Donald Trump and Mental Health

Now, I was refusing to wade in on politics before people went to the polling stations, since I'm from the UK and I don't want to sound like I'm pushing a particular view. Although, I doubt my opinion would have counted for much.

Anyway, let's talk Trump. Now that America have him as a President what will it mean for mental health? For me, not a lot I'm a tourist if I'm there and all it means is more anxiety at Border Control (and that was stressful enough when I went in May this year). For Americans, it's a different story.

A report published by Market Watch, has certainly shown how much Trump/Pence have made people's mental health worse. Several Crisis and Suicide hotlines have seen significant increases in the number of calls they're recieving since as early as last Tuesday. This is being put down to people becoming increasingly concerned about how their rights will be affected under Trump's government.

This concern seems especially prevalant among the LGBT community, since Trump has been promising to overturn marriage equality laws in the states and Mike Pence has been called "one of the most anti-gay governors in the nation". Sexual Assault hotlines have also seen around a 33% rise in calls since a tape with Trump bragging about sexually assaulting a woman, surfaced in October.

These may be extreme examples but many people have also been speaking of their increased stress and anxiety since the election. People are worried about their futures under this new, and extreme, government. Post election depression always happens a little, the losing side is always dissapointed and a little deflated, it's understandable.

However, this level of anxiety isn't normal. This is genuine fear for what may become of the country. Calls by people in America hoping to make appointments with doctors and therapists has also risen exponentially since Wednesday.


But how will the Trump/Pence administration affect access to healthcare? Another reason for people rushing to their therapists now is because of one of Trump's key election proposals. To repeal the Affordable Care Act. Now, being from the UK, I don't understand why people would be against Obamacare. Why would people not want free healthcare for all? We have it here, it works fine, has been for around a century. I mean it would be better with more money obviously, but it gives everybody equal access to staying alive for longer. But apparently, Trump and the Republican voters hate the idea of funding healthcare. Trump's campaign threatened both Obamacare and Medicaid. These are both vital services to helping the disabled and supporting mental health in low-income citizens. Also, by repealing the Affordable Care Act, Trump is effectively rolling back civil rights for disabled people. We will go back to an America that is allowed to discriminate against people with pre-existing medical conditions.

I think the most shocking thing about all of this isn't that these plans exist, but that he actually believes that this is the right things to do, that anyone believes this is the right thing to do. Politicians say a lot of things to win votes, we all know that, we have to take everything they say with a bit of a pinch of salt but Trump and his supporters actually believe that autism is caused by vaccines and that people with mental health conditions all have the ability to start a mass shooting. Personally, I've never walked into my university and thought that I wanted to shoot everyone because I'm a "mentally ill sicko". I'm Obsessive Compulsive, I'd spend so long cleaning up that it wouldn't be worth it!

But in all seriousness, it's terrifying that he would rather lock up people with mental health conditions "just in case" than sanction gun control and reform that would insure safety from the occasional person who may be mentally ill that takes a gun to a school. Trump thinks that mental illness predicts violence and crime! Trump's views on mental health are outdated, uninformed and just plain ignorant. He said in an interview in October, that war veterans who suffer from mental health issues aren't "strong" and "just can't handle it". I mean really, who says things like that?

This is the only section of Trump's campaign website to mention mental healthcare:
 "Finally, we need to reform our mental health programs and institutions in this country. Families, without the ability to get the information needed to help those who are ailing, are too often not given the tools to help their loved ones. There are promising reforms being developed in Congress that should receive bi-partisan support"
To me that just sounds like wanting to shift mental healthcare from healthcare professionals and onto friends and family. I mean, sure you should have support from the people around you, but it shouldn't be at the expense of having professional help as well.

I don't know how all of this will end, but soon-to-be President Trump, seems to have some scary views. All I can say to any Americans reading is, if you are experiencing anxiety or issues since the election seek help from everywhere possible, including on here and on forums, we're all here for you!

Also, don't be afraid to start reversing the immigration issues by escaping into Mexico! Quick, before the wall goes up!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaack!

Ok, I know I've been gone for a bit. A long bit. A good long while... Anyway, I'm back now.

I'm still living my life with OCD, although my medication keeps it a little more in perspective than I used to be. I look back through a lot of my old posts and realise how much earlier I maybe should have started taking them. I was very resistant to 'giving in' to taking medication. I wanted to be self-reliant and be able to 'fix' myself naturally.

Maybe, with the right treatment, I still could but that treatment is not available in the UK, where I'm from. Our healthcare system is good for a lot of things. However, they have no focus or real interest in healthcare. The NHS is dedicated to patching people up physically and sending them on their way. I was given about 12 weeks of treatment and then told I wasn't trying hard enough and that's why I wasn't getting better. This was despite me repeatedly trying to tell them that the angle they were taking wasn't working, and requesting they change tack (like they had told me they would).

With this attitude to my mental health, and knowing that I am genetically prone to OCD, anxiety, depression and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), I made the difficult decision to start taking pills. And now, nearly three years later, I'm still on one pill of Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac) a day.

I wish I could tell people that I was cured, but what I can say is that I'm back on track. I'm at university now and trying to get a good start on my career. But I have to do that with medication as a crutch.

More to come soon...

Life on Prozac - Day 2

I was finally persuaded by my doctor to start prozac (fluoxetine). I've put it off for over a year but on the agreement that he would re refer me for CBT I agreed. And even then, I've only agreed to take them for the start of college since that will probably be very stressful.

I hate them already... to British people this will look like a very early morning post and to Americans a very late one, but I'll just clear it up for everyone. It's both... it is just going 6am here in Scotland and I haven't slept at all. I've been in bed since 2am (which is average for me) and I can't settle or relax at all. I just keep getting more and more sreessed that I can't sleep. It's genuinely daylight in my room now.

