Day 34 - ROCD dreams

My ROCD has actually been relatively quiet over the past couple of weeks. I've had too much other stress going on to really concentrate on it.

It came back last night though.And it hit me like a brick wall in my sleep. I woke up in a complete panic and everything.

My whole dream was about my fiance cheating on me. I didn't even see another girl or anything but he kept telling me all about her and really brazenly flaunting the fact he was seeing other girls. I stormed out of his house and kept his valentines day present then he phoned up to tell me I was being a bitch for making him be monogamous.

I woke up panicking for a few minutes because it all just felt so real. I know that he would never cheat on me ever but the tone of my dream has had me pretty shaken up all day. I had to distract myself by baking again.

That is one of my major compulsion pitfalls. I have weight issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder and one of the best distractions I have for my obsessions is to bake. I'm not too terrible at it either. I once ended up with about 4 batches of fairy cakes in one day. And it only took a week to get through them all with my mum. It's no wonder I put on so much weight when my main compulsions are baking and binge eating.

Day 25 - Body image obsessions

I've also been having real troubles with body image today.

I'm borrowing my Grandad's laptop till my new one arrives and I was looking through the photos on it. There are loads of me growing up scattered through it and the ones in my early teens I keep looking at and thinking "I wish I still looked like that" I look at the ones of me now and think how huge I look in them. That I've gotten uglier and uglier since I turned about 17. I can't stop all the thoughts that I'm just going to keep getting fatter and fatter and the more I think about it and wish I look like I did the more depressed I get and the more depressed I am the more I eat and the fatter I get.

It's a vicious cycle of wanting to look like I used to and comfort eating cos I don't. I wasn't happy with how I looked at the time the photos were taken either though. I thought I was massively fat when I was 15 as well but I'm fatter now and my attitude to my body has only gotten worse and worse. I don't like myself in any of my clothes and I certainly don't like myself out of them.

When I do manage to diet though I'm extreme. I take it too far. I start only eating one meal a day and going on wii fit and dance mat games and walking the dog and going to the gym all at once. I lose a lot of weight and I feel really happy that I do but it isn't healthy and then I put it all straight back on again really quickly.

It's like I walk a horrible line between possible anorexia and binge eating my life away. I don't know what to do and I find healthy living really soul destroying because I'm used to feeding the depression and anxiety that accompanies my OCD with eating unhealthy foods that make me feel better for a short period of time.

I know it's an unhealthy attitude and an unhealthy relationship with food but it's a vicious cycle I don't know how to cope with, manage or break.