The second half of my psychological assessment was today. I suppose it went OK.
They didn't give me an official diagnosis like they didn't want to give me a label which kind of upset my OCD. I get OCD about whether I have OCD or not which I know is silly but I would have liked to be told by a psychologist officially rather than just reading about it and knowing that I get all the symptoms.
I was at least told I would be getting CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I'm not sure what stuff they're going to target but they said I could tell them if I felt like they were targeting the wrong issues and stuff. My biggest issue is that I think they're going to try and fix the surface issues and send me off to college or work too soon. They mentioned they thought my issue with working was change. I don't think that's it at all.
The issue is that I don't deal with stressful or high pressure situations or environments well at all. As soon as I feel any kind of pressure my obsessions get really really bad and I find it hard to cope. Then I start looking for quick fixes like dropping out of college or blowing off work interviews and stuff.
Hopefully they will at least listen to me about it though. I think I need to be taught how to handle my obsessions and cope with my stress and anxiety in better ways before being shipped off to college or work again. I suppose I am over reacting a bit. Just all these worries are flooding into my head now despite being given good news about getting treatment. I should wait to see what they say at my first CBT appointment but it's like my brain can't settle down and allow myself to wait that long.
Showing posts with label Assessment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Assessment. Show all posts
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Day 24 - Constant stress
It's been on and off all day.
I keep wondering if I'm getting everything from strokes to migraines. I've panicked that dust in my room is going to get in my lungs or eyes and damage me. I've panicked that germs off dog toys will make me ill or dirty.
It's the stress of waiting for the rest of my assessment next week I imagine. A constantly higher level of tension while I wait to be told my fate. It's awful just having to sit here. Like I'm being sentenced or something. I'm completely in limbo. I understand they want to finish the assessment first but it would have been nice if they'd told me what they were thinking at that moment in time. And what with me now having to wait for my decision from the benefits office there is just a constant bombarding of anxiety and stress just now.
I mean I am always obsessive but I just feel angry and on edge more intensely than usual. I'm snapping at everyone and every little thing is something that is going to kill me or hurt me or whatever. The cable guy came round yesterday and was putting a new box in my room. He had to move the bed and the desk and feed cable in through my wall. Even once he had moved everything back it felt wrong in there. Like someone had invaded my space and tainted it. It felt dirty and out of place. I know it wasn't but I felt it.
I found a bit of cut cable on the duvet so that set me off completely. But I feel worse than I was a couple of weeks ago. Like everything is a little hopeless and the world is stacked against me. Sometimes it's not even proper full blown obsessions just now. I'm full of intrusive thoughts and memories and little things that niggle at me and I blow well out of proportion. I feel like it's more than usual anyway.
I keep wondering if I'm getting everything from strokes to migraines. I've panicked that dust in my room is going to get in my lungs or eyes and damage me. I've panicked that germs off dog toys will make me ill or dirty.
It's the stress of waiting for the rest of my assessment next week I imagine. A constantly higher level of tension while I wait to be told my fate. It's awful just having to sit here. Like I'm being sentenced or something. I'm completely in limbo. I understand they want to finish the assessment first but it would have been nice if they'd told me what they were thinking at that moment in time. And what with me now having to wait for my decision from the benefits office there is just a constant bombarding of anxiety and stress just now.
I mean I am always obsessive but I just feel angry and on edge more intensely than usual. I'm snapping at everyone and every little thing is something that is going to kill me or hurt me or whatever. The cable guy came round yesterday and was putting a new box in my room. He had to move the bed and the desk and feed cable in through my wall. Even once he had moved everything back it felt wrong in there. Like someone had invaded my space and tainted it. It felt dirty and out of place. I know it wasn't but I felt it.
I found a bit of cut cable on the duvet so that set me off completely. But I feel worse than I was a couple of weeks ago. Like everything is a little hopeless and the world is stacked against me. Sometimes it's not even proper full blown obsessions just now. I'm full of intrusive thoughts and memories and little things that niggle at me and I blow well out of proportion. I feel like it's more than usual anyway.
Friday, 1 February 2013
Day 23 - Benefits Office Medical Assessment
Today was the day of my medical assessment by the benefits office. They have to decide whether I am worth giving benefits to by putting me through a pointless interview.
I was not impressed by the process at all. The woman who conducted the assessment was fine. The benefits office contract it out to a healthcare company called Atos Healthcare. They sent a psychiatric nurse to assess me.
However, the benefits office set the questions she asks. So while she is a medical professional who knew all about mental health issues the form she is working from is not. They ask very targeted questions that I don't feel accurately represent people.
They are supposed to be judging how able to cope with work I am since I am claiming that I cannot cope with it at the present time. And I can't, I had a complete meltdown and couldn't leave the house last time I was supposed to go to work. It was my first day and I just couldn't make it out my room. I had to quit. Which is why I'm in this position. But despite that, the assessment questions never once asked about my feelings and reactions to a work environment. The only thing that they ask about is how I cope at home.
The problem with my OCD anyway is that I can cope to an extent at home. I don't have trouble taking care of myself in the house. I just go the long way about doing things and I get stopped by panics and intrusive thoughts. I find it difficult to be out the house without either drowning out thoughts with music or having a friend of family member there with me. But I can walk around the area I live by myself. I can cope to an extent but not enough to work.
