Day 56 - CBT Week 1

Today I got my first actual session of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

First off, I had a migraine so I felt awful for the whole thing and a little out of it. I also tend to get a severe case of verbal diarrhea for the whole hour. My poor CAAP (Clinical Associate in Applied Psychology) didn't get a chance to try her relaxation techniques with me. She had to shove that back to next week.

However, I got given my first piece of CBT homework. All this week I have to not check my migraines. I assume they meant any of my health panics though since I don't get migraines all the time. But I'm not allowed to google my symptoms, seek reassurance off others or give myself physical checks. I just have to sit there and deal with it.

They also told me to come to my next appointment by myself which is going to be more difficult than it sounds. I don't really have a problem going on buses alone as long as I have my ipod to keep my mind occupied and my psychologist didn't actually say to stop that. But whatever, I'd do what they said if it kept them happy. They'll stop my treatment if I don't. My main issue is that I'm going there on the way to my Fiance's. So he is going to be there so he can go home.

I wonder if they'll accept that as a reason or if they'll tell me off? It's not like I asked anyone to come with me. He came round at the last minute. When I made the appointment I told mum she didn't have to come with me next week and stuff. I suppose for all the stuff they are making me do that is a fairly minor worry though. Maybe it just hasn't all sunk in yet. I suppose we'll see as soon as I find a health obsession to stress over.

Day 33 - Another day, another OCD trigger

My life seems to currently be a constant stream of appointments strung together with stress. Another Doctor's appointment today to get yet another note for the Benefit's Office.

To be honest I don't know why they don't just give me one that will last a few months. I've not even started my treatment yet so I'm unlikely to be well enough to go to work or college for a while yet. If anything I am getting worse and not better and this relentless list of appointments isn't helping at all.

And to top it off, every time I go to one of my many appointments they ask me what I'm planning on doing once I'm better and when I'm planning on doing it. Like my being mentally ill should have an expiration date. Or like I should pick a date to stop being a burden to society.

I feel constantly pushed even though most people probably aren't trying to push me at all. The stress is making me paranoid.

At least the doctor I saw this time was nice about it though. Last time she told me that I'd have to go back to work whether I was feeling worse or not. Basically "Go commit suicide in an office so long as your not cluttering up my books". But this time he was sympathetic and nice about it. Although he hasn't seen my notes from the psychologist yet so he thinks that my problem is like stress and anxiety over going out to get a job. Rather than OCD which stops me from holding down a job. But still, it was nice to have someone be kind of understanding about it all.

On the bright side a little I suppose though, The stress of having the appointment distracted my brain from my other obsessions for most of the day.