Day 24 - Constant stress

It's been on and off all day.

I keep wondering if I'm getting everything from strokes to migraines. I've panicked that dust in my room is going to get in my lungs or eyes and damage me. I've panicked that germs off dog toys will make me ill or dirty.

It's the stress of waiting for the rest of my assessment next week I imagine. A constantly higher level of tension while I wait to be told my fate. It's awful just having to sit here. Like I'm being sentenced or something. I'm completely in limbo. I understand they want to finish the assessment first but it would have been nice if they'd told me what they were thinking at that moment in time. And what with me now having to wait for my decision from the benefits office there is just a constant bombarding of anxiety and stress just now.

I mean I am always obsessive but I just feel angry and on edge more intensely than usual. I'm snapping at everyone and every little thing is something that is going to kill me or hurt me or whatever. The cable guy came round yesterday and was putting a new box in my room. He had to move the bed and the desk and feed cable in through my wall. Even once he had moved everything back it felt wrong in there. Like someone had invaded my space and tainted it. It felt dirty and out of place. I know it wasn't but I felt it.

I found a bit of cut cable on the duvet so that set me off completely. But I feel worse than I was a couple of weeks ago. Like everything is a little hopeless and the world is stacked against me. Sometimes it's not even proper full blown obsessions just now. I'm full of intrusive thoughts and memories and little things that niggle at me and I blow well out of proportion. I feel like it's more than usual anyway.