Well my visit from the benefits office could have been worse. I did nervous talk though. I think that always makes me come across as confident because I talk a lot and smile. But it's not like shaky talking. Even as I'm saying it I think "How can you sound that confident right now, exactly when you're the most terrified?"
But really the appointment just seemed to be asking me if I was still volunteering, what I wanted to do when I was better, if I was still applying for jobs, if I could leave the house alone etc. Fairly invasive but nothing really accusatory. And she did at least try to bond with me over the dog, at least she was pleasant. Often the people in the actual office's are bitchy and cold. Maybe the people who go out to people's homes are trained differently. They are technically a different company, just contracted to the Benefit Office.
I'm still having trouble being calm though. Everything is freaking me out. Their could be a few contributing factor's to that though. I got a college place for after Summer (college in the UK sense of a place between school and university, not the US kind of college). That's scary even though it's like 5 months away. Last time I was at college I cracked up, had a total break from sense and got weighed down with a toxic boyfriend and my OCD. I dropped out. The organisation that funds education in Scotland said I could have that years funding again but I cannot afford to crack up again. It's a lot of pressure. Knowing that I HAVE to pass this. I HAVE to stay till the end and do well. I keep thinking about all the things that bothered me before. About being weird and people making fun of me. About feeling alone and out of place. About having to hide in corridors during lessons to stop my anxiety. About trying my best to not go in so I could avoid everything that bothered me there. I have a lot of trouble making friends. I always have had. I know that they talk to me but then about me as soon as I leave the room. And I know that sounds like paranoia but I know for a fact it has happened often involving completely different circles of friends. I want this time to be different but I can't not be weird. I also feel this sudden need to get really thin before college starts. Like if I go like this everyone will just laugh at me even more. Then I'll be the fat, ugly weird girl.
If my college problems weren't enough for now, my mum is ill. Not like fatally or anything. But she's got arthritis and she isn't even 50 yet. And I'm stuck in the same loop I always used to be with her. I can't worry with her, I have to look for the cheery, bright side to it. I have to seem like it doesn't bother me at all because it clearly bother's her. She says it doesn't but she keeps talking about when she'll be disabled or when she won't be able to move her hands anymore and stuff. The disease itself doesn't scare me, it's her attitude to it. I've barely even thought about the fact that it's genetic, which is often where my OCD would naturally go. I'm much more worried about her. She's going to be getting medication to try and help it and Scotland is one of the leading countries in researching it. And she's really early stage with it. But it clearly hurts and scares her so I can't settle. Even when I was a kid I had to bury my feelings to help her. I don't resent her for it I really don't. I just find it hard. Because nobody in my family realises it. They all accuse me of not caring about her. But if I showed her how much I did then she would worry. I don't want her worrying about me when she's the one that's got problems. Becausee I know she would. So I let my family badger and nag at me for not doing what they are.
Despite the fact that they are exactly the same. When my gran had breast cancer twice she spent all her time comforting other people and acting like she wasn't worried at all. And she WAS the one that was ill. But she couldn't let herself be worried or upset ever. And I just acted like normal with her. Because everyone else was treating her like porcelain, fussing over her. I'll point out now that it was caught very early and was just a minor operation and a few weeks of radiotherapy, nothing too heavy or debilitating. I wasn't still being myself while she was weak and in hospital.
I don't know if this all makes me sound like I don't care. But I've always felt worse after showing worry because I can see them worrying about me when they should be worrying about themselves. So I'll bake them nice things and lend them DVD's to watch when they're cooped up inside or whatever but I otherwise try and act like nothing is really wrong.
Either way I'm having a lot of trouble coping with these different things and where I would usually tell me mum it's a little difficult just now. I think if there was just one source of issues then I would be able to cope but theses things all play on totally different areas of my OCD and it's sending it a bit haywire. I can barely sleep and I keep thinking every twinge or pain or funny feeling is cancer or something else deadly. I've been having panic attacks every night really. I've even started waking up with bruises again where I've hit myself in my sleep. Not full hand prints yet like last time but I haven't had that in years.
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