Day 25 - Body image obsessions

I've also been having real troubles with body image today.

I'm borrowing my Grandad's laptop till my new one arrives and I was looking through the photos on it. There are loads of me growing up scattered through it and the ones in my early teens I keep looking at and thinking "I wish I still looked like that" I look at the ones of me now and think how huge I look in them. That I've gotten uglier and uglier since I turned about 17. I can't stop all the thoughts that I'm just going to keep getting fatter and fatter and the more I think about it and wish I look like I did the more depressed I get and the more depressed I am the more I eat and the fatter I get.

It's a vicious cycle of wanting to look like I used to and comfort eating cos I don't. I wasn't happy with how I looked at the time the photos were taken either though. I thought I was massively fat when I was 15 as well but I'm fatter now and my attitude to my body has only gotten worse and worse. I don't like myself in any of my clothes and I certainly don't like myself out of them.

When I do manage to diet though I'm extreme. I take it too far. I start only eating one meal a day and going on wii fit and dance mat games and walking the dog and going to the gym all at once. I lose a lot of weight and I feel really happy that I do but it isn't healthy and then I put it all straight back on again really quickly.

It's like I walk a horrible line between possible anorexia and binge eating my life away. I don't know what to do and I find healthy living really soul destroying because I'm used to feeding the depression and anxiety that accompanies my OCD with eating unhealthy foods that make me feel better for a short period of time.

I know it's an unhealthy attitude and an unhealthy relationship with food but it's a vicious cycle I don't know how to cope with, manage or break.