Nothing is sacred anymore. Everything everywhere feels dirty and germy. I have this little bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel and I use it loads and loads now. I take it everywhere and blob it on whenever I touch something I think might be dirty, which is a lot. Mum bought me it because I stopped being able to touch the dog and play with her but I now use it for everything.
Even as I type I'm thinking about putting more on. I only just used it as well. I used it when I saw a mark on my laptop's power supply and I used it again a couple of minutes later because I picked up an old bottle in the cupboard (like some how age makes it dirtier when it's just been in a cupboard).
But even with this gel that says it kills 99.99% of germs fast, I feel like my hands aren't properly washed. Like I should go wash them in the bathroom with soap and water as well or they aren't clean. The gel probably makes them cleaner than soap and water would but I can't shake feeling like I need to actually go and wash them.
I wash my hands so much now that my fiance says he can smell my hands from across the room. But I don't feel like they are ever clean enough.
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Contamination Over-reactions
I'm getting myself in a right state just now. It's like my brain is in overdrive and nothing can stop it.
We ran out of washing up liquid and borrowed some off my grandparents yesterday, which they stuck in a jar. Now, that's been fine with me all day. Mum's washed dishes and stuff in it and I've not thought about it once.
Except, I went to the kitchen and washed my hands in a bit of it. I wash my hands in washing up liquid all the time in the kitchen because if it makes my dishes clean enough to eat of it must make my hands clean too. This is not where my issue lies. Just as I was drying my hands my brain went "What if that isn't washing up liquid? I mean the jar isn't marked. It's just green goop in a glass jar". I had to go up to the bathroom and wash my hands three times with anti-bac liquid soap. That still wasn't enough though. I got it fixed in my head it was bleach in the jar and I was going to rub my eyes and go blind. I had to go wake up my mum and check with her and she told me it was washing up liquid too.
Normally, when I ask mum that reassures me. Even over asking my fiance. There's something about asking mum that just settles me more than anything. But not this time. I asked her several times (which I know is bad for my OCD) but it didn't really help much. I went back downstairs and went on Amazon to spend my birthday money. Shopping always makes me feel better. But then my eye was itchy. I rubbed it then imediately panicked all over again. My eye started to feel slightly stingy after I did it (which is either just my getting stuff from my oily skin in it, imagining it or whatever). So I sat for a few minutes testing that the vision in it was fine but then I had to go rinse it out with water. Then I sat back down and then the other eye started getting this dull ache even though I hadn't even touched it. I still had to go rinse it out too.
Now, if all that wasn't bad enough. I've just sat back down after all that and started panicking because I didn't re-wash my hands before rinsing out my eyes. Even though I'd really only just washed them 3 times in the bathroom. But I didn't because I was rinsing them in the kitchen and the kitchen only has the washing up liquid that set me off in the first place.
So now I'm sitting here panicking I'm going blind because I'm covered in bleach and nothing I do can make me clean enough even though I've been told it wasn't bleach anyway and I've washed my hands loads after using it.
We ran out of washing up liquid and borrowed some off my grandparents yesterday, which they stuck in a jar. Now, that's been fine with me all day. Mum's washed dishes and stuff in it and I've not thought about it once.
Except, I went to the kitchen and washed my hands in a bit of it. I wash my hands in washing up liquid all the time in the kitchen because if it makes my dishes clean enough to eat of it must make my hands clean too. This is not where my issue lies. Just as I was drying my hands my brain went "What if that isn't washing up liquid? I mean the jar isn't marked. It's just green goop in a glass jar". I had to go up to the bathroom and wash my hands three times with anti-bac liquid soap. That still wasn't enough though. I got it fixed in my head it was bleach in the jar and I was going to rub my eyes and go blind. I had to go wake up my mum and check with her and she told me it was washing up liquid too.
