Now, when I say "high pressure" I don't mean in a weather system way; I mean in a stressful way.
I find high pressure situations to be a massive problem for me. They are one of the main things that trigger really bad obsessions in me. It is why I find work and college difficult to cope with at the minute. It is why going to the benefits office every week to sign on and get nagged to find a job made me so bad that I needed a doctor. It is why every time my family mention courses or jobs I could do that I want to run and hide. Even my psychologists set me off that way a little bit.
They were talking about how I might be ready to apply for college in April. It felt like they were giving me a deadline to be better. I'm sure they are not and they are just being positive or whatever but the sound of it made me feel pressured.
I don't know what it is. If I come up with plans about college or the future then I'm fine but as soon as I feel like someone else wants me to do it and I might let them down or whatever I get really stressed and OCD. It's like a rush of anxiety and all my obsessions seem to set off almost at once. Like I can't cope with anything at all. It''s part of the reason I left school so early. I felt like everyone had chosen a path for me already and nothing was up to me anymore.
Maybe it's just a hatred of being told what to do, maybe I don't like living to other people's deadlines or letting people down or whatever but whatever it is it has been setting off my OCD increasingly. More and more and more I find myself wanting to run away from every possible responsibility I have just to make the pressure, stress and my OCD leave me alone.
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