Side effects of prozac start from 1- 5 days. I took my first one on Wednesday, about lunch time and I felt fine then. Nothing at all. And I was so hopeful. Till night time... I was a little on edge and it took me maybe an hour to get to sleep when I'm usually one of those people that take 15mins tops to fall asleep... unless I'm stressed, but that's another story.

But at least I got to sleep on Wednesday. By Thursday afternoon, after taking my second pill, I was hyper active. I couldn't sit still or really concentrate on anything. And it didn't improve by the time I went to bed and now here I am. Frustrated, edgy, fidgety, tired and watching some rubbish on demand because it's too early for most of the channels to be showin anything other than infomercials.

Help me...

The World Today

I've been away from this blog for quite a while now. I lose track of time sometimes and I've been trying to distract myself with planning some events and getting ready for college next term. I'm trying to take this back up again though.

Lately, you may or may not be aware, Europe has been going through it's European Parliament elections. I've become a little obsessed with watching how it's progressing. With benefits and such always being in the queue for the chopping block I've become a little obsessed with a lot of politics.

But a lot about all of this makes me feel a bit sick. I've always been put off people with extremely prejudiced views (including members of my own family). I find it sets me right on edge and makes me want to scream in their faces then run and hide. And the incoming results for this election are making me feel increasingly sickened by Europe as a whole. All across the continent right wing, racist and prejudiced parties are gaining power. In France, a party who passed all sorts of laws to supress muslims in their country now hold most of their country's seats in European Parliament.And in England, UKIP, a party known for their racist, sexist, ex-conservative members who want to leave the EU and cap immigration to an all time low, are gaining more seats than ever. Even here in Scotland (where the UKIP leader must travel with a bodyguard to stop protestors) they may have gained a seat by the end of the night.

I can't stand to see it. Even on the news, when they interview the British public I can feel my blood boil. People full of hate and intolerance for anyone even slightly different. I can't help but feel like I live in a world that WANTS to hate. That is full of hypocrites who condemn other countries for intolerance and then partakes in it themselves. I don't know if it is part of my OCD or just part of me, maybe it is both, but I feel like I'm drowning in it. Like suddenly my opinions are being surpressed and I will be stuck in a world that wants to make life miserable for all but the rich, the straight, the white and the (apparently) sound of mind.

And as I said earlier, even my own family do it to me. I've spoken before about my grandparents thinking I'm faking my mental illness and stuff but a few weeks ago something totally different happened that shook the foundations of my belief that my family contains good people. And it was an argument started by the Eurovision Song Contest, after Conchita Wurst won. My Aunt is very Catholic and she raises her sons that way. That is fine. She imposes her views on the rest of us a little but we just go with it while they're their. but not on this. My little cousin started asking questions about how she could be a man and a woman. Now I tried my best to explain this to his little 10 year old head and I think I did OK. Until my Aunt, Uncle, Gran and Grandad all completely turned on me. All of them shouting either at me or at him that if a person is born a man then they are ALWAYS a man, no matter what. That I was talking nonsense. That I was lying. That God makes people a gender for a reason and they must respect THAT not anything else. I nearly screamed back. I didn't though, I managed to continue eating my dinner and didn't say anything for the rest of the afternoon. I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything without saying what I thought of them. I expected the sort of back dated views from my grandad but that much opposition to tolerant views was just sickening. Apparently my cousins are to be brought up to be completely intolerant of anything.

It's just all so wrong that the world seems to be stepping backwards in it's opinion so much.

Media Induced Ignorance

It could almost be classed as mental illness on it's own. Media Induced Ignorance Disorder. In fact let's refer to it as MIID from now on. It is classified as the impulse to blindly follow and believe everything the media tells you. Symptoms include speaking in long rants about injustice while creating it.

Now, I'll explain where that came from. I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook yesterday. It had taken me till today to calm down about it enough to write about it. Someone on my Facebook; a girl I used to share a class with, was ranting and raving about "benefits scum". A term coined by the media in the first place. This uninformed idiot was ranting on and on (and her friends were joining in too) about how she worked hard for her money but when she asked for Working Tax Credit she was only offered £11, while "benefits scum" where being handed more money for sitting on their arse's than she earned. Apparently this owes her the moral highground. Now I give her if what she said were true she would hold a highground for it. A high ground she would quickly lose for being a raging bitch about it.

However, everything she is saying is in no way true. She is adding to the prejudice spewed out by the media. That the occasional person who does carry out benefit fraud means that everyone else must be to. In her world I must be lying about being too ill to work. I am just sitting on my arse, at home, soaking up money that she would like to add to her own coffers in addition to the money she earns as a hairdresser. Surely, it is worse to earn money and go along to try and wheadle more out of your government than it is to ask for help when you are unable to work? But of course, everyone is able to work and we are deliberately ill. People on jobseekers just want to not work. She doesn't seem to realise how little the amount given to people on benefits is. My mother works but doesn't earn enough so she is given help with the rent from the government. But it still isn't enough. I give her what I can of my benefits and that still isn't enough. My grandparents have to subsidise everything from their pensions.

Are we unworthy of government help? Because what my mum and I recieve still isn't enough to live off. In thoery my £100 a week is supposed to cover all the household bills, food, clothes, transport to my medical care. Now I only contribute to the household bills but if I lived alone I would be thousands in debt. We are in debt enough as it is.

I had to restrain myself from saying this to her on Facebook. It never fails to amaze me how ignorant the world is. MIID! It's an epidemic. I still want to scream at her. That anything, whether it be illness or just a lack of jobs in the current economic climate, would automatically mean that you are "benefits scum" sickens me.

OCD No-go

Well I just made an error. A big massive mistake. I should know better. Everyone with OCD should know better. It's practically core to keeping OCD calm without proper treatment.

Avoid areas that may contain triggers. It's like rule 1. I wasn't even doing anything unusual. I read a lot of news and articles online. Since I can't go out very much, I should at least be informed about the world.  Mostly this is fine. Ocassionally you see a headline about cancer but mostly there's nothing scary. Ocassionally you get pulled in to the wrong story by it's intriguing and inoffensive title, only to find it's a trigger once you start to read what the story is actually about. These events are rare so I don't think about them or try to avoid them.