Normally, when I ask mum that reassures me. Even over asking my fiance. There's something about asking mum that just settles me more than anything. But not this time. I asked her several times (which I know is bad for my OCD) but it didn't really help much. I went back downstairs and went on Amazon to spend my birthday money. Shopping always makes me feel better. But then my eye was itchy. I rubbed it then imediately panicked all over again. My eye started to feel slightly stingy after I did it (which is either just my getting stuff from my oily skin in it, imagining it or whatever). So I sat for a few minutes testing that the vision in it was fine but then I had to go rinse it out with water. Then I sat back down and then the other eye started getting this dull ache even though I hadn't even touched it. I still had to go rinse it out too.
Now, if all that wasn't bad enough. I've just sat back down after all that and started panicking because I didn't re-wash my hands before rinsing out my eyes. Even though I'd really only just washed them 3 times in the bathroom. But I didn't because I was rinsing them in the kitchen and the kitchen only has the washing up liquid that set me off in the first place.
So now I'm sitting here panicking I'm going blind because I'm covered in bleach and nothing I do can make me clean enough even though I've been told it wasn't bleach anyway and I've washed my hands loads after using it.
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
New week, New stress
Well I know I haven't posted in a few days but I was away in London for the the weekend. Had a few germ panics and stuff but mostly managed to cope ok. I bought some rub on hand gel so that helped a little bit when I was out on tube's and stuff. It was fun anyway. Went to the theatre, saw the sights, got some great pictures. It all went too quickly really.
Now I'm back home I've had nothing but trouble. I got home yesterday and I find out the while I may have managed to come to terms with stuff, I'm still being talked about behind my back and causing arguments when I haven't done anything. Although I'm not allowed to talk about it in any more detail because my blog is being monitored by her (which is making me super paranoid by the way but anyway).
Today though, I woke up with a migraine, thought it had gone away and had to go to the benefits office, got home and was sick and half blind for about 4 hours. It took me about 8 hours to feel able to eat. Of course I felt immediately better afterwards. I can barely feel it really now, except that I'm really sorta dizzy and tired. The Benefits Office was relatively painless though. I thought it would be some bitch telling me I had to get a job no matter what. She was a little patronising but she basically said they like to know I have an end goal and a treatment plan and apart from that she'll see me in 6 months. She was quite pleasant really. And apparently because I do some volunteering with my mum when I feel up to it then that fulfills me "work-related activity" component. So that's me getting paid £100 a week now instead of £56. So now I can pay mum some extra to help pay for the bills and still have some more for me. It makes me feel a little more secure at least. For now anyway.
Now I just need to figure out how to tell the hospital that how they're treating me isn't working. I haven't heard from them at all since I missed an appointment. They seem more than happy to let me just disappear. I could be dead in a ditch for all they've bothered. But unless I tell them directly somehow I go back down to the bottom of the waiting list apparently. But I don't really know how to do it without being rude. She just hasn't helped me at all. If anything I'm worse not better and my family agree. She says I'm getting better though because it suits her plan. I feel like she doesn't have a clue about my condition or how to treat it.
And so on all this drama goes. I turn 20 in 3 days and it looks like I'll end my teenage years in a battle on one front and losing my marbles on the other. When I turned 10 my OCD was manageable and my friends parents kept it to themselves if they hated me. A decade later and I'm struggling with offices and other people's family's and keeping my own family happy and trying to make myself as happy as I can around it all. All with the added bonus that I can't do anything around various anxiety disorders.
Oh well, I hope it's at least sunny for my birthday. It's the least life can do for me just now.
Now I'm back home I've had nothing but trouble. I got home yesterday and I find out the while I may have managed to come to terms with stuff, I'm still being talked about behind my back and causing arguments when I haven't done anything. Although I'm not allowed to talk about it in any more detail because my blog is being monitored by her (which is making me super paranoid by the way but anyway).
