Well, after washing my hands four times merely for going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth, I am going to go to bed and hope for a better weekend.
Granted all the comedy shows this week have been a massive plus for it but this week seems to have just been shitty for me overall.
I got sent my ESA benefit interview letter. I've got an appointment for the 20th that, by the sounds of the letter, is going to consist of them asking me what I can handle in my condition and then totally ignoring it and telling me to get a job anyway. That's been stressing me out and will continue to do so till it's over.
I have, and am continuing to have, my worst contamination OCD since I was 9 (10 years ago). I can't stop washing my hands or wanting to wash them. I feel sick if I've like used my hands to rub my eyes or rinse my mouth after brushing my teeth becauseI suddenly think my hands are really dirty. I have that at this very moment in fact. I feel like I'm dirty, contaminated and that by using my filthy hands to put water in my mouth I've given myself some sort of hideous illness and I'll die. My skin is really dry and papery feeling and I can't stop scratching even with putting dead sea mineral hand cream on it all the time. Even sitting here in bed I feel like the laptop is dirty, the bed is dirty, my pj's are dirty, I'm dirty, my skin is dirty, my hair is dirty.... it's all too much.
I am also going through a heavily paranoid state. I get these periodically in times of stress and stuff. Everything makes me think people hate me. Everything I do will make people hate me. I get really sensitive to things as well. My family quite commonly take the piss out of each other. But suddenly I will feel targeted and like they hate me and they're making fun of me. It can tap into my BDD as well. I'll start to feel like people are pointing and laughing at me because of how I look or that people who I know don't like me don't because of how I look.
I never could stand people talking about me or hating me. I start getting paranoid that everyone is doing it so they can laugh at me behind my back. I'll badger people to tell me things others might have said and I can't believe them if they say nothing has been said at all. It's a hatred of conflict I think. Even as a child I would refuse to go to bed if someone was angry at me. If I fell out with friends at school I would stay up all night panicking till I could see them the next day and find out they'd forgotten we had even argued. I can't stand anything that lasts longer than a few hours. I start to stress myself out so much that all sorts of terrible things run through my head. Like if I fell out with my mum as a child I would worry that she would leave in the middle of the night. So I would stay awake all night listening to make sure she didn't. My Mum's no good at arguing either. She will let me scream and shout then leave me half an hour and come offer me cake or something usually. So her holding sustained anger with me used to terrify me.
That seemed to take me off on a tangent. Back to this week's rubbishness. It has been rubbish and I hope the weekend will improve. It would be nice to have a break before I go to the doctor's about my useless psych treatment on Monday.
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