Mid Panic

I know I've made this sort of post on here before but I think sometimes it helps me get my panic off my chest when nobody is in to talk to.

So I'm having a complete meltdown. I freaking out over my hair again. It started yesterday when I got an itch on the back of my head and I slightly over scratched it. So it was sore yesterday but I didn't think too much of it.

Until about an hour ago. I had totally forgotten about it and I scratched it again, not hard mind, barely a tickle. And it hurt. Now whenever I tilt my head back I can feel it. This started my para. What if I've scratched it so hard all the hair falls out across that strip on the back of my head? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

Then, I made the mistake of going for a shower. I should have left it till the morning. Showering is a minefield for my OCD at the best of times. I already have a chill run down my spine when I wash my hair and a few strands come out. I already panic completely that a shower is just spreading the germs out over my body more. So why, why pray tell me please, did I decide this was the time to have a shower?

Every strand of hair I saw loose from my scalp had me shaking. Then after A got out I kept searching my hair for areas where there was more space between the strands. I have fine hair, pulled apart the space between strands always looks huge. Yet still I pry apart wet clumps of my hair looking for sparse patches. Then I checked whether my hairline was the same on both sides. Big mistake. I'm now convinced that my left temple is receding in some way. It looks thinner. It definately looks like my hair starts further back.

I've been pacing my room for about 20 minutes now. Trying to resist the temptation to wake my mum up and seek reassurance. I can't stop my mind going though. Even now I'm not in front of the mirror I'm having visions of what I saw in it. It's so clear in my mind. I don't even know how I'm going to ignore it and go to sleep. I want to go and ask and pester until it goes away for me.

And I know, I panic over this exact thing all the time. I have done for years. And as much as I tell myself that and that even if it were true there is no good that would come from waking someone up tonight that couldn't be done in the morning. If it's happening it's happening so surely a few hours would make no difference? I mean I can't rush off to Accident and Emergency for that. But I can't stop. I want that reassurance. I need it to relax and sleep. Because this time must be different. This is the one time that I actually AM going bald. All the other times I was overreacting and panicking. When I worried about hair coming out in the shower just a few days ago that was just me being silly. But THIS time it's different. I know it. I can feel it. This time it's real.

Wish me luck...