Today though, I woke up with a migraine, thought it had gone away and had to go to the benefits office, got home and was sick and half blind for about 4 hours. It took me about 8 hours to feel able to eat. Of course I felt immediately better afterwards. I can barely feel it really now, except that I'm really sorta dizzy and tired. The Benefits Office was relatively painless though. I thought it would be some bitch telling me I had to get a job no matter what. She was a little patronising but she basically said they like to know I have an end goal and a treatment plan and apart from that she'll see me in 6 months. She was quite pleasant really. And apparently because I do some volunteering with my mum when I feel up to it then that fulfills me "work-related activity" component. So that's me getting paid £100 a week now instead of £56. So now I can pay mum some extra to help pay for the bills and still have some more for me. It makes me feel a little more secure at least. For now anyway.
Now I just need to figure out how to tell the hospital that how they're treating me isn't working. I haven't heard from them at all since I missed an appointment. They seem more than happy to let me just disappear. I could be dead in a ditch for all they've bothered. But unless I tell them directly somehow I go back down to the bottom of the waiting list apparently. But I don't really know how to do it without being rude. She just hasn't helped me at all. If anything I'm worse not better and my family agree. She says I'm getting better though because it suits her plan. I feel like she doesn't have a clue about my condition or how to treat it.
And so on all this drama goes. I turn 20 in 3 days and it looks like I'll end my teenage years in a battle on one front and losing my marbles on the other. When I turned 10 my OCD was manageable and my friends parents kept it to themselves if they hated me. A decade later and I'm struggling with offices and other people's family's and keeping my own family happy and trying to make myself as happy as I can around it all. All with the added bonus that I can't do anything around various anxiety disorders.
Oh well, I hope it's at least sunny for my birthday. It's the least life can do for me just now.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Panicking over mistakes
I've always been a perfectionist but I never thought it was quite OCD worthy when I was younger. Recently I've realised it really is.
It's my birthday in a couple of weeks and every year I get asked to write a list of things I want. Not that I'll get all of it obviously, so that people can choose something I want without me knowing exactly what I'm going to get. And because I like planning and writing lists I always lay them out in sections and stuff.
But this year I've made a mistake. I wrote two blu-rays on to the list that have multiple versions and I'm scared that people will buy the wrong thing because of my mistake. My Mum told me today she's ordered stuff off my list and that if she didn't order the right thing I've just to send it back to Amazon and get credit for it and get the version I want. But it keeps playing on my OCD now that I've done something wrong and that me getting it wrong will end up upsetting others.
Mum told me not to worry about it but I can't help it. I feel like I'll upset her. I feel like I've made a terrible mistake that will make her feel shitty for getting the wrong thing but it was my fault in the first place. I can't stop obsessing and panicking about it.
It's my birthday in a couple of weeks and every year I get asked to write a list of things I want. Not that I'll get all of it obviously, so that people can choose something I want without me knowing exactly what I'm going to get. And because I like planning and writing lists I always lay them out in sections and stuff.
But this year I've made a mistake. I wrote two blu-rays on to the list that have multiple versions and I'm scared that people will buy the wrong thing because of my mistake. My Mum told me today she's ordered stuff off my list and that if she didn't order the right thing I've just to send it back to Amazon and get credit for it and get the version I want. But it keeps playing on my OCD now that I've done something wrong and that me getting it wrong will end up upsetting others.
Mum told me not to worry about it but I can't help it. I feel like I'll upset her. I feel like I've made a terrible mistake that will make her feel shitty for getting the wrong thing but it was my fault in the first place. I can't stop obsessing and panicking about it.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
It's been a long week
Well, after washing my hands four times merely for going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I am going to go to bed and hope for a better weekend.
Granted all the comedy shows this week have been a massive plus for it but this week seems to have just been shitty for me overall.
I got sent my ESA benefit interview letter. I've got an appointment for the 20th that, by the sounds of the letter, is going to consist of them asking me what I can handle in my condition and then totally ignoring it and telling me to get a job anyway. That's been stressing me out and will continue to do so till it's over.
