The Aftermath of the Storm

Well my visit from the benefits office could have been worse. I did nervous talk though. I think that always makes me come across as confident because I talk a lot and smile. But it's not like shaky talking. Even as I'm saying it I think "How can you sound that confident right now, exactly when you're the most terrified?"

But really the appointment just seemed to be asking me if I was still volunteering, what I wanted to do when I was better, if I was still applying for jobs, if I could leave the house alone etc. Fairly invasive but nothing really accusatory. And she did at least try to bond with me over the dog, at least she was pleasant. Often the people in the actual office's are bitchy and cold. Maybe the people who go out to people's homes are trained differently. They are technically a different company, just contracted to the Benefit Office.

I'm still having trouble being calm though. Everything is freaking me out. Their could be a few contributing factor's to that though. I got a college place for after Summer (college in the UK sense of a place between school and university, not the US kind of college). That's scary even though it's like 5 months away. Last time I was at college I cracked up, had a total break from sense and got weighed down with a toxic boyfriend and my OCD. I dropped out. The organisation that funds education in Scotland said I could have that years funding again but I cannot afford to crack up again. It's a lot of pressure. Knowing that I HAVE to pass this. I HAVE to stay till the end and do well. I keep thinking about all the things that bothered me before. About being weird and people making fun of me. About feeling alone and out of place. About having to hide in corridors during lessons to stop my anxiety. About trying my best to not go in so I could avoid everything that bothered me there. I have a lot of trouble making friends. I always have had. I know that they talk to me but then about me as soon as I leave the room. And I know that sounds like paranoia but I know for a fact it has happened often involving completely different circles of friends. I want this time to be different but I can't not be weird. I also feel this sudden need to get really thin before college starts. Like if I go like this everyone will just laugh at me even more. Then I'll be the fat, ugly weird girl.

If my college problems weren't enough for now, my mum is ill. Not like fatally or anything. But she's got arthritis and she isn't even 50 yet. And I'm stuck in the same loop I always used to be with her. I can't worry with her, I have to look for the cheery, bright side to it. I have to seem like it doesn't bother me at all because it clearly bother's her. She says it doesn't but she keeps talking about when she'll be disabled or when she won't be able to move her hands anymore and stuff. The disease itself doesn't scare me, it's her attitude to it. I've barely even thought about the fact that it's genetic, which is often where my OCD would naturally go. I'm much more worried about her. She's going to be getting medication to try and help it and Scotland is one of the leading countries in researching it. And she's really early stage with it. But it clearly hurts and scares her so I can't settle. Even when I was a kid I had to bury my feelings to help her. I don't resent her for it I really don't. I just find it hard. Because nobody in my family realises it. They all accuse me of not caring about her. But if I showed her how much I did then she would worry. I don't want her worrying about me when she's the one that's got problems. Becausee I know she would. So I let my family badger and nag at me for not doing what they are.

Despite the fact that they are exactly the same. When my gran had breast cancer twice she spent all her time comforting other people and acting like she wasn't worried at all. And she WAS the one that was ill. But she couldn't let herself be worried or upset ever. And I just acted like normal with her. Because everyone else was treating her like porcelain, fussing over her. I'll point out now that it was caught very early and was just a minor operation and a few weeks of radiotherapy, nothing too heavy or debilitating. I wasn't still being myself while she was weak and in hospital.

I don't know if this all makes me sound like I don't care. But I've always felt worse after showing worry because I can see them worrying about me when they should be worrying about themselves. So I'll bake them nice things and lend them DVD's to watch when they're cooped up inside or whatever but I otherwise try and act like nothing is really wrong.

Either way I'm having a lot of trouble coping with these different things and where I would usually tell me mum it's a little difficult just now. I think if there was just one source of issues then I would be able to cope but theses things all play on totally different areas of my OCD and it's sending it a bit haywire. I can barely sleep and I keep thinking every twinge or pain or funny feeling is cancer or something else deadly. I've been having panic attacks every night really. I've even started waking up with bruises again where I've hit myself in my sleep. Not full hand prints yet like last time but I haven't had that in years.

Start the Countdown

Well, it is now just one day till I get my house invaded. It's been getting increasingly hard to sleep or think about anything else. I'm stressing myself out to my limits.

