Day 3 - HOCD

Today I tackled a biggie. This post will get a little graphic so be warned before you read on.

HOCD, Homosexuality OCD, Sexual Orientation OCD or SO-OCD. All different names for the same thing. Worrying you are a different sexual orientation than you are.

Now, I have spent 19 years fancying men. I had my first real crush at about 10, he was my friend's brother and he was older and I liked him for years. That was the start of my long relationship with the male species. I got tongue-tied, my stomach got full of butterflies and my mind was just blank and giggly around the men I liked. And I didn't find my tongue again till I was about 16. But never once did I fancy a girl. Never once did I think "I'm a lesbian". However, as soon as HOCD set in (first time at when I was around 14) I doubted everything. I thought I fancied actresses on TV (my main ones being Natalie Dormer and Kaley Cuoco) and all sorts.

I have it again just now though. The problem for me is that I can get off to it. But when I do it feels clunky and mechanical. It doesn't feel like I enjoy it. But afterwards, while I'm crying and shaking under my covers that I thought about lesbians or watched lesbian porn and managed to cum, my brain tells me I enjoyed it. And that is me anxious for hours, sometimes days at a time. It keeps telling me that I wasn't forcing it, that I wanted those thoughts and that I enjoyed them.

When I'm with my Fiance the thoughts hardly cross my mind either. It almost never comes up because I feel so right with him. But when I'm at home alone in my room it just sneaks up on me to tell me I'm really a lesbian and I have to leave him and find a woman. It's utterly terrifying because the more I over think events the more my OCD seems to twist my memories and thoughts to make it seem more gay than it was at the time.

For example, last night I had an experience with this. I was watching a film and got horny watching David Tennant and some woman having sex. So later on I was still horny and I couldn't sleep because of it so I had to masturbate for a little relief. I felt the compulsion to self-test my reaction to thinking of women. It felt horribly forced and I had to go at it really really hard to get any reaction and even then my mind kept wondering to other mundane, totally non-sexual thoughts and my horniness didn't change. It was as though I was only getting a reaction cos I was rubbing it loads. But as soon as I was done the doubts flooded in. I had been thinking about women. I must be a lesbian. I came, didn't I? That means I'm a lesbian!

And the doubts have been there all day. I know how I felt at the time but the more I think about it the less sure I am.