I have, and am continuing to have, my worst contamination OCD since I was 9 (10 years ago). I can't stop washing my hands or wanting to wash them. I feel sick if I've like used my hands to rub my eyes or rinse my mouth after brushing my teeth becauseI suddenly think my hands are really dirty. I have that at this very moment in fact. I feel like I'm dirty, contaminated and that by using my filthy hands to put water in my mouth I've given myself some sort of hideous illness and I'll die. My skin is really dry and papery feeling and I can't stop scratching even with putting dead sea mineral hand cream on it all the time. Even sitting here in bed I feel like the laptop is dirty, the bed is dirty, my pj's are dirty, I'm dirty, my skin is dirty, my hair is dirty.... it's all too much.
I am also going through a heavily paranoid state. I get these periodically in times of stress and stuff. Everything makes me think people hate me. Everything I do will make people hate me. I get really sensitive to things as well. My family quite commonly take the piss out of each other. But suddenly I will feel targeted and like they hate me and they're making fun of me. It can tap into my BDD as well. I'll start to feel like people are pointing and laughing at me because of how I look or that people who I know don't like me don't because of how I look.
I never could stand people talking about me or hating me. I start getting paranoid that everyone is doing it so they can laugh at me behind my back. I'll badger people to tell me things others might have said and I can't believe them if they say nothing has been said at all. It's a hatred of conflict I think. Even as a child I would refuse to go to bed if someone was angry at me. If I fell out with friends at school I would stay up all night panicking till I could see them the next day and find out they'd forgotten we had even argued. I can't stand anything that lasts longer than a few hours. I start to stress myself out so much that all sorts of terrible things run through my head. Like if I fell out with my mum as a child I would worry that she would leave in the middle of the night. So I would stay awake all night listening to make sure she didn't. My Mum's no good at arguing either. She will let me scream and shout then leave me half an hour and come offer me cake or something usually. So her holding sustained anger with me used to terrify me.
That seemed to take me off on a tangent. Back to this week's rubbishness. It has been rubbish and I hope the weekend will improve. It would be nice to have a break before I go to the doctor's about my useless psych treatment on Monday.
Granted all the comedy shows this week have been a massive plus for it but this week seems to have just been shitty for me overall.
I got sent my ESA benefit interview letter. I've got an appointment for the 20th that, by the sounds of the letter, is going to consist of them asking me what I can handle in my condition and then totally ignoring it and telling me to get a job anyway. That's been stressing me out and will continue to do so till it's over.
I have, and am continuing to have, my worst contamination OCD since I was 9 (10 years ago). I can't stop washing my hands or wanting to wash them. I feel sick if I've like used my hands to rub my eyes or rinse my mouth after brushing my teeth becauseI suddenly think my hands are really dirty. I have that at this very moment in fact. I feel like I'm dirty, contaminated and that by using my filthy hands to put water in my mouth I've given myself some sort of hideous illness and I'll die. My skin is really dry and papery feeling and I can't stop scratching even with putting dead sea mineral hand cream on it all the time. Even sitting here in bed I feel like the laptop is dirty, the bed is dirty, my pj's are dirty, I'm dirty, my skin is dirty, my hair is dirty.... it's all too much.
I am also going through a heavily paranoid state. I get these periodically in times of stress and stuff. Everything makes me think people hate me. Everything I do will make people hate me. I get really sensitive to things as well. My family quite commonly take the piss out of each other. But suddenly I will feel targeted and like they hate me and they're making fun of me. It can tap into my BDD as well. I'll start to feel like people are pointing and laughing at me because of how I look or that people who I know don't like me don't because of how I look.
