Day 33 - Another day, another OCD trigger

My life seems to currently be a constant stream of appointments strung together with stress. Another Doctor's appointment today to get yet another note for the Benefit's Office.

To be honest I don't know why they don't just give me one that will last a few months. I've not even started my treatment yet so I'm unlikely to be well enough to go to work or college for a while yet. If anything I am getting worse and not better and this relentless list of appointments isn't helping at all.

And to top it off, every time I go to one of my many appointments they ask me what I'm planning on doing once I'm better and when I'm planning on doing it. Like my being mentally ill should have an expiration date. Or like I should pick a date to stop being a burden to society.

I feel constantly pushed even though most people probably aren't trying to push me at all. The stress is making me paranoid.

At least the doctor I saw this time was nice about it though. Last time she told me that I'd have to go back to work whether I was feeling worse or not. Basically "Go commit suicide in an office so long as your not cluttering up my books". But this time he was sympathetic and nice about it. Although he hasn't seen my notes from the psychologist yet so he thinks that my problem is like stress and anxiety over going out to get a job. Rather than OCD which stops me from holding down a job. But still, it was nice to have someone be kind of understanding about it all.

On the bright side a little I suppose though, The stress of having the appointment distracted my brain from my other obsessions for most of the day.

Day 2 - GP Troubles

Today was not much of an improvement on yesterday.

I have been thrown int othe deep end by my own GP. I had an appointment with her this morning to see if I was any better than when she saw me last month. I told her that if anything I was worse.

I mean it's true, I'm not normally kept awake quite so many nights in one week. I was kept awake last night as well so that takes my total of 4 nights out of 7 lying awake till at least 5am.

Not that that seemed to matter to my doctor. I told her how I was more anxious and it was now stopping me sleeping and that the lack of sleep just made me even worse. I told her how my brain is finding it impossible to turn off and I end up phoning my Fiance at 2am in tears so he can talk me down enough to lie down and even try to sleep. But she just ignored me and said that I could have this month signed off looking for work and then we would need to discuss me looking for a job again. As if I'd magically be better in four weeks. Or worse that it didn't matter.

Now I'm plagued with feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Like my Fiance is the only one who seems to understand what this is like. The Government, my family and now even medical professionals think it either doesn't exist or it's not important. Logically, I know they're just trying to meet quotas and my family find it hard to accept that I'm mentally ill. But it doesn't make it any easier really. I feel like I'm going to end up back where I started; pushed into things I'm not ready for and falling apart because the stress and anxiety are too much. And the worrying has become an obsession in itself. I'm running through all the possibilities over and over again even though it is most likely all going to work out in the end I can't help thinking that it's all going to fall apart and I'll end up with nothing and no-one.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better...