The Aftermath

If you've read my previous couple of posts you'll know that I was fighting for my right to benefits since I can't work and that I was being told by my psychologist that I couldn't keep getting treatment even though I'm not any better yet.

Ever since I recieved their letters I have been impossible. My OCD never has much focus but it's everywhere and there's nothing that stops me thinking about how epically ****** I am. I got the letter from my psychologist on Wednesday (two days ago) and that sorta tipped me over the edge.

I can't stop washing my hands for a start. Even as I said that I thought I should wash them again. I go to the bathroom and end up washing my hands twice, my arms, my hands twice again, my legs, my hands twice again. I basically have a shower every time. Then I'll get back downstairs and wash my hands again in the kitchen sink. My skin is a mess. Yesterday I even ended up totally showering twice because my mum had been putting bleach in the bath the day before and I panicked it would burn me. I get back home from going somewhere and I need to wash them. I touch clothes, surfaces, the dog, food... I need to wash them again. You wouldn't think that my psychologist had even started treatment with me. I mean my handwashing is the ONLY thing she's tried to sort and as soon as I'm stressed I do this. Yeah.... am I really as fixed as she's trying to tell me I am?

It's not even just my contamination OCD that's sparked either. Every ache, pain or slightly off feeling is apparently killing me. I have a sore shoulder and apparently that means I have a blot clot that is going to move to my heart and kill me. I have a spot coming up on my back but apparently it's cancer. I have an itchy nose... I don't even know what that is but it's gna kill me. Sore eyes are me going blind.

And to top it off my BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) is off the charts. I feel ugly and fat and like there is nothing good or attractive about me. Every time I look at myself I feel ill and dizzy. Also, every time I look at or touch my hair I think I'm going bald. I'm getting stress spots on my face so that makes me feel ugly and even my freckles, moles and scars are setting me off. The scar through my eyebrow suddenly feels like I look like Scar in The Lion King. I keep trying to cover up my freckles and the weird tanline I got on holiday cos that makes me ugly too. I can't wear my leggings or whatever now to goout cos I think I look massive in them and that everyone stares at me and laughs at me as I go by. so I'm stuck in trackies and t-shirts and trying to hide away. But I find it difficult to be indoors when I'm stressed so I can't win.

And nothing I do helps anything. I can't stop or shut off. I mean I'm typing this at 3am because I'm too wound up to feel tired. I almost posted on OCD forums and everything to get some kind of support and I hate forums normally. I even started an online argument with a person on a forum in the vain hope it would be distracting. And whit the petty isults she threw at me were funny for a while it didn't make me feel any better about my OCD. And my BDD isn't too happy she called me ugly but then she also called me a "massive c***" (she actually typed it obviously I'm just trying to keep it kinda clean) and that didn't bother me at all.

I just don't really know what to do anymore. It wasn't helped yesterday when my grandparents nagged and nagged me to clean, tidy and hoover my bedroom because they wanted to put up new curtains. I can tidy stuff fine but I can't hoover or CLEAN as such. It sets me off and I tried to tell them that and they just told me I wasn't really ill I was just lazy and they wouldn't stop. Over and over again I was told to stop being so lazy and lying to everyone that I had some kind of non-existent illness. I was even told off for not being able to help mum repaint the bathroom and I have an actual allergy to paint. But somehow everything was just me lying about being ill. But I still couldn't do more than tidy things up so I just had to put up with it till they went home and my mum hoovered and stuff instead. Mum understands my illness but she can't stand up to people so I just had to sit through it. The rest of my family are constantly at me to do things I can't do yet like work and clean and wash dishes and cook and stuff.