Two days till I go back for the second half of my Psychological Assessment and I'm still terrified. I can't shake the horrible feeling of not knowing and standing still while the world moves around me. Stuck waiting for the sentencing. I try and distract myself but it's getting harder and harder the nearer the day comes.
It's taking pleasure out of everything and making my obsessions so much worse. My health obsession got worse than I think I've ever felt last night. I was waking up every half hour or so in a complete panic that I was having a stroke. My brain kept shouting at me that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up again and even when I did it just kept saying "Well next time you fall asleep that will be the end". I couldn't shake it for the whole day either. It was still there. I'm going to die. I'm going to have a stroke.
Now it's invading my dreams again as well. I keep having dreams that they're going to try and have me sectioned and keep me in the hospital drugged up to the eyeballs and that I can't be fixed. I'm scared that I'll be like this forever and that they know something about all this I don't. And more than anything I'm scared they'll tell me I'm not OCD. That this is just me and I'm going to have to keep all this fear and anxiety forever.
This is all maddening. I can't wait for the appointment to just be over so that at least I'll know what's happening.
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