What I do actively avoid is the health page. VERY ocassionally I skin it for mental health articles. But tonight I ran out of things to read and skimmed other sections out of boredom. I told myself not to click on health. I knew it wouldn't end well. It rarely does. But I did it anyway. I read through the top articles and clicked on one about oral health. BIG mistake. Unforgivable really. It was all about how they have found new links to throat and mouth cancer. I should have stopped there. I could eaily have turned back with just a small spike in anxiety and been fine in no time. But no, I read on. I read about how apparently people who regularly use mouthwash were found to be more likely to develop cancer. I mean great. I started using mouthwash about a month ago because I freaked out that my teeth were going to fall out. Now I can't use it because I'm freaking out it'll give me cancer.

I mean it's just ridiculous. I could have been blissfully ignorant. I wouldn't be worrying about either cancer or my teeth falling out. Now I'm worrying about both. Haven't I got anough other worries without this? And really it's all my own fault. I know not to look. But still, I did, and now I'm stuck with this. Because Not only does the article not specify what about mouthwash causes the risk, it also doesn't say how much it raises the risk. If the increased risk is tiny, I might not be able to use more but I would be able to stop worrying that I've caused myself irreversible damage.

The Tragedy of Benefits

Today, the latest in a string of tragedies for mental health sufferer's has hit the news. he Mental Welfare Commission has led an investigation into the suicide of a woman in Scotland. It came to the conclusion that she committed suicide due to her treatment by the Benefit's Office and how ATOS treated her at her Work Capability Assessment.

This woman, in her early 50s, was engaged, volunteered regularly and had a good social network. But she suffered from severe stress-induced depression. ATOS, who conduct Work Capability Assessments on behalf of the Benefit's Office, conducted an hour long assessment and awarded her zero points in favour of her claim. You must achieve at least 15 points in order to qualify for your benefits.

I was given the exact same result when I went to my Work Capability Assessment. Instead of being given the £100 a week that I was entitled to I was pushed back onto Jobseekers Allowance which amounts to about half that. This poor woman went through exactly the same thing. She was forced to try and make £67 (in 2011, the rate of JSA has since been considerably lowered) pay all her bills and her mortgage, and she was forced to prove that she was looking for work that she knew she could not do.

This woman's doctor, like many other's across the UK, was adamant that she was not fit for work. He was willing to give evidence in her defence. He was never once asked to. Nor was her psychiatrist. The Benefit's Office never once ask for a medical opinion when assessing claimants. They are not interested in the truth, only in forcing people into poverty to save them a buck.

Now, you know I don't like to be turned into a statistic but these numbers seemed to well represent the point. A survey of psychiatrists was taken as part of the investigation. The survey found that while most patients ask them to provide evidence to support their case if asked, 75% of psychiatrists are NOT asked to provide it. It also showed that 85% of patients require more frequent appointments after having anything to do with ATOS or the Benefits Office. 13% of patients attempt suicide after attending a Work Capability Assessment.

In response to the investigation the Benefit's Office claim that all relevant safeguards and procedure were followed. They also claim that since this case in 2011 they have made significant improvements that this investigation fails to acknowledge. ATOS also responded to the investigation claiming that it understands how difficult and emotional the process is and tries to make it as comfortable as possible. It also said, and I quote "The Work Capability Assessment was designed by the government as a way of assessing how an individual's disability or illness impacts on their day-to-day life. It is not designed to diagnose or treat a medical condition."

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but that last statement in particular makes no sense. Why is the WORK Capability Assessment assessing how people cope with DAY-TO-DAY life. They are in no way similar. What does my ability to use a microwave (a question I was indeed asked at my own assessment) have to do with my ability to go out to a stressful office every day? Now I understand that they are not their to treat my condition, I, and I don't think anyone else, expected them to do that. But I do expect questions relevant to what I'm being assessed for. I also expect for the truth to be written onto the forms. When I recieved a copy of the forms the ATOS worker filled out as part of my appeal she had clearly lied on the forms. There were things I know she asked and I told her the answer to that she pretended I hadn't. She asked me what obsessions or compulsions I experienced and wrote the list down onto the form, however, on the next page she had ticked the box that said I experienced none of these things. That isn't even lying well!

I can tell you that my experience with them sounds identical to hers and mine was carried out just last year. So where are these signicant improvements since 2011? I can't see a single one. If anything they might be worse now. When I entered my appeal I didn't just recieve the disturbingly low rate of Jobseekers Allowance, I recieved nothing. For months I had absolutely no money coming in while the Benefits Office took their sweet time to decide if I was entitled to anything at all. They also, never asked for my doctor's opinion.

The Department of Work and Pensions (Benefit's Office) need to stop lying to cover up the massive discrimination experienced by their system.

The Aftermath of the Storm

Well my visit from the benefits office could have been worse. I did nervous talk though. I think that always makes me come across as confident because I talk a lot and smile. But it's not like shaky talking. Even as I'm saying it I think "How can you sound that confident right now, exactly when you're the most terrified?"

But really the appointment just seemed to be asking me if I was still volunteering, what I wanted to do when I was better, if I was still applying for jobs, if I could leave the house alone etc. Fairly invasive but nothing really accusatory. And she did at least try to bond with me over the dog, at least she was pleasant. Often the people in the actual office's are bitchy and cold. Maybe the people who go out to people's homes are trained differently. They are technically a different company, just contracted to the Benefit Office.