I never could stand people talking about me or hating me. I start getting paranoid that everyone is doing it so they can laugh at me behind my back. I'll badger people to tell me things others might have said and I can't believe them if they say nothing has been said at all. It's a hatred of conflict I think. Even as a child I would refuse to go to bed if someone was angry at me. If I fell out with friends at school I would stay up all night panicking till I could see them the next day and find out they'd forgotten we had even argued. I can't stand anything that lasts longer than a few hours. I start to stress myself out so much that all sorts of terrible things run through my head. Like if I fell out with my mum as a child I would worry that she would leave in the middle of the night. So I would stay awake all night listening to make sure she didn't. My Mum's no good at arguing either. She will let me scream and shout then leave me half an hour and come offer me cake or something usually. So her holding sustained anger with me used to terrify me.
That seemed to take me off on a tangent. Back to this week's rubbishness. It has been rubbish and I hope the weekend will improve. It would be nice to have a break before I go to the doctor's about my useless psych treatment on Monday.
Thursday, 8 August 2013
OCD - A Fickle Friend
Well, maybe more enemy than friend but fickle none the less.
I have spent days, paranoid, obsessive and depressed about the same thing. Today, also my teeth. Really edging more towards my teeth than the other stuff. I mean I'm still bothered by it but seriously, my teeth are driving me nuts.
I have a lot of OCD issues with my teeth. I feel odd aches and pains in them all the time and I worry whenever I take a bite into something crunchy, they click or they move slightly when I eat.
Now, this is not helped by a fear of the dentist so strong I haven't gone for about 5 years. They scare me in a similar way to Doctors. I lie in that chair at the mercy of the very attractive man I have as a dentist (when I go) and await him telling me everythign that is wrong with my teeth. I'm not bothered about the fact that my front two are squint. I barely notice it unless I tilt my head back and look in a mirror. The fact that he constantly tries to get me to take braces is not the problem. The problem is that I don't want to be told that I have gum disease, rotting teeth, need fillings, damaged them in any way, that I'm going to lose them... all sorts. But even without the Dentist I still fear it regularly. Today, it started when I was eating lunch. Weird ache in my tooth and bits stuck in between them because I'm rubbish at eating gammon steaks. It's been bothering me all day. Every time I eat I notice this sort of dull ache. Now I would worry about tooth ache if the dull ache didn't spread across about four teeth at various points through the day. I lick and push and tap them to see if they're loose and how sore they are and obviously, the more I do it the worse the pain is. Like I'm worrying my teeth into pain as well. But no matter how much I know that, I can't stop. I've also been staring at them in every mirror I can find. They look fine. Except, for a small ridge along the top of one of them. Now, I have slightly odd teeth. That little ridge has probably been there since that tooth grew in. But I can't stop licking across it and thinking it feels hugely different. I keep thinking I've chipped my tooth. It's driving me totally insane. I'm trying my best not to go wake up my mum and make her check it for me.
In other news, my hand washing and contamination has gotten so bad my skin is dry, rashy and sore. My hands throb every time I wash my hands and I still can't stop washing at under three or four times a go. Even once I go sit down after that my brain will say I didn't put soap on them and I'll get straight back up and do it again. I've also stopped being able to touch certain things in my house. I can't touch the bathroom door handle without going back and washing my hands, or touch my dogs toys (I can about cope with the dog herself for some reason), any food packets or uncooked food (even dry pasta and stuff), the back door handle, keys, cushions, blankets, dirty dishes... I can't handle any smells on my skin other than soap either. Anything at all. Even like chocolate or foods. I'm not even totally convinced by my flowery hand cream. They all make me want to wash them again. Right now in fact. I've just washed them four times in a row and they don't smell soapy enough. I want to go wash them another time. I'm trying not to because even typing is hurting the skin on my hands.
I have had to retreat to my safe space. Typing on here and listening to loud music that's cheery and got a good beat. Disney songs are good for it I've found. Often I'll watch cheery films as well but there's no really good upbeat song in my favourite Disney movie, Pocahontas. I have to settle for Aladdin for best music. It at least makes me feel a bit better for a couple of minutes till I remember I want to wash my hands and check my teeth.
