Day 18 - Recurring HOCD

HOCD is one of the hardest obsessions to truly shake. It recurs for most people that have it if it ever leaves them alone. It can stay for months and months for some people. It's hard to shake because it is difficult to really prove. When you are worried you are ill you go to a doctor and take a test to see. There is no definitive test for your sexuality. People reassure themselves with so many different things as well.

Some people self test themselves to see what turns them on and if same sex thoughts don't they feel better. But this isn't full-proof. The brain can give in and let people do it just to get itself out of the awkward situation. Some people can get off to it anyway and enjoy it but they tell themselves that sexuality isn't to do with what turns you on it is to do with who you want romantically. This is true but it tends to spike the first lot of people. When I say it is true that doesn't mean that the people who don't get turned on by same sex thoughts are repressing anything. It means that they are into the same things romantically as they are sexually.

Repression isn't even proved to exist. If a straight woman has HOCD she worries that she might be a lesbian. Lesbians worry about telling people. It is never that they don't know they are into girls. They will always have known. That seems to be were HOCD distorts the thinking. That the sufferer may be hiding that they are not who they think they are from themselves. Gay people don't hide it from themselves they hide it from other people.

I have mentioned before that my OCD is the type of OCD that recurs or changes focus all the time. One of the main obsessions that recurs for me often is HOCD. Sudden spikes of anxiety that usually last up to a few days. The main spike of it is an initial burst that is usually a panic attack that spends up to a few days calming down again.

I don't consider my HOCD to be my worst obsession. I'm generally set off by stupid little things that I can b reassured out of after a while. If I'm left alone with it then it's worse. Last night I was watching the new series of Spartacus. A program that has never really bothered me before.

Now, I do understand that I'm being silly with this but it's been bothering me all day. I was watching Gannicus (or however you spell his name) have a foursome with some unnamed scantily clad women. This you wouldn't think would set off HOCD but it did. Even though it was a foursome involving a man there were lesbian things going on at times and naked women everywhere. This is what set me off. The feeling that I might be over watching the women in the scene. Not that I just might be enjoying the sexual atmosphere of the scene. It isn't one of my worst spikes but it has been niggling at me since I watched it.