I'm still having trouble being calm though. Everything is freaking me out. Their could be a few contributing factor's to that though. I got a college place for after Summer (college in the UK sense of a place between school and university, not the US kind of college). That's scary even though it's like 5 months away. Last time I was at college I cracked up, had a total break from sense and got weighed down with a toxic boyfriend and my OCD. I dropped out. The organisation that funds education in Scotland said I could have that years funding again but I cannot afford to crack up again. It's a lot of pressure. Knowing that I HAVE to pass this. I HAVE to stay till the end and do well. I keep thinking about all the things that bothered me before. About being weird and people making fun of me. About feeling alone and out of place. About having to hide in corridors during lessons to stop my anxiety. About trying my best to not go in so I could avoid everything that bothered me there. I have a lot of trouble making friends. I always have had. I know that they talk to me but then about me as soon as I leave the room. And I know that sounds like paranoia but I know for a fact it has happened often involving completely different circles of friends. I want this time to be different but I can't not be weird. I also feel this sudden need to get really thin before college starts. Like if I go like this everyone will just laugh at me even more. Then I'll be the fat, ugly weird girl.

If my college problems weren't enough for now, my mum is ill. Not like fatally or anything. But she's got arthritis and she isn't even 50 yet. And I'm stuck in the same loop I always used to be with her. I can't worry with her, I have to look for the cheery, bright side to it. I have to seem like it doesn't bother me at all because it clearly bother's her. She says it doesn't but she keeps talking about when she'll be disabled or when she won't be able to move her hands anymore and stuff. The disease itself doesn't scare me, it's her attitude to it. I've barely even thought about the fact that it's genetic, which is often where my OCD would naturally go. I'm much more worried about her. She's going to be getting medication to try and help it and Scotland is one of the leading countries in researching it. And she's really early stage with it. But it clearly hurts and scares her so I can't settle. Even when I was a kid I had to bury my feelings to help her. I don't resent her for it I really don't. I just find it hard. Because nobody in my family realises it. They all accuse me of not caring about her. But if I showed her how much I did then she would worry. I don't want her worrying about me when she's the one that's got problems. Becausee I know she would. So I let my family badger and nag at me for not doing what they are.

Despite the fact that they are exactly the same. When my gran had breast cancer twice she spent all her time comforting other people and acting like she wasn't worried at all. And she WAS the one that was ill. But she couldn't let herself be worried or upset ever. And I just acted like normal with her. Because everyone else was treating her like porcelain, fussing over her. I'll point out now that it was caught very early and was just a minor operation and a few weeks of radiotherapy, nothing too heavy or debilitating. I wasn't still being myself while she was weak and in hospital.

I don't know if this all makes me sound like I don't care. But I've always felt worse after showing worry because I can see them worrying about me when they should be worrying about themselves. So I'll bake them nice things and lend them DVD's to watch when they're cooped up inside or whatever but I otherwise try and act like nothing is really wrong.

Either way I'm having a lot of trouble coping with these different things and where I would usually tell me mum it's a little difficult just now. I think if there was just one source of issues then I would be able to cope but theses things all play on totally different areas of my OCD and it's sending it a bit haywire. I can barely sleep and I keep thinking every twinge or pain or funny feeling is cancer or something else deadly. I've been having panic attacks every night really. I've even started waking up with bruises again where I've hit myself in my sleep. Not full hand prints yet like last time but I haven't had that in years.

Start the Countdown

Well, it is now just one day till I get my house invaded. It's been getting increasingly hard to sleep or think about anything else. I'm stressing myself out to my limits.

It's probably going to be nothing. I'm not due for reassessment till July. But it scares me none the less. Because they can change their mind and move the goalposts at the drop of a hat. It makes it difficult to be calm about having anything to do with them at all. They come up with vague and elusive titles for their meetings so it's hard to know what they mean ever.

Also the idea of having to stay in and WAIT for them to turn up anytime between 9 and 5 is driving me mad. I hate waiting around for things. It drives my OCD mad. I hate the thought of sitting and not ever knowing when they'll turn up or even if they will turn up. The thought of having to sit and be completely stressed for that long... it's bad enough when I have an assigned appointment time. I hope they come at 9. I want it all to be over.

This all just goes to show how unfeeling and uncaring the benefits system is. They claim to be working to help people and to encourage people and to care for the people who need help. All of their websites and leaflets and staff are full of this stuff. The stuff they are supposed to say. But none of it is true. Their staff are some of the rudest and most uncaring people I've ever met. I was once even referred to as "it" by a member of their staff. It's all just money and politics to these people.

Pent up Anxiety

Now for any "all people on benefits are lying scum" believers who accidentally stumble across this post I am about to shock and amaze you. You ready for it?

I am ill and unable to work because of the stressful environment. This does not mean that I sit around on my arse all day soaking up money. In fact, If I am made to sit still and not do anything for more than a couple of days I start to go slowly mad.

This has never been better demonstrated to me than over the past 5 days. Yes, I have counted. That's how bad they've been. I have been forced to just sit around watching TV or browsing the internet. Even now I can barely type this without looking awkward. I've done something awful to my hand. I fell over on an uneven paving slab in my driveway, smacked both my knees off the concrete and my left hand off a metal drain cover. I am VERY left handed. My right hand hasn't been near as good since I broke it when I was 9, it just doesn't take the strain. I can sort of use my fingers on my left hand but nothing that would actually be useful.

So now I can't actually do a lot of the things that relieve my stress and anxiety. I can't write notes for events I'm planning as part of my volunteering, I can't tidy things or arrange things, I can't bake and I can't even draw. I just have to sit here and type by leaning on a very specific bit of my hand that doesn't hurt. I've even developed an odd obsession with Tom Hiddleston from watching films for so long. Sitting still has sent my OCD into overdrive and my only outlet is turning me into a 13 year old every time Tom Hiddleston speaks.

Funnily enough my hand isn't worrying me. I have almost constant health fears and they are being set off by my lack of outlets but the actual thing causing me pain isn't worrying me at all. It's all these different kind of cancer's I must have. And of course I've had to wash my hands even more than usual because just sitting here gives me time to think about the germs that are growing and colonising on my skin. Even my BDD is ramped up a knotch. I watch all these films and TV shows because there is nothing else I can really do and I keep looking at lithe pretty blondes and knowing I'll never ever be attractive.

