Well I know I haven't posted in a few days but I was away in London for the the weekend. Had a few germ panics and stuff but mostly managed to cope ok. I bought some rub on hand gel so that helped a little bit when I was out on tube's and stuff. It was fun anyway. Went to the theatre, saw the sights, got some great pictures. It all went too quickly really.
Now I'm back home I've had nothing but trouble. I got home yesterday and I find out the while I may have managed to come to terms with stuff, I'm still being talked about behind my back and causing arguments when I haven't done anything. Although I'm not allowed to talk about it in any more detail because my blog is being monitored by her (which is making me super paranoid by the way but anyway).
Today though, I woke up with a migraine, thought it had gone away and had to go to the benefits office, got home and was sick and half blind for about 4 hours. It took me about 8 hours to feel able to eat. Of course I felt immediately better afterwards. I can barely feel it really now, except that I'm really sorta dizzy and tired. The Benefits Office was relatively painless though. I thought it would be some bitch telling me I had to get a job no matter what. She was a little patronising but she basically said they like to know I have an end goal and a treatment plan and apart from that she'll see me in 6 months. She was quite pleasant really. And apparently because I do some volunteering with my mum when I feel up to it then that fulfills me "work-related activity" component. So that's me getting paid £100 a week now instead of £56. So now I can pay mum some extra to help pay for the bills and still have some more for me. It makes me feel a little more secure at least. For now anyway.
Now I just need to figure out how to tell the hospital that how they're treating me isn't working. I haven't heard from them at all since I missed an appointment. They seem more than happy to let me just disappear. I could be dead in a ditch for all they've bothered. But unless I tell them directly somehow I go back down to the bottom of the waiting list apparently. But I don't really know how to do it without being rude. She just hasn't helped me at all. If anything I'm worse not better and my family agree. She says I'm getting better though because it suits her plan. I feel like she doesn't have a clue about my condition or how to treat it.
And so on all this drama goes. I turn 20 in 3 days and it looks like I'll end my teenage years in a battle on one front and losing my marbles on the other. When I turned 10 my OCD was manageable and my friends parents kept it to themselves if they hated me. A decade later and I'm struggling with offices and other people's family's and keeping my own family happy and trying to make myself as happy as I can around it all. All with the added bonus that I can't do anything around various anxiety disorders.
Oh well, I hope it's at least sunny for my birthday. It's the least life can do for me just now.
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