It's probably going to be nothing. I'm not due for reassessment till July. But it scares me none the less. Because they can change their mind and move the goalposts at the drop of a hat. It makes it difficult to be calm about having anything to do with them at all. They come up with vague and elusive titles for their meetings so it's hard to know what they mean ever.

Also the idea of having to stay in and WAIT for them to turn up anytime between 9 and 5 is driving me mad. I hate waiting around for things. It drives my OCD mad. I hate the thought of sitting and not ever knowing when they'll turn up or even if they will turn up. The thought of having to sit and be completely stressed for that long... it's bad enough when I have an assigned appointment time. I hope they come at 9. I want it all to be over.

This all just goes to show how unfeeling and uncaring the benefits system is. They claim to be working to help people and to encourage people and to care for the people who need help. All of their websites and leaflets and staff are full of this stuff. The stuff they are supposed to say. But none of it is true. Their staff are some of the rudest and most uncaring people I've ever met. I was once even referred to as "it" by a member of their staff. It's all just money and politics to these people.

Pent up Anxiety

Now for any "all people on benefits are lying scum" believers who accidentally stumble across this post I am about to shock and amaze you. You ready for it?

I am ill and unable to work because of the stressful environment. This does not mean that I sit around on my arse all day soaking up money. In fact, If I am made to sit still and not do anything for more than a couple of days I start to go slowly mad.

This has never been better demonstrated to me than over the past 5 days. Yes, I have counted. That's how bad they've been. I have been forced to just sit around watching TV or browsing the internet. Even now I can barely type this without looking awkward. I've done something awful to my hand. I fell over on an uneven paving slab in my driveway, smacked both my knees off the concrete and my left hand off a metal drain cover. I am VERY left handed. My right hand hasn't been near as good since I broke it when I was 9, it just doesn't take the strain. I can sort of use my fingers on my left hand but nothing that would actually be useful.

So now I can't actually do a lot of the things that relieve my stress and anxiety. I can't write notes for events I'm planning as part of my volunteering, I can't tidy things or arrange things, I can't bake and I can't even draw. I just have to sit here and type by leaning on a very specific bit of my hand that doesn't hurt. I've even developed an odd obsession with Tom Hiddleston from watching films for so long. Sitting still has sent my OCD into overdrive and my only outlet is turning me into a 13 year old every time Tom Hiddleston speaks.

Funnily enough my hand isn't worrying me. I have almost constant health fears and they are being set off by my lack of outlets but the actual thing causing me pain isn't worrying me at all. It's all these different kind of cancer's I must have. And of course I've had to wash my hands even more than usual because just sitting here gives me time to think about the germs that are growing and colonising on my skin. Even my BDD is ramped up a knotch. I watch all these films and TV shows because there is nothing else I can really do and I keep looking at lithe pretty blondes and knowing I'll never ever be attractive.

Along with this damn home visit next week and wondering if I'll get onto a college course I applied for last week, this just isn't what I need right now. And at the minute the thought of a college course is sending me into a cold sweat but I desperately want to draw and let out some of my stress creatively. But holding a pencil makes my hand feel crampy and tired out. I need this to end soon, I think I'm starting to lose it. My brain can't relax at all. All I have is the constant whirring of anxiety ridden thought after anxiety ridden thought.

New Worries

Well, I recieved a very official looking letter yesterday morning that has had me tense ever since. It's set off all sorts of stressy symptoms.

Apparently, I don't just have to talk to the Department of Work and Pensions. Apparently I have a "home-visit" to "conduct a work focussed interview". Because that isn't at all terrifying. Now they aren't just scaring me in their offices, they're invading my home to do it. Also they have the cheek to say that it will be on the 19th March in the "morning/afternoon". Thanks DWP, that really narrowed it down for me. Ever so grateful for your accuracy. Because I have nothing better to do with my time than sit around in my house all day waiting around for someone to turn up, judge my house and interrogate me.

Why would they do this to someone with serious anxiety conditions? Anyone with any sense could see that this would freak me out. That even the thought of having to sit around and wait for them to turn up sends me into a panic attack. I hate waiting around for parcels, never mind people coming to judge me. I feel invaded already and I've still got 9 days to go. There's a part of me that sort of wishes it was this week just to get it over with. Because I'm terrified of what this whole thing is actually going to entail. It has never once been good news when they wan to see me in any situation. It usually ends in them trying to either take away my money or force me to do things.