I have spent days, paranoid, obsessive and depressed about the same thing. Today, also my teeth. Really edging more towards my teeth than the other stuff. I mean I'm still bothered by it but seriously, my teeth are driving me nuts.
I have a lot of OCD issues with my teeth. I feel odd aches and pains in them all the time and I worry whenever I take a bite into something crunchy, they click or they move slightly when I eat.
Now, this is not helped by a fear of the dentist so strong I haven't gone for about 5 years. They scare me in a similar way to Doctors. I lie in that chair at the mercy of the very attractive man I have as a dentist (when I go) and await him telling me everythign that is wrong with my teeth. I'm not bothered about the fact that my front two are squint. I barely notice it unless I tilt my head back and look in a mirror. The fact that he constantly tries to get me to take braces is not the problem. The problem is that I don't want to be told that I have gum disease, rotting teeth, need fillings, damaged them in any way, that I'm going to lose them... all sorts. But even without the Dentist I still fear it regularly. Today, it started when I was eating lunch. Weird ache in my tooth and bits stuck in between them because I'm rubbish at eating gammon steaks. It's been bothering me all day. Every time I eat I notice this sort of dull ache. Now I would worry about tooth ache if the dull ache didn't spread across about four teeth at various points through the day. I lick and push and tap them to see if they're loose and how sore they are and obviously, the more I do it the worse the pain is. Like I'm worrying my teeth into pain as well. But no matter how much I know that, I can't stop. I've also been staring at them in every mirror I can find. They look fine. Except, for a small ridge along the top of one of them. Now, I have slightly odd teeth. That little ridge has probably been there since that tooth grew in. But I can't stop licking across it and thinking it feels hugely different. I keep thinking I've chipped my tooth. It's driving me totally insane. I'm trying my best not to go wake up my mum and make her check it for me.
In other news, my hand washing and contamination has gotten so bad my skin is dry, rashy and sore. My hands throb every time I wash my hands and I still can't stop washing at under three or four times a go. Even once I go sit down after that my brain will say I didn't put soap on them and I'll get straight back up and do it again. I've also stopped being able to touch certain things in my house. I can't touch the bathroom door handle without going back and washing my hands, or touch my dogs toys (I can about cope with the dog herself for some reason), any food packets or uncooked food (even dry pasta and stuff), the back door handle, keys, cushions, blankets, dirty dishes... I can't handle any smells on my skin other than soap either. Anything at all. Even like chocolate or foods. I'm not even totally convinced by my flowery hand cream. They all make me want to wash them again. Right now in fact. I've just washed them four times in a row and they don't smell soapy enough. I want to go wash them another time. I'm trying not to because even typing is hurting the skin on my hands.
I have had to retreat to my safe space. Typing on here and listening to loud music that's cheery and got a good beat. Disney songs are good for it I've found. Often I'll watch cheery films as well but there's no really good upbeat song in my favourite Disney movie, Pocahontas. I have to settle for Aladdin for best music. It at least makes me feel a bit better for a couple of minutes till I remember I want to wash my hands and check my teeth.
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
Today's Another Day
Well, I still feel utterly rubbish but I dragged myself out of bed at least.
I have comedy shows to see every day this week now so I couldn't exactly sit inside (the wonders of Edinburgh in festival season). So I pulled myself together as best I could; got showered, did my nails, went into town and had a good night watching Phill Jupitus.
I wish I could really feel better for this week but I had fun and it distracted me for a bit. Going out and having a laugh and a drink and I at least managed to cheer myself up for a few hours. Tomorrow is Sandi Toksvig so hopefully that will distract me for another few hours. Maybe if I can keep distracting myself then one day feeling better for a few hours will turn into a few days or whatever.
I'm used to dealing with my depression, anxiety and OCD with distractions. It's my main coping mechanism. But after major shake ups like the last few days have been it can be hard to get any motivation for my normal paths. I find it difficult to play any pc games or watch any TV or even sit still for very long. But I persevered and succeeded.