Along with this damn home visit next week and wondering if I'll get onto a college course I applied for last week, this just isn't what I need right now. And at the minute the thought of a college course is sending me into a cold sweat but I desperately want to draw and let out some of my stress creatively. But holding a pencil makes my hand feel crampy and tired out. I need this to end soon, I think I'm starting to lose it. My brain can't relax at all. All I have is the constant whirring of anxiety ridden thought after anxiety ridden thought.

New Worries

Well, I recieved a very official looking letter yesterday morning that has had me tense ever since. It's set off all sorts of stressy symptoms.

Apparently, I don't just have to talk to the Department of Work and Pensions. Apparently I have a "home-visit" to "conduct a work focussed interview". Because that isn't at all terrifying. Now they aren't just scaring me in their offices, they're invading my home to do it. Also they have the cheek to say that it will be on the 19th March in the "morning/afternoon". Thanks DWP, that really narrowed it down for me. Ever so grateful for your accuracy. Because I have nothing better to do with my time than sit around in my house all day waiting around for someone to turn up, judge my house and interrogate me.

Why would they do this to someone with serious anxiety conditions? Anyone with any sense could see that this would freak me out. That even the thought of having to sit around and wait for them to turn up sends me into a panic attack. I hate waiting around for parcels, never mind people coming to judge me. I feel invaded already and I've still got 9 days to go. There's a part of me that sort of wishes it was this week just to get it over with. Because I'm terrified of what this whole thing is actually going to entail. It has never once been good news when they wan to see me in any situation. It usually ends in them trying to either take away my money or force me to do things.

The awful thing is they are completely entitled to do it. They are completely within their rights to tell me that I must do exactly what they say or I will get my money taken off me. They do not need to listen to my opinion or really take me or my circumstances into account. I am at their beck and call. And it suits them to pretend that they can't see anything wrong with me. It suits them not to see how shaky and edgy I get or that I clearly fidget and stammer and start to get hot and sweaty as soon as I'm in their presence.

And of course they will say that they are coming to my home to make me more comfortable. To be able to put me in a safe environment or some shit like that. But I feel cornered. Like they are coming here to judge me and how I live. That they want to see what my living conditions are like and try to use it against me somehow. That they'll look at the big TV in my living room (which was given to me and my mum when my grandparents upgraded theirs) and decide that I'm too well off and take my money away. Or worse that they'll try again to say that if I cope fine in my own home that I must be fit for work. I mean, one of the points that they decided meant there was nothing wrong with me before was that I appeared clean and hygienic. Showing a complete lack of understanding of my condition. If anything, my problem is that I'm TOO clean.

I can't help but worry that this is going to turn into a massive battle again. That I will again be treated like a criminal and a scrounger and a fraud. That I will again be told that I am fine by people who are completely incompetant, untrained and biased. Except this time I will be accused in my own home. My home will be forever tainted by these people.

Sleep Well Kids

The latest research into our minds and our development as human beings has apparently revealed that nightmares cause mental disorders.

Yup, that's right. Having bad dreams and night terrors may CAUSE mental disorders. So think back, anyone have nightmares as kids? Apparently your parents missed a vital warning sign and they could have saved you from "entrenched" mental health issues by waking you up. Of course they don't actually know whether nightmares cause mental health issues or whether they are indicators of the faulty wiring that may later lead to issues. But the article framed it a little more dramatically for BBC News readers. Hate to think what the Sun would have done with it.

I don't doubt the science though. My childhood was full of nightmares I wouldn't mind having explained to me. Things I remember even now after over a decade. I have a very vivid memory of a dream where I was locked in a dungeon with skeleton's chained to the wall (cartoon style, I know they wouldn't really stay all together hanging up). But I was 4 when I had the dream and it's still there. I also got recurring dreams that progressed nightly for a few weeks. These don't make sense to me even now. Every year, usually around September, up until I was about 14, I had this set of dreams. They played out like a real-time TV series. I would be kidnapped and held in a basement, being starved and beaten about. Nothing too dark, but still scary.

But, whilst the principle seems to make a certain amount of sense. I don't think I am psychotic or suffering any type of psychosis. The way the article frames is it is that children who are going to suffer from major psychotic breaks will suffer from this. But to me, surely it could be indicitive of many conditions. If it is prrof of faulty wiring in your brain, then surely it could be applied across the board. Just because I don't have nightmares about cleaning doesn't mean they aren't linked to the same faulty wiring that lead on to my OCD.

Also, whilst it is very interesting, does it really mean anything? If we now take note of when our children get us up at night because they've had a bad dream, will it help? Will it be anything more than us knowing that there is a problem? If my mum had taken me to a doctor over my nightmares he would have laughed her out of the surgery. I don't think we have moved on enough since then as a race to be able to do anything about it. Just because it is a proven fact doesn't mean that doctors or psychologists will do anything. Medicine these days still does not believe in preventative measures if it involves them doing any work. Maybe counselling and close monitoring would save children from tortuous mental health issues in later life but a doctor won't be interested until they have the condition.

If anything, this article shows that there is a lot more knowledge than there is practice. We know so much about all these conditions, even the general public can find out loads about them. But being able to find help available for it can be near impossible.

The Fear of Benefit Reform

I warn you, I am about to get political. I am aware that a lot of people who read this are not from the UK. This may all be a bit boring for you. But bear with me, if you will, and you'll see my point in the end.

As you may be aware, I and the people of Scotland are facing an independance referendum in September. I don't know what your opinions are on this, or if you have any opinions on it at all. To be honest it doesn't really matter. I, personally am for it. For many reasons. But a major reason has become increasingly pressing. It's not a major vote sway. In fact, to anyone "of a certain age" or even vaguely right wing it is a definate point against voting 'yes'. And the point is this. Benefit Reform.