The awful thing is they are completely entitled to do it. They are completely within their rights to tell me that I must do exactly what they say or I will get my money taken off me. They do not need to listen to my opinion or really take me or my circumstances into account. I am at their beck and call. And it suits them to pretend that they can't see anything wrong with me. It suits them not to see how shaky and edgy I get or that I clearly fidget and stammer and start to get hot and sweaty as soon as I'm in their presence.

And of course they will say that they are coming to my home to make me more comfortable. To be able to put me in a safe environment or some shit like that. But I feel cornered. Like they are coming here to judge me and how I live. That they want to see what my living conditions are like and try to use it against me somehow. That they'll look at the big TV in my living room (which was given to me and my mum when my grandparents upgraded theirs) and decide that I'm too well off and take my money away. Or worse that they'll try again to say that if I cope fine in my own home that I must be fit for work. I mean, one of the points that they decided meant there was nothing wrong with me before was that I appeared clean and hygienic. Showing a complete lack of understanding of my condition. If anything, my problem is that I'm TOO clean.

I can't help but worry that this is going to turn into a massive battle again. That I will again be treated like a criminal and a scrounger and a fraud. That I will again be told that I am fine by people who are completely incompetant, untrained and biased. Except this time I will be accused in my own home. My home will be forever tainted by these people.

Sleep Well Kids

The latest research into our minds and our development as human beings has apparently revealed that nightmares cause mental disorders.

Yup, that's right. Having bad dreams and night terrors may CAUSE mental disorders. So think back, anyone have nightmares as kids? Apparently your parents missed a vital warning sign and they could have saved you from "entrenched" mental health issues by waking you up. Of course they don't actually know whether nightmares cause mental health issues or whether they are indicators of the faulty wiring that may later lead to issues. But the article framed it a little more dramatically for BBC News readers. Hate to think what the Sun would have done with it.

I don't doubt the science though. My childhood was full of nightmares I wouldn't mind having explained to me. Things I remember even now after over a decade. I have a very vivid memory of a dream where I was locked in a dungeon with skeleton's chained to the wall (cartoon style, I know they wouldn't really stay all together hanging up). But I was 4 when I had the dream and it's still there. I also got recurring dreams that progressed nightly for a few weeks. These don't make sense to me even now. Every year, usually around September, up until I was about 14, I had this set of dreams. They played out like a real-time TV series. I would be kidnapped and held in a basement, being starved and beaten about. Nothing too dark, but still scary.

But, whilst the principle seems to make a certain amount of sense. I don't think I am psychotic or suffering any type of psychosis. The way the article frames is it is that children who are going to suffer from major psychotic breaks will suffer from this. But to me, surely it could be indicitive of many conditions. If it is prrof of faulty wiring in your brain, then surely it could be applied across the board. Just because I don't have nightmares about cleaning doesn't mean they aren't linked to the same faulty wiring that lead on to my OCD.

Also, whilst it is very interesting, does it really mean anything? If we now take note of when our children get us up at night because they've had a bad dream, will it help? Will it be anything more than us knowing that there is a problem? If my mum had taken me to a doctor over my nightmares he would have laughed her out of the surgery. I don't think we have moved on enough since then as a race to be able to do anything about it. Just because it is a proven fact doesn't mean that doctors or psychologists will do anything. Medicine these days still does not believe in preventative measures if it involves them doing any work. Maybe counselling and close monitoring would save children from tortuous mental health issues in later life but a doctor won't be interested until they have the condition.

If anything, this article shows that there is a lot more knowledge than there is practice. We know so much about all these conditions, even the general public can find out loads about them. But being able to find help available for it can be near impossible.

The Fear of Benefit Reform

I warn you, I am about to get political. I am aware that a lot of people who read this are not from the UK. This may all be a bit boring for you. But bear with me, if you will, and you'll see my point in the end.

As you may be aware, I and the people of Scotland are facing an independance referendum in September. I don't know what your opinions are on this, or if you have any opinions on it at all. To be honest it doesn't really matter. I, personally am for it. For many reasons. But a major reason has become increasingly pressing. It's not a major vote sway. In fact, to anyone "of a certain age" or even vaguely right wing it is a definate point against voting 'yes'. And the point is this. Benefit Reform.

