Today was not much of an improvement on yesterday.
I have been thrown int othe deep end by my own GP. I had an appointment with her this morning to see if I was any better than when she saw me last month. I told her that if anything I was worse.
I mean it's true, I'm not normally kept awake quite so many nights in one week. I was kept awake last night as well so that takes my total of 4 nights out of 7 lying awake till at least 5am.
Not that that seemed to matter to my doctor. I told her how I was more anxious and it was now stopping me sleeping and that the lack of sleep just made me even worse. I told her how my brain is finding it impossible to turn off and I end up phoning my Fiance at 2am in tears so he can talk me down enough to lie down and even try to sleep. But she just ignored me and said that I could have this month signed off looking for work and then we would need to discuss me looking for a job again. As if I'd magically be better in four weeks. Or worse that it didn't matter.
Now I'm plagued with feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Like my Fiance is the only one who seems to understand what this is like. The Government, my family and now even medical professionals think it either doesn't exist or it's not important. Logically, I know they're just trying to meet quotas and my family find it hard to accept that I'm mentally ill. But it doesn't make it any easier really. I feel like I'm going to end up back where I started; pushed into things I'm not ready for and falling apart because the stress and anxiety are too much. And the worrying has become an obsession in itself. I'm running through all the possibilities over and over again even though it is most likely all going to work out in the end I can't help thinking that it's all going to fall apart and I'll end up with nothing and no-one.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better...
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