Currently, as part of the UK, "benefit reform" is a terrifying phrase that indicates a move for the poor to move a step closer to poverty. I have talked about this at length. Benefit reform in the UK is a stressful enterprise that involves a rich, upper class, Conservative government (think of them as Republicans) taking money away from people who already have none and lining their pockets with it. My disability benefit is constantly hanging by a thread waiting for a "reassessment" where they will ignore what I say and decide I'm fit for work.

One of the points that the Scottish Independence Campaign has raised is exactly this problem. The fact that every time our gracious Prime Minister takes to our screens it is to announce some change to benefits, pensions or healthcare budgets that is essentially going to ruin the lives of people with little or no money. All to save them a buck. Yet the rich feel no penny pinching, no higher taxes, no change to their private healthcare.

According to the Independence Campaign, an Independant Scotland would see a rise in pensions and a complete removal of all the recent "benefit reforms" that the UK government have rolled out. I would actually be able to live in a country that supported me and helped me without badgering me to "get work or else". I would no longer face gruelling Work Capability Assessments from trained monkeys (not even medically trained) who lie about what I say to get the response they want. Why does this seem too difficult for the UK government to consider? That is the real question. If the Scottish Government want to implement it if they gain full independence, why can't the UK as a whole be that enlightened? Why do the UK Government think that sending poor people into poverty is the way forward?

Even if we take political parties views separately rather than government policies. Apart from the SNP (Scottish National Party, leading the Scottish Independence Campaign) no party wants to take back the recent reforms. Some throw a token gesture at it by offering to put more money into mental health care. And I am totally in favour of that. But half the reason I nearly went into a complete breakdown two years ago was because of how badly I was treated by the benefits office. I was bullied and shouted at for not being able to find work, never mind the attitude I recieved for being ill. Both areas need to be fixed. We can't just throw some pocket money at one area and hope the whole problem goes away. Both areas need to be helped. And that is what I am being offered if I vote 'yes' to independence. So Why can't the UK as a whole manage it? I don't think I'll ever understand it.

The odds are against me that Scotland will win independence. But I just have to hope. Because it appears to be the only way I will ever get both the healthcare and benefits I need. The way the UK is going I will get neither. I already don't get any healthcare. My doctor told me last month that even though he understood that they tackled my treatment wrong I would have to wait at least a year before I would be allowed back on the waiting list for CBT because I was deemed to have been helped already.

Too Scared to Sleep

Well I just had the freakiest OCD nightmare and now I can't sleep at all. I can't stop thinking about it. It's made me completely paranoid. I now have a desperate need to check every room in my house and make sure that my mum and my dog are still alive. I would be shouted at grumpily for this considering that it is 3am here. But still, I want to go and do it. I am so far resisting.

Right, well I'll put it into some level of perspective for you. Or, at least, I'll try. I don't know if this is overly graphic or not. It is for me but then I am the one suffering from all the fear. So just in case it is, I'm warning you. Don't say I didn't.

I am in a very realistic dream version of my house.Sitting in bed on the laptop, with the TV on, much like I am right at this moment. I hear my mum get up to let the dog out, all fairly normal so far. When she comes back there is a bang. I think very little of it and start listening to some music through headphones. Then I start to feel edgy. It's very quiet in the house apart from me. I keep checking the door. Hearing noises and seeing shadows that are all nothing. Then the door opens. A man comes in. He is holding a knife dripping with blood. My bedroom is on the first floor and he is standing between me and the door, neither of us is exactly small and nippy so he is completely blocking my exit. I'm trapped and I know he is going to attack me and rape me and cut me etc. Then, the really OCD bit, he starts shouting about how he's going to give me AIDS. I screamed then and woke up.

I know it's a dream but it freaked me right out. I woke up hyperventilating and hot. I'm completely panicking. It's made worse by the fact that I'm now doing exactly what I was at the start of my dream. I'm sitting in bed watching shadows and staring at the door with fear and paranoia, waiting for it to open. I'm sitting hear listening for any noise outside of my room. I have no idea what to really do. I'm so scared and paranoid but I'm trying not to give in and act on it. I know that it was just a dream but it was so realistic. It could easily have been real based on it's looks. I really want to go back to sleep and forget about it totally but I'm plagued by the thoughts and the feeling that it is all about to become real.

Extreme Discrimination against Mental Health

Yet again I'm continuing from yesterday but this story came up fresh on the news today and I find it really quite disturbing.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-26377119

There is the link to it if you want to read the full story but I'll try and explain it a little here and why it's so horrific. Now, a woman in Rochdale, England has severe bipolar disorder. She has done since she was a child. She hasn't been able to hold down a job since she was 16. She has been on disability benefit for 27 years for this. This means that in the UK she categorizes as "long term unemployed". That basically sticks a massive target on her head. She was suddenly pushed onto the "Work Programme" in December last year. That means that she, after 27 years, is meant to apply for 15 jobs a week to force her out to work. Because of her reassignment she was sent on an intensive job-seeking course for 8 days. This sent the woman into a manic episode which meant she had to be hospitalised. In hospital she then suffered a heart attack so severe she had suffered brain damage and fell into a coma.

Now, if all that wasn't bad enough. She has now been sent a letter telling her she must find work or have her benefits cut completely. She is STILL in the coma. Now, the department in question and the government have apologised to her family for this but I, and several MP's agree with me in the article, think that this just shows how much people with disabilities are hounded by the benefits office. They push and threaten everyone because they think they have the power to get away with it. And the sad fact is that they do. I, and everyone else collecting benefits, are at the beck and call of their every whim. Before they agreed I was entitled to my disability benefit I had to apply for 15 jobs a week, show them proof I had done so, go and sign on every week and whilst their explain to them why I had yet to find a job. It is ritual humiliation.