Currently, as part of the UK, "benefit reform" is a terrifying phrase that indicates a move for the poor to move a step closer to poverty. I have talked about this at length. Benefit reform in the UK is a stressful enterprise that involves a rich, upper class, Conservative government (think of them as Republicans) taking money away from people who already have none and lining their pockets with it. My disability benefit is constantly hanging by a thread waiting for a "reassessment" where they will ignore what I say and decide I'm fit for work.

One of the points that the Scottish Independence Campaign has raised is exactly this problem. The fact that every time our gracious Prime Minister takes to our screens it is to announce some change to benefits, pensions or healthcare budgets that is essentially going to ruin the lives of people with little or no money. All to save them a buck. Yet the rich feel no penny pinching, no higher taxes, no change to their private healthcare.

According to the Independence Campaign, an Independant Scotland would see a rise in pensions and a complete removal of all the recent "benefit reforms" that the UK government have rolled out. I would actually be able to live in a country that supported me and helped me without badgering me to "get work or else". I would no longer face gruelling Work Capability Assessments from trained monkeys (not even medically trained) who lie about what I say to get the response they want. Why does this seem too difficult for the UK government to consider? That is the real question. If the Scottish Government want to implement it if they gain full independence, why can't the UK as a whole be that enlightened? Why do the UK Government think that sending poor people into poverty is the way forward?

Even if we take political parties views separately rather than government policies. Apart from the SNP (Scottish National Party, leading the Scottish Independence Campaign) no party wants to take back the recent reforms. Some throw a token gesture at it by offering to put more money into mental health care. And I am totally in favour of that. But half the reason I nearly went into a complete breakdown two years ago was because of how badly I was treated by the benefits office. I was bullied and shouted at for not being able to find work, never mind the attitude I recieved for being ill. Both areas need to be fixed. We can't just throw some pocket money at one area and hope the whole problem goes away. Both areas need to be helped. And that is what I am being offered if I vote 'yes' to independence. So Why can't the UK as a whole manage it? I don't think I'll ever understand it.

The odds are against me that Scotland will win independence. But I just have to hope. Because it appears to be the only way I will ever get both the healthcare and benefits I need. The way the UK is going I will get neither. I already don't get any healthcare. My doctor told me last month that even though he understood that they tackled my treatment wrong I would have to wait at least a year before I would be allowed back on the waiting list for CBT because I was deemed to have been helped already.

Too Scared to Sleep

Well I just had the freakiest OCD nightmare and now I can't sleep at all. I can't stop thinking about it. It's made me completely paranoid. I now have a desperate need to check every room in my house and make sure that my mum and my dog are still alive. I would be shouted at grumpily for this considering that it is 3am here. But still, I want to go and do it. I am so far resisting.

Right, well I'll put it into some level of perspective for you. Or, at least, I'll try. I don't know if this is overly graphic or not. It is for me but then I am the one suffering from all the fear. So just in case it is, I'm warning you. Don't say I didn't.

I am in a very realistic dream version of my house.Sitting in bed on the laptop, with the TV on, much like I am right at this moment. I hear my mum get up to let the dog out, all fairly normal so far. When she comes back there is a bang. I think very little of it and start listening to some music through headphones. Then I start to feel edgy. It's very quiet in the house apart from me. I keep checking the door. Hearing noises and seeing shadows that are all nothing. Then the door opens. A man comes in. He is holding a knife dripping with blood. My bedroom is on the first floor and he is standing between me and the door, neither of us is exactly small and nippy so he is completely blocking my exit. I'm trapped and I know he is going to attack me and rape me and cut me etc. Then, the really OCD bit, he starts shouting about how he's going to give me AIDS. I screamed then and woke up.

I know it's a dream but it freaked me right out. I woke up hyperventilating and hot. I'm completely panicking. It's made worse by the fact that I'm now doing exactly what I was at the start of my dream. I'm sitting in bed watching shadows and staring at the door with fear and paranoia, waiting for it to open. I'm sitting hear listening for any noise outside of my room. I have no idea what to really do. I'm so scared and paranoid but I'm trying not to give in and act on it. I know that it was just a dream but it was so realistic. It could easily have been real based on it's looks. I really want to go back to sleep and forget about it totally but I'm plagued by the thoughts and the feeling that it is all about to become real.