Day 79 - CBT anxiety

I thought I had anxiety before. It was nothing compared to what I have now. The stress from having all these things to do is setting off every obsession that I have.

Today alone I have so many different panics. First thing I thought I was going blind, then I was having a heart attack, then I was having a migraine, then I was going bald, then I was too fat, then I wanted to comfort eat, then I was being poisoned by a jaggy thing stuck in my leggings, then I was having a stroke, then all my teeth were going to fall out, then my ROCD set off, then my HOCD set off, then I was back to my teeth falling out...

All that was today... just today... and I was supposed to be rearranging my DVDs for my CBT exercises today. Every time I think about doing it I distract myself with something else. I have done nothing but stress myself out and I feel like s**t but I don't know how to actually calm down. I keep checking things.

I keep licking all my teeth to make sure they all feel ok and that none of themhurt of move. Then I keep thinking things feel wrong and having to keep doing it. I'll end up eroding them away with all the licking at this rate. And I keep feeling my scalp for bald patches and running my fingers through my hair to make sure not too many strands come out. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I couldn't feel worse today. Worst day in a while...

Day 54 - New Spikes

Well I've decided to keep on here to vent. Even if I am just a moan at least I feel a bit better afterwards.

And after what happened to me earlier I could do with that feeling a little better...

I had a massive HOCD spike. My HOCD has been not bad of late. It was only bothering me every so often and would sort of panic me for about half an hour then wear off. Not today. Today it sprung on me in the most personal and private way possible. I'm not sure how much detail it is right to go into in a public site but suffice to say an image of a woman I had met at the party the other night popped into my head at a very disturbing moment.

It wasn't a sexual image really either. It was an image of a photo I had taken of her at the party since I was supposed to take pictures of everyone. I did think she was pretty on the night and that her dress looked nice and she seemed like a lovely person but it never bothered me at the time.

It just popped into my head earlier and I've been completely paranoid ever since. I now remember her mentioning her a couple of times to other people after the party but I think it was mostly about that it was a nice photo but I couldn't remembre who she was there with. And now I think that mentioning her so much must mean I fancy her. And her popping into my head at complletely the wrong moment must mean I fancy her. And now I must be a lesbian.

I panicked myself so much I cried myself to sleep and slept for about 9 hours. Now I'm awake it's still bothering me and I have to post this.

Day 32 - OCD dreaming

When we think too much about something throughout the day or a lot even just before we go to sleep it seems to get lodged in our subconscious for the night.

OCD dreaming appears to be an issue for many people I have met with OCD as well as myself. It's hard to cope with sometimes because dreams can feel very real and can feel like they prove your OCD theories.

Last night I had two OCD fueled dreams that I can remember. The first one felt like it was totally real. Even now it feels like it was real and I have to keep checking. In my dream I had gone bald in patches on the top of my head. It was terrifying and I woke feeling both scared and then massively relieved it had been a dream.

The second one was about me being told by a load of girls that I was a lesbian over and over and over. They refused to tell me how they knew or why they were telling me just that I was. I woke up wondering if what they were telling me was true rather than if the dream had really happened but the effect is the same. I was terrified it was true and that it confirmed all my OCD fears and obsessions.

I had to go ask my fiance about it to make sure none of it was real and to get some sort of reassurance off him.  And it's been bothering me all day since.

Day 18 - Recurring HOCD

HOCD is one of the hardest obsessions to truly shake. It recurs for most people that have it if it ever leaves them alone. It can stay for months and months for some people. It's hard to shake because it is difficult to really prove. When you are worried you are ill you go to a doctor and take a test to see. There is no definitive test for your sexuality. People reassure themselves with so many different things as well.

Some people self test themselves to see what turns them on and if same sex thoughts don't they feel better. But this isn't full-proof. The brain can give in and let people do it just to get itself out of the awkward situation. Some people can get off to it anyway and enjoy it but they tell themselves that sexuality isn't to do with what turns you on it is to do with who you want romantically. This is true but it tends to spike the first lot of people. When I say it is true that doesn't mean that the people who don't get turned on by same sex thoughts are repressing anything. It means that they are into the same things romantically as they are sexually.

Repression isn't even proved to exist. If a straight woman has HOCD she worries that she might be a lesbian. Lesbians worry about telling people. It is never that they don't know they are into girls. They will always have known. That seems to be were HOCD distorts the thinking. That the sufferer may be hiding that they are not who they think they are from themselves. Gay people don't hide it from themselves they hide it from other people.