I feel like the questions they ask are designed not to ask about work. So that anyone who doesn't need someone to dress them and stuff sounds like they are perfectly fit for a working environment. I feel let down by the system.
I was not impressed by the process at all. The woman who conducted the assessment was fine. The benefits office contract it out to a healthcare company called Atos Healthcare. They sent a psychiatric nurse to assess me.
However, the benefits office set the questions she asks. So while she is a medical professional who knew all about mental health issues the form she is working from is not. They ask very targeted questions that I don't feel accurately represent people.
They are supposed to be judging how able to cope with work I am since I am claiming that I cannot cope with it at the present time. And I can't, I had a complete meltdown and couldn't leave the house last time I was supposed to go to work. It was my first day and I just couldn't make it out my room. I had to quit. Which is why I'm in this position. But despite that, the assessment questions never once asked about my feelings and reactions to a work environment. The only thing that they ask about is how I cope at home.
The problem with my OCD anyway is that I can cope to an extent at home. I don't have trouble taking care of myself in the house. I just go the long way about doing things and I get stopped by panics and intrusive thoughts. I find it difficult to be out the house without either drowning out thoughts with music or having a friend of family member there with me. But I can walk around the area I live by myself. I can cope to an extent but not enough to work.
I feel like the questions they ask are designed not to ask about work. So that anyone who doesn't need someone to dress them and stuff sounds like they are perfectly fit for a working environment. I feel let down by the system.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Day 22 - Psychological Assessment
Well yesterday was my NHS Psychological Assessment.
I don't really know how I feel about it. They didn't even manage to get through everything so I have to go back for a second assessment with them next week.
They seemed pleasant enough but they are refusing to diagnose me or say what they're thinking till after they finish assessing me so I'm kinda stuck in this limbo just now where I don't know what is happening. They asked me all about my childhood and my dad leaving and my relationships with my family and friends and how I feel when I'm stressed and anxious.
I'm now completely paranoid that they will misdiagnose me though. It happens a lot with OCD sufferers and I don't want to be given the wrong treatment and not get any better just because they tell me I have something I don't. They seemed to focus a lot on my relationship with my dad and his family which is worrying for me. I don't want to end up being told it was childhood trauma that caused my anxiety or whatever because I was OCD long before he left. I was an anxious baby and a compulsive toddler before I became an obsessive child and teenager.
At most anything traumatic in my life was a trigger for a specific obsession. None of them were the CAUSE of my anxiety. It seems like a lot of psychologists don't quite understand that difference. That just cause I broke my arm when I was 9 and am obsessed with broken bones and pain meaning something awful does not mean it CAUSED the anxiety. It means that I created an obsession about it.
I just feel really confused about it all just now. I feel like I'm having to put my life on hold for a week till they can tell me whats wrong. It's actually made me more stressed. And everyone keeps telling me it's going to be fine and not to worry but I can't help it. I'm completely unsettled and stressed out and panicked by the whole thing. Hopefully it'll all get sorted next week and I'll get some good news.
I don't really know how I feel about it. They didn't even manage to get through everything so I have to go back for a second assessment with them next week.
They seemed pleasant enough but they are refusing to diagnose me or say what they're thinking till after they finish assessing me so I'm kinda stuck in this limbo just now where I don't know what is happening. They asked me all about my childhood and my dad leaving and my relationships with my family and friends and how I feel when I'm stressed and anxious.
I'm now completely paranoid that they will misdiagnose me though. It happens a lot with OCD sufferers and I don't want to be given the wrong treatment and not get any better just because they tell me I have something I don't. They seemed to focus a lot on my relationship with my dad and his family which is worrying for me. I don't want to end up being told it was childhood trauma that caused my anxiety or whatever because I was OCD long before he left. I was an anxious baby and a compulsive toddler before I became an obsessive child and teenager.
At most anything traumatic in my life was a trigger for a specific obsession. None of them were the CAUSE of my anxiety. It seems like a lot of psychologists don't quite understand that difference. That just cause I broke my arm when I was 9 and am obsessed with broken bones and pain meaning something awful does not mean it CAUSED the anxiety. It means that I created an obsession about it.
I just feel really confused about it all just now. I feel like I'm having to put my life on hold for a week till they can tell me whats wrong. It's actually made me more stressed. And everyone keeps telling me it's going to be fine and not to worry but I can't help it. I'm completely unsettled and stressed out and panicked by the whole thing. Hopefully it'll all get sorted next week and I'll get some good news.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Day 20 - OCD over your OCD
Tomorrow is the day I go for my psychological assessment. I am terrified to say the least. It has been stressing me out all week and putting my obsessions and compulsions into overdrive. But today as it draws ever nearer another obsession has over taken them all.
It is one I have only really had on one occasion before. I had it before I went to my GP about my OCD for the first time. It's an obsession about wether you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now I've read all the websites, I know people with it and I know myself that I definately have OCD. And though the GP cannot officially diagnose me even she agreed that I most likely had fairly severe OCD or at the very least a severe anxiety disorder.
But every time I am about to have to explain it to a medical professional I completely panic. In case they tell me this is normal. In case they laugh at me for being so stupid and wasting everyone's time. In case I'm told that I just have to deal with this every day for the rest of my life. Now, I know it won't happen but the fear that it might is immense.
What if there is no help out there for me?
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