private way possible. I'm not sure how much detail it is right to go into in a public site but suffice to say an image of a woman I had met at the party the other night popped into my head at a very disturbing moment.
It wasn't a sexual image really either. It was an image of a photo I had taken of her at the party since I was supposed to take pictures of everyone. I did think she was pretty on the night and that her dress looked nice and she seemed like a lovely person but it never bothered me at the time.
It just popped into my head earlier and I've been completely paranoid ever since. I now remember her mentioning her a couple of times to other people after the party but I think it was mostly about that it was a nice photo but I couldn't remembre who she was there with. And now I think that mentioning her so much must mean I fancy her. And her popping into my head at complletely the wrong moment must mean I fancy her. And now I must be a lesbian.
I panicked myself so much I cried myself to sleep and slept for about 9 hours. Now I'm awake it's still bothering me and I have to post this.
Friday, 1 March 2013
Day 51 - Under Pressure
I never thought somebody else's party would cause so much stress. I've spent all day stressing out over making cupcakes and chocolate lollipops.
My OCD has been going insane over all the prep I'm having to do for my Grandparents Anniversary party. I want it all to go well for them so I'm feeling really pressured to look right and to do well with the jobs I've been given. I've spent all day with my planning in overdrive.
Three batches of cupcakes; vanilla, raspberry and chocolate. all decorated with piped on icing, edible glitter, flowers and hearts. All the planning out and obsessing over the recipes and oven times and cupcake mix in each case and amount of icing and whether they all look equal.
Then there's planning out my preparation. Planned out to within a minute but everything has taken longer than I thought so it's nearly eleven at night and I'm just getting my nails done. I've planned out my outfit and makeup and jewellery and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow before the party starts. Everyone will be running around like headless chickens and I can't cope with chaos. And I have to do my Gran's nails when I've never done another person's nails and she is the star of the show.
Then there's my Fiance as well. His OCD is being set off by having to go to this party. He hates parties so I feel bad for making him go to it but I need him there to keep me sane.
So much stress all for a few hours tomorrow night... Wish me luck...
My OCD has been going insane over all the prep I'm having to do for my Grandparents Anniversary party. I want it all to go well for them so I'm feeling really pressured to look right and to do well with the jobs I've been given. I've spent all day with my planning in overdrive.
Three batches of cupcakes; vanilla, raspberry and chocolate. all decorated with piped on icing, edible glitter, flowers and hearts. All the planning out and obsessing over the recipes and oven times and cupcake mix in each case and amount of icing and whether they all look equal.
Then there's planning out my preparation. Planned out to within a minute but everything has taken longer than I thought so it's nearly eleven at night and I'm just getting my nails done. I've planned out my outfit and makeup and jewellery and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow before the party starts. Everyone will be running around like headless chickens and I can't cope with chaos. And I have to do my Gran's nails when I've never done another person's nails and she is the star of the show.
Then there's my Fiance as well. His OCD is being set off by having to go to this party. He hates parties so I feel bad for making him go to it but I need him there to keep me sane.
So much stress all for a few hours tomorrow night... Wish me luck...
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Day 49 - Contamination OCD
Contamination Obsessions are one of, if not the most, common type of obsession. They centre around the idea that touching something or being near something could in some way contaminate you.
I get this one a lot. It was my first major obsession as far as I can remember. I first got it when I was about 7. My class at school were doing an experiment on germ growth by rubbing our hands on bread and leaving it for a few days. When mould grew on it they told us that the germs on our hands had caused the mould to grow. This set me off for the first time in my little life. I was sure that there were millions of dangerous germs on my hands that were going to kill me and I washed and washed my hands till my skin peeled off and I had to be taken to a doctor for all sorts of steroid and hydrocortizone creams.
Usually for me though this is the obsession that gets set off when I have stress but no other major obsession. It seems to be the first place my OCD runs to when it is feeling a little aimless. Recently, I've been getting it more and more because my obsessions change so frequently but my stress level doesn't. So in between major panics there is this constant cycle of everything I touch means I need to wash my hands.
Touch the dog... wash my hands. Touch a damp surface... wash my hands. Touch food... wash my hands. Wash dishes... wash my hands. Put clothes in the washing machine... wash my hands. Shower... wash my hands.
My skin is getting so dry and cracked and it doesn't even make my OCD feel very reassured. It is almost totally ungratifying. The other day I got pen on my hands and then couldn't settle till I had washed my hands. It's getting just silly.