I have mentioned before that my OCD is the type of OCD that recurs or changes focus all the time. One of the main obsessions that recurs for me often is HOCD. Sudden spikes of anxiety that usually last up to a few days. The main spike of it is an initial burst that is usually a panic attack that spends up to a few days calming down again.

I don't consider my HOCD to be my worst obsession. I'm generally set off by stupid little things that I can b reassured out of after a while. If I'm left alone with it then it's worse. Last night I was watching the new series of Spartacus. A program that has never really bothered me before.

Now, I do understand that I'm being silly with this but it's been bothering me all day. I was watching Gannicus (or however you spell his name) have a foursome with some unnamed scantily clad women. This you wouldn't think would set off HOCD but it did. Even though it was a foursome involving a man there were lesbian things going on at times and naked women everywhere. This is what set me off. The feeling that I might be over watching the women in the scene. Not that I just might be enjoying the sexual atmosphere of the scene. It isn't one of my worst spikes but it has been niggling at me since I watched it.

Day 14 - HOCD spiking

I'm now at my two week mark for this blog. So yay to me on that I suppose. This does however mean that I have been 14 days without a break from one obsession or another. My OCD differs from some peoples as mine swaps about a lot. I can have one type of obsession one day and a completely different one the next. It can even change from morning to afternoon or hour to hour. A lot of people fixate on the exact same obsession for weeks, months or even years. I'm not sure which type is better but I suppose it makes my blog more varied.

Today has been an HOCD spike. This morning I was feeling mostly OK. Savouring the last few hours with my Fiance before I had to leave. It was when I got home I got bad. I started looking through some old photos for a photo project I'm doing for a family party in March. These were mostly of me and my friends when I was about 13 or 14 at school and hanging about round where we lived. For some reason I kept seeing pictures of the same three people over and over again. This really makes sense. They were my best friends from primary school or high school and it makes sense I would have more photos of them than anyone else. For some reason two of the girls set me off though.

My brain just decided that I must fancy them. I mean why would I have so many photos of them if I didn't fancy them? Not anything to do with the fact that they were my friends and I don't remember thinking I fancied them at all when I was at school with them. Not once. And I remember every guy I've fancied since I was 10 and that was when I had my first real crush. But suddenly I'm fixating on everything and convincing myself I had feelings for them back then even though I have no real memory of it.

Day 3 - HOCD

Today I tackled a biggie. This post will get a little graphic so be warned before you read on.

HOCD, Homosexuality OCD, Sexual Orientation OCD or SO-OCD. All different names for the same thing. Worrying you are a different sexual orientation than you are.

Now, I have spent 19 years fancying men. I had my first real crush at about 10, he was my friend's brother and he was older and I liked him for years. That was the start of my long relationship with the male species. I got tongue-tied, my stomach got full of butterflies and my mind was just blank and giggly around the men I liked. And I didn't find my tongue again till I was about 16. But never once did I fancy a girl. Never once did I think "I'm a lesbian". However, as soon as HOCD set in (first time at when I was around 14) I doubted everything. I thought I fancied actresses on TV (my main ones being Natalie Dormer and Kaley Cuoco) and all sorts.

I have it again just now though. The problem for me is that I can get off to it. But when I do it feels clunky and mechanical. It doesn't feel like I enjoy it. But afterwards, while I'm crying and shaking under my covers that I thought about lesbians or watched lesbian porn and managed to cum, my brain tells me I enjoyed it. And that is me anxious for hours, sometimes days at a time. It keeps telling me that I wasn't forcing it, that I wanted those thoughts and that I enjoyed them.

When I'm with my Fiance the thoughts hardly cross my mind either. It almost never comes up because I feel so right with him. But when I'm at home alone in my room it just sneaks up on me to tell me I'm really a lesbian and I have to leave him and find a woman. It's utterly terrifying because the more I over think events the more my OCD seems to twist my memories and thoughts to make it seem more gay than it was at the time.

For example, last night I had an experience with this. I was watching a film and got horny watching David Tennant and some woman having sex. So later on I was still horny and I couldn't sleep because of it so I had to masturbate for a little relief. I felt the compulsion to self-test my reaction to thinking of women. It felt horribly forced and I had to go at it really really hard to get any reaction and even then my mind kept wondering to other mundane, totally non-sexual thoughts and my horniness didn't change. It was as though I was only getting a reaction cos I was rubbing it loads. But as soon as I was done the doubts flooded in. I had been thinking about women. I must be a lesbian. I came, didn't I? That means I'm a lesbian!

And the doubts have been there all day. I know how I felt at the time but the more I think about it the less sure I am.