New Worries

Well, I recieved a very official looking letter yesterday morning that has had me tense ever since. It's set off all sorts of stressy symptoms.

Apparently, I don't just have to talk to the Department of Work and Pensions. Apparently I have a "home-visit" to "conduct a work focussed interview". Because that isn't at all terrifying. Now they aren't just scaring me in their offices, they're invading my home to do it. Also they have the cheek to say that it will be on the 19th March in the "morning/afternoon". Thanks DWP, that really narrowed it down for me. Ever so grateful for your accuracy. Because I have nothing better to do with my time than sit around in my house all day waiting around for someone to turn up, judge my house and interrogate me.

Why would they do this to someone with serious anxiety conditions? Anyone with any sense could see that this would freak me out. That even the thought of having to sit around and wait for them to turn up sends me into a panic attack. I hate waiting around for parcels, never mind people coming to judge me. I feel invaded already and I've still got 9 days to go. There's a part of me that sort of wishes it was this week just to get it over with. Because I'm terrified of what this whole thing is actually going to entail. It has never once been good news when they wan to see me in any situation. It usually ends in them trying to either take away my money or force me to do things.

The awful thing is they are completely entitled to do it. They are completely within their rights to tell me that I must do exactly what they say or I will get my money taken off me. They do not need to listen to my opinion or really take me or my circumstances into account. I am at their beck and call. And it suits them to pretend that they can't see anything wrong with me. It suits them not to see how shaky and edgy I get or that I clearly fidget and stammer and start to get hot and sweaty as soon as I'm in their presence.

And of course they will say that they are coming to my home to make me more comfortable. To be able to put me in a safe environment or some shit like that. But I feel cornered. Like they are coming here to judge me and how I live. That they want to see what my living conditions are like and try to use it against me somehow. That they'll look at the big TV in my living room (which was given to me and my mum when my grandparents upgraded theirs) and decide that I'm too well off and take my money away. Or worse that they'll try again to say that if I cope fine in my own home that I must be fit for work. I mean, one of the points that they decided meant there was nothing wrong with me before was that I appeared clean and hygienic. Showing a complete lack of understanding of my condition. If anything, my problem is that I'm TOO clean.

I can't help but worry that this is going to turn into a massive battle again. That I will again be treated like a criminal and a scrounger and a fraud. That I will again be told that I am fine by people who are completely incompetant, untrained and biased. Except this time I will be accused in my own home. My home will be forever tainted by these people.