Being on disability benefits isn't much better. You spend 6 months at least arguing with them why you are entitled to it at all. Then you go to endless interviews where they ask you irrelevant questions to try and tell you that you are perfectly fit to work. They will even falsify answers to get the result they want, I saw that on my own assessment forms. But even after you have proven you are entitled then you could have your benefit cut partially or altogether at a moments notice. You fear every brown envelope that comes through the door in case they are telling you about cuts or that you are no longer entitled or that you suddenly have to attend intensive training or find work "or else!".

I am aware I have now made this argument at least 4 or 5 times on here. But every time I read things like this I feel physically sick. What sort of world do we live in where this happens. And it's not like it's in a distant land that doesn't understand these things or whatever excuse we would like to think. This is happening in the country I live in. A country that claims to be enlightened about mental health but STILL refuses to help or even address it properly. If I try and talk about this with my grandparents they would just shout at me how right the government are to treat me and others like this. That I just have to accept it. That I should be thankful for what I get whether it comes with abuse and discrimination or not. It can't just be me that finds this both sickening and heartbreaking? I wish their was something real I could do about it. That I could tell the people doing this how wrong they are. That I could tell this backward thinking government how much they are ruining people's lives. This blog is the best I've got.

Backward Attitudes

Now, I have talked about this a lot lately but it just winds me right up. I was reading an article online all about how terrible the UK's "work capability assessments" are. The comments are so ignorant that I just had to say something.

This is a quote direct from the Guardian's comments section on the article:

"

"Benefit cuts explicitly linked to mental health problems"

So there must be a link which says living on benefits improves someone mental health.

"

How ignorant is that? To think that living on the benefits system improves your mental health. It's like they haven't read the article at all. They've just used it as a stepping stone to push their ridiculously backward views. Others have described the benefits system as being a safety net and a crutch for the mentally ill. Let me tell you right now that I have never felt less safe in my life. I spend every morning worrying that there will be a letter from the benefits office telling me that I am no longer entitled because they said so. I don't feel endlessly supported and helped. Nor do I feel well off or financially comfortable. I and my family have been left hideously in debt by recent benefit cuts and by offices suddenly deciding that we are no longer entitled to things on a whim. People with these views clearly do not have any sort of mental health issue. 

The whole system needs reformed to cause less stress and anxiety to the claimants not more. It needs to give out enough money to ACTUALLY support people. It needs to stop treating everyone like they are criminals and automatically turning down claims until appeal. There seems to be no understanding of how this affects people. Or, even worse, no caring about how it does.

There is also this attitude to treatment that we must be fixed within 10 weeks or we're deliberately staying ill. This is yet another statistic stopping us being individuals. Apparently 50% of people treated with CBT get better within 10 weeks so that is all anyone is entitled to. If you aren't in that 50% then you are just given up for dead. 

The government spend all there time talking about reform but they don't actually reform anything in a way that is helpful. All their reforms are just getting them bigger bonuses at the end of the year. There is no thought to actually helping people. And they are poisoning the minds of others to think that this is right. So that the only people complaining about this injustice are the people suffering first hand who they can fob off to just wanting more than they are entitled to. 

This madness has to stop...

The After Effects

I have stressed myself to new heights during this week for one reason or another. This has resulted in a migraine of epic proportions. It's been awful. I get a huge array of symptoms with them. I lose half my vision, my hand and face go numb and tingly, I get sick, I get a really bad stomach, I can't think, sometimes I can't even speak and of course a thumping headache. I woke up at 8am with it and had flashy lights in my vision, tingly, numbness and couldn't speak on and off till lunchtime. Then I was fine all afternoon. Then it happened all over again but on the other side of my head tonight. I feel utterly appalling. Not to mention the fact that they set off my OCD. I have a complete panic attack that I'm have a stroke, going blind or have a brain tumour. Despite the fact that I've had migraine's since I was 12.

Periods of heavy stress always take a physical toll on a person. Headaches, nausea, and insomnia are the most common. Migraines are a sort of extreme version of that. I also, along with a lot of people, suffer from stress induced IBS. Stress is a very difficult process that people that don't suffer from it often don't understand. People think that our inability sometimes to function normally is all in our heads. That we are just over-exagerating how we feel and moping about. But that really isn't the case. Even if the mental state we are in isn't debilitating enough then it is often followed immediately by terrible phsical side-effects and pain. I am sometimes doubled over with stomach cramps that are induced by stress and anxiety.

I think it is hard for any person to understand how interconnected our body parts are. How something that effects our emotions can take it's toll on our physical being. How something as deep routed and untangible as thought can then menifest itself in a physical form. Even dry skin and other skin conditions can be connected to stress and anxiety related illness. It's difficult to comprehend for me even though I know it's true.

There is a school of thought that says people with mental health conditions often do not live as long as others. Or even that just people who aren't as happy live shorter lives than people who are. It's not untrue. Whilst I am not into all of the slightly hippie side of medicine I do believe that this particular angle is true. That I, with all my stress, anxiety, OCD, BDD, trust issues, depression.... That I will put such a strain on my body that I will die before someone who does not suffer from any of these things. Nothing to do with how much I exercise or how much I weigh. It is purely to do with how this all affects a person. My blood pressure is often high and so is my heart rate, not because I am unhealthy always, but because I panic myself into it. That cannot be good for my heart.

We all need to take a new attitude to mental health and what it does physically as well as what it does mentally.

The Safe Place

This term is thrown around a lot in my family. The Kerr dictionary definition for it is "the place we put things to get lost". For example:

MUM: I've lost my keys!
ME: Did you put them in the safe place?

It's also the space I go to to clear my head. It's the place in my head where I do all the things that distract me from what a terrible time I'm having. Everyone has one no matter what they call it. Sometimes it's a healthier place than other's. But don't get me wrong, it isn't healthy really. I shouldn't have to turn music up so loud my hearing is funny for hours after and I shouldn't have to make a millionaire shortbread and two batches of cupcakes to feel calm. I'd like to point out that I did all that today but all the baked goods are still in the kitchen... I did not comfort eat myself all of that today. I'll spread that out over a few days and I am planning to share.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that we shouldn't lean on the safe place for support. All it does is shove our problems in a box until later. We aren't any more ready to deal with it later so we put it back in the safe place. I should face up to the fact that I still can't stop my ex chasing me down to "apologize" by telling me about his new relationship and reiterate how he never loved me. I should face up to the fact that everything he said hurts. I should not run away from it and bake. For a start, eating it isn't going to help my unattractiveness (he said that too not just my opinion, although of course with BDD I am of that opinion).