I get this one a lot. It was my first major obsession as far as I can remember. I first got it when I was about 7. My class at school were doing an experiment on germ growth by rubbing our hands on bread and leaving it for a few days. When mould grew on it they told us that the germs on our hands had caused the mould to grow. This set me off for the first time in my little life. I was sure that there were millions of dangerous germs on my hands that were going to kill me and I washed and washed my hands till my skin peeled off and I had to be taken to a doctor for all sorts of steroid and hydrocortizone creams.
Usually for me though this is the obsession that gets set off when I have stress but no other major obsession. It seems to be the first place my OCD runs to when it is feeling a little aimless. Recently, I've been getting it more and more because my obsessions change so frequently but my stress level doesn't. So in between major panics there is this constant cycle of everything I touch means I need to wash my hands.
Touch the dog... wash my hands. Touch a damp surface... wash my hands. Touch food... wash my hands. Wash dishes... wash my hands. Put clothes in the washing machine... wash my hands. Shower... wash my hands.
My skin is getting so dry and cracked and it doesn't even make my OCD feel very reassured. It is almost totally ungratifying. The other day I got pen on my hands and then couldn't settle till I had washed my hands. It's getting just silly.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Day 46 - Patterns and Planning
My OCD circles this sort of thing a lot. It's compulsive. If I am stressed or anxious then my first port of call to calm down my obsessional and intrusive thoughts is to act on compulsions.
My main compulsion is planning. I plan everything. It's like I don't sound right unless I plan out everything I need to do and carry it out perfectly as planned. I can't handle changes in plan at all. If I'm supposed to go to the zoo with my mum and it rains then I can be in a panicked strop all day. As soon as I can't do something I planned then it is the only thing in the world that matters and I'll do anything to get my own way with it. Because if I don't then I can't do anything. The panic overcomes me with relative ease. I can get nasty and childish and devious and stubborn. Anything that will get me what my OCD needs. Anything to carry on as I planned.
Not only do I plan things out meticulously, I also have to repeat the mental To Do List over and over and over in my head. I can't let it slip my mind for one second in case I forget something that I had planned. If I think of anything else I start to feel edgy and panic almost immediately. And if I forget something I have a meltdown.
Sometimes the compulsions can be harder than the obsessions.
My main compulsion is planning. I plan everything. It's like I don't sound right unless I plan out everything I need to do and carry it out perfectly as planned. I can't handle changes in plan at all. If I'm supposed to go to the zoo with my mum and it rains then I can be in a panicked strop all day. As soon as I can't do something I planned then it is the only thing in the world that matters and I'll do anything to get my own way with it. Because if I don't then I can't do anything. The panic overcomes me with relative ease. I can get nasty and childish and devious and stubborn. Anything that will get me what my OCD needs. Anything to carry on as I planned.
Not only do I plan things out meticulously, I also have to repeat the mental To Do List over and over and over in my head. I can't let it slip my mind for one second in case I forget something that I had planned. If I think of anything else I start to feel edgy and panic almost immediately. And if I forget something I have a meltdown.
Sometimes the compulsions can be harder than the obsessions.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Day 45 - Mental Safe Places
Every time I am really stressed and OCD - and by that I mean when I get the feeling where it would be a relief to go die in a corner somewhere - I go to the mental safe place. It is a sort of coping mechanism for whenever it all gets too much.
Everyone has one. It is doing something or being somewhere that makes u feel safe and secure and like nothing can touch you. Some people stay in their homes, bedrooms or beds. I am less likely to lock myself away in a darkened room and more likely to blare music so loud that my brain finds it impossible to think about anything but the music.
Anything loud and dramatic is usually the way to go. Nothing cheery or light. Sometimes dance music because the heavy beats and bass line drown out thoughts quite easily. Like right at this moment I have Ricky Martin on singing "Sexy and I know It" from Glee. Just because the beat is heavy and I like his voice enough to think about that rather than my panic attack.
I just shut my eyes and listen to the music. I can pretend that nothing else exists if it's loud enough. I do this on buses all the time because I find travelling alone really stressful and I need a safe spot even if it is only inside my head.
Everyone has one. It is doing something or being somewhere that makes u feel safe and secure and like nothing can touch you. Some people stay in their homes, bedrooms or beds. I am less likely to lock myself away in a darkened room and more likely to blare music so loud that my brain finds it impossible to think about anything but the music.
Anything loud and dramatic is usually the way to go. Nothing cheery or light. Sometimes dance music because the heavy beats and bass line drown out thoughts quite easily. Like right at this moment I have Ricky Martin on singing "Sexy and I know It" from Glee. Just because the beat is heavy and I like his voice enough to think about that rather than my panic attack.
