Well this will probably be my last post till I get back from my holiday. Lanzarote for a week on Monday so wish me luck not having a total OCD meltdown in a foreign country.
But for now, a little update for you. My psychologist has started trying to target my compulsive handwashing. I had to write down when and why I washed my hands for a day then after that I had to write down when and why I washed my hands using certain rules. I was only allowed to wash my hands after going to the bathroom, before eating and if there was visible dirt or known harmful substances. I went from washing my hands 15 times the first day to 7 the next.
It is really hard to keep up though. I know what the rules are but my head tries to justify why I want to wash my hands to fit into those categories. But I've been trying my best. My psychologist was off sick this week though so I'm just going to have to keep up the experimenting till I'm back from my holiday. Hopefully I'll be too distracted and relaxed when I'm away to stress myself out with obsessions and compulsions but I realise that is unlikely.
Apart from my CBT though I have been really struggling with my stress. I struggled last week because I had a charity event I had planned coming up. I felt totally overwhelmed as I think I mentioned in my last post. And even after it I haven't been able to calm right at all. I don't know if it's just residual stress or because I have to organise me and my mum for going away on holiday and because I set off my BDD and ROCD really badly this week too.
Those two always seem to dance along together. My ROCD just seems to try and steal limelight from every other panic I have. Together they have sent me into many arguments with my fiance this week and have sent me rocking back and forth in bed trying not to feel anything. I'm reading into things other people say and taking them all really personally and I can't look in a mirror without feeling shit about myself.
Hoping a week in the sun will have me feeling a little better. Although a week without my fiance sounds horrific...
Thursday, 16 May 2013
Friday, 3 May 2013
Day 112 - CBT week 9
First off, sorry I haven't been online really lately. I have been physically ill and then a complete stressed out mess.
I have been organising an event and I feel totally overwhelmed. It was supposed to be experience that I was allowed to give parts of to other people if I became stressed but I couldn't. It really set off my OCD because I felt totally out of my depth and that I'd taken on too much so early on in starting treatment. It threw my right back to square one but then after worrying about that I'd worry that this was it. I'd feel guilty like I'd been lying to people I was ill and that I should just stop and get on with life like this.
I've been feeling hopeless and worthless and depressed and I can't shake any of the feelings that this is just who I am. I'm really scared that I have to be like this forever and that I don't really have OCD at all.
So my CBT has been set right back to keeping a diary of all my panics and obsessions and making lists of all the compulsive things I do and when. So they can see were the patterns and trends are. I was told to find an app that I could log stuff in though so I now have this free one "Cognitive Diary CBT Self-help"
It's quite good. I mean I imagine ones that charge are better but for a free one it's good. it allows you to log what triggered the thought, what feelings you had, what thoughts you had, how much you are convinced by them and how intense it all was. Then after that, u pick challenge statements and say how much u believe those and there is a space for comments. I wouldn't like to be using it alone to try and get better but it keeps a good log of your OCD.
I have been organising an event and I feel totally overwhelmed. It was supposed to be experience that I was allowed to give parts of to other people if I became stressed but I couldn't. It really set off my OCD because I felt totally out of my depth and that I'd taken on too much so early on in starting treatment. It threw my right back to square one but then after worrying about that I'd worry that this was it. I'd feel guilty like I'd been lying to people I was ill and that I should just stop and get on with life like this.
I've been feeling hopeless and worthless and depressed and I can't shake any of the feelings that this is just who I am. I'm really scared that I have to be like this forever and that I don't really have OCD at all.
So my CBT has been set right back to keeping a diary of all my panics and obsessions and making lists of all the compulsive things I do and when. So they can see were the patterns and trends are. I was told to find an app that I could log stuff in though so I now have this free one "Cognitive Diary CBT Self-help"
It's quite good. I mean I imagine ones that charge are better but for a free one it's good. it allows you to log what triggered the thought, what feelings you had, what thoughts you had, how much you are convinced by them and how intense it all was. Then after that, u pick challenge statements and say how much u believe those and there is a space for comments. I wouldn't like to be using it alone to try and get better but it keeps a good log of your OCD.
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