But, I am still playing loud music now, because thinking about it still makes me feel awful. It still sets off several different areas of my OCD and BDD. I suppose I'm still in the safe place because I don't know where to go from there. It's snuggly and warm in here with my music so loud I can't really think. But at the end of the day I will still have to face it.

I think I sort of lost the point of this post in another rant about my ex. I think what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't get lost up in the cosy fantasy of it. Pushing it aside doesn't make it stop. Whether you go for a walk, a run, find a punching bag (a literal one not a person you are angry at), bake or listen to loud music. I'm very good at getting lost in the safe place and thinking I'm invincible. The longer I stay in it the worse I get, I start making stupid more insane decisions because the crazier they are the more distracting they are. I even did this last night over my hair panic. Every time I freak out over anything I go to this safe place.

This should also be a note to others to watch for. If you know someone is going through something, whether with their condition or just life in general, their stupid decisions should not just be a talking point with others. Too much safe place can lead to self saboutage. So once they've moved past loud music and a late night run step in and have words. Even if they shout at you, get angry or cry. It's best to get it out there and confront it. Because God knows where it might end otherwise.

Sorry for another disjointed rant but I think there's a rambling point in it somewhere.

Mid Panic

I know I've made this sort of post on here before but I think sometimes it helps me get my panic off my chest when nobody is in to talk to.

So I'm having a complete meltdown. I freaking out over my hair again. It started yesterday when I got an itch on the back of my head and I slightly over scratched it. So it was sore yesterday but I didn't think too much of it.

Until about an hour ago. I had totally forgotten about it and I scratched it again, not hard mind, barely a tickle. And it hurt. Now whenever I tilt my head back I can feel it. This started my para. What if I've scratched it so hard all the hair falls out across that strip on the back of my head? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

Then, I made the mistake of going for a shower. I should have left it till the morning. Showering is a minefield for my OCD at the best of times. I already have a chill run down my spine when I wash my hair and a few strands come out. I already panic completely that a shower is just spreading the germs out over my body more. So why, why pray tell me please, did I decide this was the time to have a shower?

Every strand of hair I saw loose from my scalp had me shaking. Then after A got out I kept searching my hair for areas where there was more space between the strands. I have fine hair, pulled apart the space between strands always looks huge. Yet still I pry apart wet clumps of my hair looking for sparse patches. Then I checked whether my hairline was the same on both sides. Big mistake. I'm now convinced that my left temple is receding in some way. It looks thinner. It definately looks like my hair starts further back.

I've been pacing my room for about 20 minutes now. Trying to resist the temptation to wake my mum up and seek reassurance. I can't stop my mind going though. Even now I'm not in front of the mirror I'm having visions of what I saw in it. It's so clear in my mind. I don't even know how I'm going to ignore it and go to sleep. I want to go and ask and pester until it goes away for me.

And I know, I panic over this exact thing all the time. I have done for years. And as much as I tell myself that and that even if it were true there is no good that would come from waking someone up tonight that couldn't be done in the morning. If it's happening it's happening so surely a few hours would make no difference? I mean I can't rush off to Accident and Emergency for that. But I can't stop. I want that reassurance. I need it to relax and sleep. Because this time must be different. This is the one time that I actually AM going bald. All the other times I was overreacting and panicking. When I worried about hair coming out in the shower just a few days ago that was just me being silly. But THIS time it's different. I know it. I can feel it. This time it's real.

Wish me luck...

Reduced to a Statistic

40% of disability claims in the UK.
2 times higher unemployment rate than the general population.
1 in 4 people experience mental health issues a year.
10% of children experience mental health issues at time.
1 in 5 older people suffer from depression
British men are 3 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
400 in 100,000 people in the UK self-harm.
1 in 10 prisoners DOESN'T have a mental health condition.
26 in 1000 suffer from depression.
47 in 1000 suffer from anxiety.
97 in 1000 suffer from anxiety AND depression.
13 in 1000 suffer from OCD.
30 in 1000 suffer from PTSD.
9 in 10 people suffer discrimination for their mental health condition.

Is it just me who finds all that both disturbing and insulting in equal measure? These are all quoted facts from newspapers, charities and health organisations. I have no doubt that these are all true. I will trust that, at least of them. But I do not see why I have to be completely reduced to a number. Everywhere I go for help either medically or financially and I am just a number and a tick box. Politically I am a figure of money tax payers are throwing away to take care of me. When did we stop being people?

Every time I see an article online or on TV I finish up just angry. The way the media talks about people with mental health conditions is exactly why 9 in 10 are discriminated against. I genuinely read an article today that said that being mentally ill was ruining my employability prospects. Because when I'm curled in a ball crying over whatever is killing me today my first thought is whether that is going to stop me getting a job later. Again, I don't doubt it is probably true. But we are people with emotions and thoughts and opinions. We aren't just a drain on resources. It shouldn't be about whether I can work in a call centre, it should be about aiding my recovery. Nowhere in any of the articles giving me these facts did it talk about us as people or about how these facts reflected a lack of effective treatment and care. It was all about how I was draining tax money and not giving back and how I was perfectly able to work really if I try hard. Nothing about why all these numbers are ever increasing. Nothing at all about WHY.

The media are damning the mentally ill because they are an easy target. They are turning other people against the plight of the mentally ill. Even within my own family they have had their minds turned by the media. I get dogs abuse sometimes because I am not out working and that I'm not really ill because the Guardian told them so and the DailyMail agreed. What will it take to make people actually see what the real problem is?