I just shut my eyes and listen to the music. I can pretend that nothing else exists if it's loud enough. I do this on buses all the time because I find travelling alone really stressful and I need a safe spot even if it is only inside my head.
Friday, 22 February 2013
Day 43 - Intrusive thoughts.
One of the main symptoms of OCD is intrusive thoughts. It's one of the diagnosis categories that psychiatrists look for when diagnosing your OCD.
Intrusive thoughts can come in many different forms and are basically when your brain forces something through your brain that you don't want. That isn't really brought on by anything in the room or any outside triggers. They are very distressing and cause endless amounts of anxiety to the people experiencing them.
I have been having them all day. I get a couple of different kinds and today has been a bad day where I get a lot of both kinds. Some of them are like horror movies in my head. Earlier I was on the bus home from town listening to my iPod and then this thought just popped into my head. "What if someone comes up here and tries to stab you? You could kick or push him out the way but you are slow and fat and you'll be scared. He'll just stab you in the back when you're trying to escape then you'll be left dead or paralyzed." And it just stuck in my head for half the rid home. I kept looking at all the other people on the bus making sure none of them looked like they had a knife or like they would mug me.
My other main type of intrusive thought is memories. Memories from recently or from my childhood just pop into my head. It can be anything at all but most often it's things that hurt me. Things that I had forgotten about and gotten over completely up until my OCD decides it's time to feel hurt and angry over again. It changes all the moving forward I made and makes me feel worse than I probably did at the time it happened.
Intrusive thoughts can come in many different forms and are basically when your brain forces something through your brain that you don't want. That isn't really brought on by anything in the room or any outside triggers. They are very distressing and cause endless amounts of anxiety to the people experiencing them.
I have been having them all day. I get a couple of different kinds and today has been a bad day where I get a lot of both kinds. Some of them are like horror movies in my head. Earlier I was on the bus home from town listening to my iPod and then this thought just popped into my head. "What if someone comes up here and tries to stab you? You could kick or push him out the way but you are slow and fat and you'll be scared. He'll just stab you in the back when you're trying to escape then you'll be left dead or paralyzed." And it just stuck in my head for half the rid home. I kept looking at all the other people on the bus making sure none of them looked like they had a knife or like they would mug me.
My other main type of intrusive thought is memories. Memories from recently or from my childhood just pop into my head. It can be anything at all but most often it's things that hurt me. Things that I had forgotten about and gotten over completely up until my OCD decides it's time to feel hurt and angry over again. It changes all the moving forward I made and makes me feel worse than I probably did at the time it happened.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Day 42 - Clutching at straws
OCD has a nasty little habit of whenever there isn't anything major for it to worry about then diving at the first minor little thing it can find.
I thought, however insanely, that when my new laptop came to distract me my OCD would lighten up a little since it's been so bad recently. I was clearly wrong. As soon as my OCD didn't have anything big to obsess over it clutched at every single bit of my laptop.
At first all the fonts on Firefox appeared really tiny so that was the end of the world.
When I fixed that it was that the power button needed held down to turn on but I hadn't realised and thought it was broken after the first day.
Then it was taking it round to my fiance's on the bus. Every little tap or bump was going to break it completely.
And now it's the fact that the Sims doesn't work properly on it. No matter how many times my fiance tells me that it's because the game is too old for my new graphics card I keep thinking it's a problem with the card itself and that I'll need to send it back and get it repaired even though I've only had it a week.
I'm completely catastrophising but I can't help it. It feels like every little minor, insignificant thing is th eend of the world and meaning it's breaking and that I'll need to send it back.
Damn OCD!
I thought, however insanely, that when my new laptop came to distract me my OCD would lighten up a little since it's been so bad recently. I was clearly wrong. As soon as my OCD didn't have anything big to obsess over it clutched at every single bit of my laptop.
At first all the fonts on Firefox appeared really tiny so that was the end of the world.
When I fixed that it was that the power button needed held down to turn on but I hadn't realised and thought it was broken after the first day.
Then it was taking it round to my fiance's on the bus. Every little tap or bump was going to break it completely.
And now it's the fact that the Sims doesn't work properly on it. No matter how many times my fiance tells me that it's because the game is too old for my new graphics card I keep thinking it's a problem with the card itself and that I'll need to send it back and get it repaired even though I've only had it a week.
I'm completely catastrophising but I can't help it. It feels like every little minor, insignificant thing is th eend of the world and meaning it's breaking and that I'll need to send it back.
Damn OCD!
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