My OCD and stuff is still off the charts over this though. My skin is flaring up in dry patches and big itchy rashes, I can barely sleep and I keep having panicked nightmares about it all when I do get to sleep, I've had a splitting headache all day and I can't stop my brain running over and over.
No matter how bad I feel just now though, I won't stop posting on here. It's my place to say what I feel and I won't give that up. If it makes my anxiety lower to write on here I don't see why I should. I'll get through all this s**t one way or another and so will this blog.
I have comedy shows to see every day this week now so I couldn't exactly sit inside (the wonders of Edinburgh in festival season). So I pulled myself together as best I could; got showered, did my nails, went into town and had a good night watching Phill Jupitus.
I wish I could really feel better for this week but I had fun and it distracted me for a bit. Going out and having a laugh and a drink and I at least managed to cheer myself up for a few hours. Tomorrow is Sandi Toksvig so hopefully that will distract me for another few hours. Maybe if I can keep distracting myself then one day feeling better for a few hours will turn into a few days or whatever.
I'm used to dealing with my depression, anxiety and OCD with distractions. It's my main coping mechanism. But after major shake ups like the last few days have been it can be hard to get any motivation for my normal paths. I find it difficult to play any pc games or watch any TV or even sit still for very long. But I persevered and succeeded.
My OCD and stuff is still off the charts over this though. My skin is flaring up in dry patches and big itchy rashes, I can barely sleep and I keep having panicked nightmares about it all when I do get to sleep, I've had a splitting headache all day and I can't stop my brain running over and over.
No matter how bad I feel just now though, I won't stop posting on here. It's my place to say what I feel and I won't give that up. If it makes my anxiety lower to write on here I don't see why I should. I'll get through all this s**t one way or another and so will this blog.
Monday, 5 August 2013
It's just going from bad to worse
I can't even get out of bed. I can't do anything or think about anything or cocentrate on anything.
Apparently, me having a blog is the problem, not anything I may have said about peopoe. How do I even go forward from that? My blog feels tainted now. Like I'm being watched by her and judged and dictated to.
Am I not supposed to have a place to talk freely? Can I not have somewhere to just talk? Because I'm certainly not getting it from my psych and it can be hard only having my fiance understand properly. Talking with my family can only go so far and I made this blog because I needed somewhere that was mine to fill with my feelings. I could use forums but they just aren't the same. Forums make you keep looking to see if you have had any responses and can, I've noticed, become addictive. Here I can vent and then leave for a bit and come back and post again. Is that so wrong of me really?
I just feel awful. Nothing is ever going to get better now because I still can't get her to talk to me about her issues with me and she'll probably read this and go off again but I can't not post at alo because it vents my feelings.
Sunday, 4 August 2013
A the end of my tether
I have , yet again, apparently crossed the line by using my blog to vent.
Apparently my fiance's mother read through my whole blog and picked out everything she doesn't like and banned me from her house.
I would point out I deliberately do not mention the names of others and nobody I know personally reads my blog. I also don't know anybody she does apart from her own family.
I'm not sorry about whatever I have said that she isn't keen on. What I am is hurt and upset that she thinks I do not deserve a place to talk about my feelings and that she won't even discuss the problems she has with me.She just told my fiance I am not allowed in and that they would discuss it with HIM when he got home. If the problem is with me why am I not talked to about it like a human being. I feel like a scolded puppy.
I don't really know where I can go from here with her. I have tried to get on with her but she always finds some reason that I'm a terrible person and that she doesn't want me near her or her family. But then the next minute she's telling me that she'll love me and welcome me into her family. But clearly only if I live my life the way she wants from now on. Then she's straight back to hating me again.
After so much back and forth I actually don't think I can ever have a real relationship with her. I'm so stressed out and panicky over the whole ordeal and I just don't know what to do. On the one hand I want to never have anything to do with her. But I want this discussed WITH me rather than behind my back.
I also know this isn't really OCD related but I'm really upset.
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