Lost and Confused

I'm not really sure what to do these days. Since my psychologist cancelled her last appointment I haven't heard anythign from anyone. So now I haven't had a session for nearly a month and I don't know whether I'm being forgotten about or she's ill or on holiday or something. I haven't heard back about my benefits either so I'm sort of in this limbo where I can't settle down or focus in on anything and my OCD is all over the place.

I still can't stop washing my hands. Everything makes me feel dirty. Everytime I go to the bathroom I wash my hands three times and wash my arms as well just to be safe. I have to flush the toilet with the seat lid down in case the water splashes and I have to roll up trouser legs so they don't touch the batroom floor in case there is dirty water and germs on the floor. Sometimes I have to wear slippers in to the bathroom so the soles of my feet don't touch it. I worry about how germy the towels are or that the toilet roll holder is too close to the toilet. I can't touch the side of the sink without washing my hands again or touch the wrong side of the tap.

So I've been washing my hands at least 30 times a day and comfort baking and all sorts. I've come up with some wonderful concoctions and delightfully decorated cakes but aside from that eating so much sets off my BDD and it's not the best coping strategy. I can't really sit down to do much else though. I can watch TV but I run out of things to watch after a while. I can't settle down to play games or anything long term.

It's not really helped by my mum who is trying to get me to take part time volunteering at her work as a serious job and go in at specific times every week. I can't do that and I agreed to help out a little with events at her work on the basis that if I was stressed I could go away and leave it to other people but they keep piling things to do on me and putting pressure on me. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. But I just get guilted into keeping doing it because her boss is doing it as a favour but none of them understand how stressful it is for me to have to turn up regularly when I spend so much time stressed out at home and stuff. If I could do things like that I wouldn't need incapacity benefits. I'd be going to work or college. I try my best but they expect a lot of me and then mum pretends to understand completely. I mean she has ocd so she understands but it's not as bad as mine and she's on pills and she finds work distracts from her ocd. I can't do anything that has pressure or time constraints or people relying on me without my OCD going mental. I keep putting things off and getting distracted with obsessions and compulsions and little tiny things that annoy me and niggle me and stop me doing what I'm meant to be doing. I don't really know what to do.